sweet little lies

As people, we’re trained to be skeptical… because others lie to us all the time. The rule is: everybody is a liar until proven honest. Lying is bad. Or so we’re told. Constantly, from birth. “Honesty is the best policy.” “The truth shall set you free.” “I chopped down the cherry tree.” Whatever. The fact is, lying is a necessity. We lie to ourselves because the truth… the truth freakin' hurts.

We lie all the time. Usually we start with something small. Lying to your mum about where you are because chances are you're somewhere doing something naughty. White lies, we call it. Ever wonder why it's called 'white'? I have no idea as well. Then we move on to something bigger. The ones that gets us into loads of crap. Skipping school, stealing, doing drugs, smoking. Basically anything you know that gets you big time falls under this category. The more serious the issue, the more we try to lie to hide it. Then we lie more to cover up our previous lies and finally, we find ourselves in a grave we single handedly dug because we can't stop lying. We get crushed beneath the growing burden of our lies.

I wonder all the time about why we lie. So why do we lie? The way I see it, there's usually 3 main reasons. The first is the basic reason, it's why we lie most of the time. We want to hide something. Out of fear, our of insecurity or just wanting to keep it personal. The second reason is because we want to protect someone. We don't want to hurt them or allow them to be hurt in any way. Our parents lie to us about the existence of Santa Claus and other imaginary characters. Why? To protect the innoncence of our childhood. It sucks for a 6 year old to realise Santa Claus doesn't exist. Or... we lie to our loved ones because we know the truth is too freakin' painful. The last reason why we lie is because it's a natural mechanism. I like to believe it's the way things work, to keep the cosmic balance in check. Someone once said, "People should just tell the truth to the people in their lives." To which the response was, "They can't. If they could, we'll all be healthy." Since it's physically impossible for everyone to be healthy, likewise, it's impossible for people to be totally honest.

We lie to others... but we also lie to ourselves. The truth is too painful for us to bear. We lie to run away and escape from it. It's hard for us to accept the harsh reality of the world: That life is not a bed of roses or fluffy clouds. But sometimes, the truth is the only thing we can offer.. .either to ourselves or others.

No matter how hard we try to ignore it or deny it, eventually the lies fall away… whether we like it, or not. But, here’s the truth about the truth: It hurts. So… we lie.

forgiveness

In life, only one thing is certain, apart from death and taxes. No matter how hard you try, no matter how good your intentions, you are going to make mistakes. You’re going to hurt people. You’re going to get hurt. And if you ever want to recover, there’s really only one thing you can say… "I forgive you."

Of course, it sounds fancier when you say it. But when you really get to it, will you practice what you preach? I've been hurt loads of times. By people I don't really know, by people I love. Whatever. And then afterwards, they come up to say "I'm sorry." Seriously. As though it can somehow erase the hurt they've inflicted. They screw around with your relationship with them and all they can say is 'sorry'? They just want to ease their guilt, make themselves feel better. They don't have the right, not after what they did. Well, that's the best case scenario. Most of the people I know don't bother to apologise. It's human nature, I know. That's why I don't even bother to expect one.

Well, a more optimistic way of looking at it is this. You care for the person, that's why you still feel hurt by what they did. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. But I've been pretty much glass half empty these days, so I just screw that explanation. There's an interesting story that's probably been told a few times and i find it rather relevant as to why the only way to recover is to forgive.

Once upon a time, there was this little boy. He liked to throw his temper, frequently. So his dad told him to hammer a nail into the fence everytime he lost his temper. It worked and as time passes, he learned to keep his temper in check. After that, his dad brought him to the fence and asked him to pull out all the nails. The boy looked at the fence that was filled with holes and realised what his dad wanted to teach him. When you flare up at someone, you hurt them. After things settle down, you can apologise and make amends, but the hurt doesn't really go away.

What a fanciful story. Load of crap. As though anyone really learns their lesson. Well, you get the point. When someone hurts you, no matter how hard you pretend, the wound doesn't really heal. It leaves a mark. Even if whoever hurt you tries to make amends, it doesn't go away. Whoever said time heals all wounds, was a complete and total moron. It doesn't, at least not for most of the people I know. The only way for the the pain to go away completely is for you to rip off the Band-Aid, let the wound breathe and slowly, forgive the very person who hurt you. I've been there, done that. I just did it recently, it's hard, no one said it was a walk in the park. But what's the point of holding in all that pent up rage? Just let it go and you will feel better. Maybe if you look at it as what Jesus would freakin' do, it might help. Well, those who believe in him anyway.

