good mourning/goodbye

According to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, when we're dying or have suffered a catastrophic loss, we all move through 5 distinct stages of grief. We go into denial because the loss is so unthinkable we can't imagine it's true. We become angry with everyone, angry with survivors, angry with ourselves. Then we bargain. We beg. We plead. We offer everything we have, we offer our souls in exchange for just one more day. When the bargaining has failed and the anger is too hard to maintain, we fall into depression, despair, until finally we have to accept that we've done everything we can. We let go. We let go and move into acceptance.

I have exprienced loss. Twice. Both my grandfathers. However, strangely, I didn't go through those 5 stages of grief. I pretty much skipped everything and went straight to 'Acceptance'. Perhaps because I wasn't close to them. I mean they stayed at one end of Singapore and I stayed at the other. My paternal granddad passed away when I was pretty young so I hardly knew what was going on. My maternal granddad passed away last year and I was pretty shocked. However, I really didn't feel as sad as I should be. And I knew he was sick for a while but I always put off seeing him and in the end, I missed my chance.

Probably it was because the truth hasn't sunk in yet. Because it was too sudden. But like a couple of days after his death, I broke down. I was in school at that time and it was during my PE lesson. I had no idea why. Maybe it was because I finally came to the startling realisation that he was dead. That my granddad died. That I would never see him again. That my granddad... is... dead. It was like a river had burst its banks. I couldn't stop the tears for a while. I sobbed and all my repressed sadness in some deep, dark, hidden corner just flowed out. And I couldn't stop. I couldn't control it.

Maybe to some extent, we all go through the 5 stages of grief. It's human nature. We want to cheat death. Prolong it. We always ask why is God so freaking unfair. We ask why Death didn't take us instead. We ask if Death can take us instead and set our loved ones free.

Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn't just death we have to grieve. It's life. It's loss. It's change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime. That's how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you survive. By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won't feel this way. It won't hurt this much.

Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can't control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes. And let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away.

There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five: Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.