my own personal brand of heroine (part 1)

Extracts/quotes from EW recaps/TV shows that crack me up like mad. This will be an ongoing thing and whenever I find something worth quoting, I'll post it up.

EW Brothers & Sisters recap, Annie Barrett, Cheat Drink Man Woman

"You know Marcus was just begging to be involved in the drama and is probably still relishing his facial wounds in his vanity mirror...which is probably surrounded by a dotted line of those huge round bulbs, fit for a stahhhhhhh!"

"And for Scotty, this was like a wake-up call to the rest of the Walkers as well as the viewers at home: Scotty is not perfect. We should stop assuming he is, even though that will be so hard because LOOK AT THAT PERFECT FACE. But no. "I'm just as lost and damaged and screwed-up as the rest of you," Scotty insisted. Okay, if he says so."

EW Brothers & Sisters recap, Annie Barrett, Absinthe Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

"But the real drama presented itself in Luc's visiting mother, Gabriella Laurent (guest star Sonia Braga, who's appeared in many a TV drama, but best of all, hello, Alias!) Right off the bat, there were signs she was a complete narcissist loon and also -- now that I'm reading over her first few sentences on Luc and Sarah's doorstep -- a pathological liar. "Sometimes you miss your children so much you just cannot stay away from them." (Lie.) "My only desire was to come here to meet Sarah." (Lie.) "I went ahead and booked a hotel room." (Probably a lie.) "I would rather die before I distracted my genius son from his work." (LOL.) At least we knew we were in for a dazzling, emotionally draining treat, courtesy of a(n at least a) decade-old bottle of absinthe."

EW Gossip Girl recap, Sandra Gonzalez, War of the Worlds

"Before leaving to attend to Serena's ass his class, Colin issued a warning to Juliet: Back off or get cut off. Not that he was paying for her to live in the lap of luxury. Sure, Columbia doesn't come cheap, but wouldn't billionaire cousin at least give her some money to buy clothes that she didn't have to return? Sorry, I forgot this show is best watched with an absence of reason and logic. (That's not a complaint…)"

"Meanwhile, Serena and Colin's well-calculated cab rendezvous (still with no sex) turned into a conversation about a possible weekend away from the city together so they could get to know each other like a normal couple. Serena loved the idea, telling Colin, "I'm packing in my head already." Ah! So that's what fills that space…"

"At the loft, another arrangement was in the process of being made: one between Nate and Vanessa, both of whom had feelings of ill will toward Juliet. They wanted vengeance, so Nate proposed an alliance. He would distract Juliet if Vanessa went to Juliet's real apartment to look for information they could use. The decision was easy for Vanessa: "Let me see, writing a paper on Hannah Arendt or a secret mission that might help me clear my name? Let me grab my bag." (I'm a little shocked she didn't also bring along her broom and her cauldron.)"

EW Grey's Anatomy recap, Jennifer Armstrong, Heat Under Pressure

"Now, everything was coming to a head: Stark stole Alex’s idea to use a ping-pong ball to fix the liver problem (I’m dumbfounded that it would be okay to have a ping-pong ball lodged in your abdomen, but I’ll go with it), but April made sure the Chief knew it was Alex’s. The pancreas patient started to crash, and Bailey was busy, so she told Avery to “open her up.” And Derek, Meredith, Owen, and Teddy were squabbling over whether to give Cristina a talking-to that night — while, yes, they were performing simultaneous brain and heart surgeries that could determine the fate of the Middle East. I hope Cristina appreciated that."

EW Grey's Anatomy recap, Jennifer Armstrong, A Million Dollars, Baby

"At any rate, we, along with the eager doctors, were led to believe that one department would get this supposed million dollars. This meant the attendings would be spending their day proposing grand plans to the Chief, and the residents would be the attendings. In other words, it was not exactly the day you wanted to check into Seattle Grace. Here's something you don’t want to hear from the Chief of the hospital you are checking into: “Pray, people. We want God in the building today.” You also don’t want to come in with massive headaches due to a build-up of fluid in your skull that will require a shunt, only to be told by Dr. Derek Shepherd that you shouldn’t sweat the residents doing your surgery because, hey, “At some point we have to let them operate. That’s how we make new surgeons."

"Owen asked for disaster training. “We failed Charles Percy, one of our own doctors. I can’t face that.” I would love it if they ended up with some Charles Percy Memorial something — just to immortalize that poor, useless character forever. I feel like his name has come up more since he died than it did in the season he was on the show."

"Mark proposed a cosmetic medicine center and a burn unit, mainly because, um, he’s horny? “I’m not seeing anyone right now,” he told the Chief. “I’m not sleeping with nurses. So I’m an untapped source of raw power.” Only at this hospital is this a valid funding argument."

I had so much fun re-reading the recaps trying to fish out the hugely hilarious bits and I hope you guys have as much fun as I did!