Forgive and forget. That’s what they say. It’s good advice, but it’s not very practical. When someone hurts us, we want to hurt them back. When someone wrongs us, we want to be right. Without forgiveness, old scores are never settled. Old wounds never heal. And the most we can hope for, is that one day we’ll be lucky enough to forget.

dreams

The dream is this: That we’ll finally be happy when we reach our goals. Find the guy, get our desired careers… that’s the dream. Then we get there… and if we’re human, we immediately start dreaming of something else. Because if the dream sucks… then we’d like to wake up. Now, please.

My dream since young was simple. Get my education done, finish up NS, be a teacher, settle down if I ever find the right half and live my life happily ever after. Seems easy right? Ha! I wish. Not even halfway through my life, I find myself making adjustments because I'm not living my freakin' dream. Life sucks. I have a theory. That because Life sucks, and everyone hates Life, he/she/it decides to have fun by throwing us a curve ball when we least expect it. Constantly. Why not? People already hate me, why not make them hate me more?

We never take into account the unexpected. That's why we call it the unexpected. When it does happen, we have to improvise. We have to think on our feet, adapt to the situation. Some of us do it better than others, some crack under the pressure and the rest move on to Plan B and make the best of it.

I'm not saying that my dream is completely crushed and it's impossible to achieve. Things just got harder. I just got a curve ball. In my face. Not the first time, and I'm still reeling from it. After tons of experience, you expect to be better at handling it. But that feeling? Yeah, it doesn't really change. And maybe, life may not be so bad after all. Because in spite of everything people say about life not being a freakin' bed of roses, sometimes... it really feels like it.

At some point, maybe we accept that the dream has become a nightmare. We tell ourselves the reality is better. We convince ourselves it’s better that we never dream at all. But the strongest of us, the most determined of us, we hold on to the dream.

Or, we find ourselves faced with a fresh dream we never considered. We awake to find ourselves… against all odds… feeling hopeful. And if we’re lucky… we realise, in the face of everything, in the face of life… the true dream… is being able to dream, at all.

just want to be close to someone

My family isn't the most perfect family out there. All those shows you see of loving families? Where at the end of the day everyone just kiss and make up and they all hug each other in bliss? Totally overrated. Maybe, it's just mine. Maybe, there really are families out there who hug each other in eternal bliss. I wouldn't know though, I've never seen one. My family has its own deep, dark secrets. More family drama than anyone else's I suppose. Seriously. And you thought Brothers & Sisters was bad enough. Welcome to mine. But I'm not here to talk about how crappy my family life has been. I'm here to talk about weighing family against friends.

Why do we turn to friends? Why do we even have friends? People say it's because it makes them seem pathetic and as though they don't have a life. Can you imagine how stupid you sound if you tell people you don't have friends? Yeah, scary. And frightening. Then there's the belief in the saying 'No man is an island.' But seriously, sometimes friends are there to share the burden you know you can't let your family know. It's simple, really. Why are there things we rather let our close friends know than our parents? The ones who actually raise us up, and feed us, and clothe us. They tend to use that argument against us, parents I mean. And we throw in back in their faces because there's some stuff that you really just don't want to talk to your parents about. I mean, come on. Imagine talking to your parents about your relationship problems. I bet some parents object to BGR in the first place. Some do talk to their parents, and they are the lucky few who have such families. But ultimately, friends are supposed to help us when our families can't.

Now we move on to our parents and siblings. Girls tend to have problems with the mother, and boys tend to have problems with the father. What with the whole expectations thing they keep shoving into your face. 'Girls should do this. Learn that.' 'Boys should not behave like this. Talk like that.' And the list just goes on and on and on. We say 'Screw it, ok? That is so yesterday.', and we hate it when they restrict us to certain actions because they think it's inappropriate for someone for our gender. But, don't forget. Your family is the group of people who will always be there to help you.... at the end of the day. No matter what trouble you cause, they will try to clear up the mess. Yes, your parents will probably yell for making them clean up after you. But that's what they do. And you need to appreciate them for it. Life is too short for you to be angry with everyone.

As mothers go, I know overbearing and overprotective. Probably one of the worst traits to have when we grow to the age where we desperately fight for our freedom. As fathers go, I know overprotective and sometimes, indecisive. People probably hate me now because they lost either one or both and here I am, with both and still complaining. We argue, we fight. We quarrel, we scream. At the end of the day, your parents will be the one there. For you. Still helping you in every way they can... until they take their last breath.

Well, I don't see the need to talk about siblings. I mean, no one should have problems communicating with them. If you do, it's ok to take a time-out. We all need one from time to time. Don't care if your parents keep preaching about the bonds of sisterhood or brotherhood. Take a step back, relax and clear your mind. Then only talk when you are ready. I know it's hard to make the first step because it means you lose. It means the other party has power. But you know, think about it as rising above it all. Being a better person. Might not be such a fancy idea at first but it works. And to all guys out there who have a sister, learn to appreciate them. Shove your chauvinistic attitude aside, chuck it down the drain. Whatever. Because when you get in touch with your feminine side and you definitely will, they can really help. A lot.

At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want, is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other? It’s usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to.

And once we’ve chosen those people, we tend to stick close by, no matter how much we hurt them. The people that are still with you at the end of the day... those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But, sometimes that invasion of personal space… it can be exactly what you need.

crossing lines

In surgery, there’s a red line on the floor that marks the point where the hospital goes from being accessible to being off-limits to all but a special few. Crossing the line, unauthorized, is not tolerated.

In general, lines are there for a reason. For safety. For security. For clarity. If you choose to cross the line, you pretty much do so at your own risk. So why is it… that the bigger the line, the greater the temptation to cross it?

Anyone who knows me during my one and only year in JC will be surprised that I'm dishing out advice on crossing lines. Seeing as how I've always been one for crossing lines and never looking back. Well, sometimes. But there are some people out there who have never crossed the line and they want to know what it feels like. And those who have crossed, but unfortunately, lose their way.

There's a saying, 'Forbidden fruits taste nicer.' Ok, I'm pretty sure I didn't get the whole thing right, but I don't care. You get the gist, that's it. You walk up to the imaginary, sometimes real, line and you are faced with a simple decision. To cross or not to cross? Maybe it's not simple, maybe it's harsh and cruel and just freaking tormenting. But we inflict upon ourselves these painful choices everyday anyway. From something as simple as what to eat for lunch to whether you should pull the plug on someone. Once you've made that decision, you should go forward bravely. No regrets.

Fine, let's say you cross the line. You start out feeling heroic because you like cheap thrills and probably broke a hundred rules crossing that line. You tell yourself, in an attempt to justify it, that rules are meant to be broken anyway. Screw it. But then after the adrenaline rush wears out, the guilt rears its ugly head. What you do with that guilt, is up to you. Guilt never goes anywhere on its own. It brings its friends: Doubt and Insecurity. It's probably more insecurity you feel, especially if you are bogged down by rules and screwing the rules will not go unpunished if you are found out. However, if one crosses the line and knows how to turn back to rein themselves in, to try to patch things up, that's better than not crossing. It shows you have the courage to admit your mistake.

I have crossed the line loads of times without even pondering. And after everything I said up there? Seriously? But sometimes I never turn back, in fact, most of the time I don't. Even when I get caught. Or when I'm wrecked with guilt. Sometimes, all you need is someone to push or guide you gently to the right direction and naturally, you will find the path you need to travel down. Whether you want to do it alone or with your friends or family, is up to you. People say it's better to be with your loved ones but hey, at least you are on the right path.

We can’t help ourselves. We see a line, we want to cross it. Maybe it’s the thrill of trading the familiar, for the unfamiliar. A sort of personal dare. Only problem is…once you’ve crossed, it’s almost impossible to go back.

But, if you do manage to make it back across that line, you find safety in numbers.

growing up

After careful consideration and many sleepless nights, here’s what I’ve decided: There’s no such thing as a grown-up.

We move on, we move out, we move away from our families and form our own. But the basic insecurities, the basic fears, and all those old wounds just grow up with us. And just when we think that life and circumstance have forced us to truly, once and for all, become an adult… you get a nasty shock.

We get bigger, we get taller, we get older. But, for the most part, we’re still a bunch of kids, running around the playground, trying desperately to fit in.

Someone wise once explained why there was a spike in the number of road rage cases. She attributes it to people not satisfying their "inner child". As we grow up, we take on more responsibilities. Being an adult? Totally overrated. Responsibility, it really does suck. Really, really sucks. Anyway, at day, we go about our daily lives, fulfilling our daily quota of responsibilities. At night, we sleep to forget the day's worries through 8 hours of dreaming. There's a saying that goes 'We are all kids at heart.' People don't take that seriously, do they?

We totally forget to fulfill our childish wants. Hence, at night, our "inner child" keeps us up. We shove it into our inner depths in the morning, but at night, it rears it's "ugly head". Putting random thoughts into your head while you sleep - "I love grapes." "I left money in the pocket." " M in the P. M in the P. M in the P" "If it's a 1, i don't care, if it's a 20 then i need to get it." - and you stay awake all night to shut it off. Not to mention the freakin' song that just repeats and repeats and repeats. Then you realise it's your "inner child" playing with you, talking back and forth with you. You don't play with your "inner child" anymore, so it's wide awake at night and just wants to play. So that's why people are so angry and grumpy and rageful all day long because their "inner child" has kept them up all night long and their "inner child" is sound asleep now. Hence, the spike in the number of road rage cases. And people thought it's just an urban myth.

We are kids at heart. You have responsiblities, I know you do because I have them as well. But you've got to juggle them both, it's just the way the cookie crumbles. Sometimes, we resemble little children more than we want to admit because we are afraid to be called immature and childish. Embrace it, don't fight it.

I’ve heard that it’s possible to grow up. I’ve just never met anyone who’s actually done it. Without parents to defy, we break the rules we make for ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don’t go our way.

We whisper secrets with our best friends in the dark. We look for comfort where we can find it. And we hope…against all logic, against all experience. Like children, we never give up hope.

a sum up of the past 8 months (part 4)

Fine, I lied. Sue me. Lying is bad. Ok, all I lied about was that I said my post was going to be in 3 parts, including the "teaser" but I had to extend to probably 4 or more because there's too much to be said. It's a freaking white lie, but, I lied.

So here I am, back to World of Warcraft, really enjoying my 5 months of holiday because honestly, that has never happened in my entire school life. Period. Then while searching for fan videos of my favourite actor , I chanced upon his nephew. Yes, we have been trained to be skeptical when it comes to these sort of things because people lie to us all the time. The rule is: every person is a liar until proven honest. And that's what he did. Well, I didn't exactly think he was a liar, but I had my doubts. But he did show me some photos anyway which weren't photo shopped. So no, he wasn't lying.

He said his uncle was going to come visit in March. So I waited with bated breath and March arrived. Then suddenly, one Sunday night, he came on MSN and went 'Guess who's here?' and I was like 'Please tell me it's not who I think it is.' because I was totally unprepared. But yeah, it was his uncle. It was really an experience I could try to explain but unless you've been there, you won't understand the thrill and excitement. I wanted to talk to him, but they were busy watching rugby. Not to mention that he was 7 or 8 hours behind me, which effectively meant i should have been in bed long ago because it was around 7 pm his time. I went to bed that night feeling a bit bummed because I thought he would be there for 1 day or something.

On Thursday, I spoke to his nephew again and to my surprise, his uncle was still there. And yes, I did speak to him this time. For about 2 minutes. It was short but still worth it. And here I am now relieving the experience as though it was just yesterday. One could say that he was getting someone to pose, but you can obviously tell when someone else takes over the MSN chat, furthermore, I was told he was going to London on Friday, the uncle I mean.

At first, I had no idea why, but later I realised something that would further prove that it's really him. He attended a movie premier the following Monday at Leicester Square. So it times nicely with when he was visiting his nephew. In case you guys are wondering who it is, it's Jack Davenport. But I highly doubt any of you would know him because seriously, he's not that much of a big shot yet.

Ok, so that's pretty much everything that happened in the past 8 months. It's not a lot, but what can one expect when I'm in the house most of the time? Anyway, since I'm done with the summary of my life within the past 8 months in 3 posts, which is kind of pathetic, I'll be moving on to a newer way of blogging. Just changing my personal style because recently, I've got a new outlook on life. Hope you enjoy the change!

a sum up of the past 8 months (part 3)

Right, so moving on to a new post because people are so fatally lazy they can't bear to read the whole essay. Time flew as usual and suddenly its Christmas. Although for some reason yet unknown to me, I wasn't in a Chrismassy mood. Seriously, what with all the decorations going on like a month before it happens and stockings over the fireplace (yes, I know there are no fireplaces in Singapore, just pretend there are), you would expect me to be all for the arrival of Santa and his make believe presents under the tree which our parents sneak in before we wake up.

Somehow, maybe it's because of all the damn Christmas movies which Channel 5 never gets sick of showing year after year, I sort of became very emotional and I mass emailed my class to thank them for the wonderful year I had. Except for one person, he's an ass really. So in the end, sort of in the spirit of Christmas that people keeps shoving down each other's throats and what Jesus would freaking do, I decided to give him the best gift possible. Gift of forgiveness. I'm being a better person, rising above it all for the greater good, whatever that means. Then it's the New Year. 2009.

Fresh starts. Thanks to the calendar, they happen every year. Just set your watch to January. Our reward for surviving the holiday season, is a new year. Bringing on the great tradition of New Year’s resolutions. Put your past behind you, and start over. It’s hard to resist the chance at a new beginning. A chance to put the problems of last year to bed.

Nothing much happened, as with every other new year. I just went out with friends, watched the pretty fireworks and stayed over at his place. Considering it's my first time, I was a pretty good kid. Then while I was alone on the couch, I suddenly felt lonely. Really lonely. Freaking miserable. But it also gave me time to reflect. And I started thinking about what New Year truly means to me:

Who gets to determine when the old ends, and the new begins? It’s not a day on a calendar, not a birthday, not a new year. It’s an event. Big or small. Something that changes us. Ideally, it gives us hope.

A new way of living and looking at the world. Letting go of old habits, old memories. What’s important is that we never stop believing we can have a new beginning.

But it’s also important to remember that amid all the crap are a few things really worth holding on to.

a sum up of the past 8 months (part 2)

Ok, let's start. I'm at the airport, seated comfortably on the sofa of TCC with a cup of mint-choc frappe which by the way, isn't that great. So let's get moving. Picking up where I left off on the 13th of July, I'll fast forward to my birthday. It wasn't a great day, had to stay in sch till 4. It's like quite some time ago, so my memory is a bit fuzzy. First time anyone outside of my family celebrated my birthday and I really want to thank you guys. Seriously. Then I had some family drama, I can't really remember it but I'm very sure it happened.

Then we come all the way to promos. What can I say? It wasn't very great really. I missed the passing criteria by 1 grade. Supposed to get an S but I got a U instead. Funny thing is, it was my Lit that pulled me down. Here's the ironic part: Throughout my J1 year, I never really grasped how to go about doing a lit essay. I read a few, my friend helped me through but as you know, as far as lit essay is concerned, you can get all the help you need but unless you see the light, you won't fully comprehend it.

So there I was in the exam, thinking desperately how to go about doing the prose and what to write. When all of a sudden, it was as though someone unclogged the sink and everything started flowing and I realised there and then what everyone meant. Then I thought, "For christ's sake, of all times to enlighten me, you couldn't have done it earlier?", but it's better late than never. So yes, I flunked my promos. Then we had the speech by the principal on how we should consider an alternative route of study. And I wanted to say "You know the conversation? Yeah, I'm not interested.", but unfortunately I can't. I really struggled with the decision, kept going back and forth like a pendulum, trying to ignore my parents. Then I remembered a wise saying.

'The game: They say a person either has what it takes to play, or they don’t. My mother was one of the greats. Me, on the other hand… I’m kinda screwed.'

Well, my mother wasn't one of the greats, but my sister is. She's in university and it's like a huge crappy deal. At least to my family it matters, so its kind of related. Although this quote wasn't directed towards education, it does kind of mirror my crappy life I had at that point of time. So in the end, I decided that although I did have what it takes to play, I didn't really like the field, so off to the polytechnic I went.

a sum up of the past 8 months (part 1)

I have loads of stuff to talk about. There's so much I want to share but its like 3.30am and I can't be seen awake. So just take this as a teaser (haha, bullshit) as to what would be a very long post as it sums up the past 8 months which I was away because I was too fatally lazy to continue this damn blog. I'll split the main part into 2 parts. There's just too much to say and too little attention span. Haha.