being a hero has its price

Those were the last words uttered by Cristina Yang on the latest episode of Grey's Anatomy just before it ended. And it really struck a chord in me and I was inspired by that sentence to do some writing. On being a hero. Figuratively. I mean, I don't have any supernatural powers and frankly, I'm not that magnanimous enough to help every random stranger I come across.

There's something to be said about being a hero. What does the word 'hero' mean to you? What's the definition of 'hero'? A being of justice with supernatural powers who tries to help everyone, right every wrong and continuously save the world from the forces of evil until he/she can't anymore? Right. No, obviously not. Who are the heroes in reality? Gandhi... Mother Teresa... and I can't think of anyone else. Really selfless people who devoted their lives to the progress of society.

But is it really all that gratifying as people make it out to be? The concept of a hero... is it just the people's need to believe in miracles? In the face of all the crappiness and misery, to know that there is one person in the midst of it all who can still accomplish things. I think that's where the concept of a hero was born. The people need... no, they want to believe that there are miracles. A "hero" is just the manifestation of that desire.

However, at what point do we draw the line? When do we say that it's enough, and we stop? I mean we can't go on forever helping other people. What about us? When we need help, who's there? Perhaps many of you find yourselves alone. Like me. We spend our time helping people get through their crap because either we want to, or we like to but there's no one who can help us get through ours. Because we are supposed to be the strong ones. We're supposed to have already gone through our crap. Or maybe, crap isn't supposed to happen to us.

I'm a good sponge. And a good friend. Not trying to blow my own horn, but I pride myself on the fact that I'm one of the rare few you can call a TRUE friend. People confide in me and I listen. I'm a good listener too. And I try to help them, well... maybe advise would be a better word. I know some of you are like, "What can you possibly advise people on when you're only 19?" Touche. BUT, and a big but for that matter, I have gone through things that not many 19 year-olds have which have helped to make me the person I've become. I know that I'm dark and twisty. Scary and damaged. Prince of darkness. Whatever.

But like what Derek told Meredith, "If there's a crisis, you don't freeze. You move forward. You get the rest of us to move forward. Because you've seen worse. You've survived worse, and you know we'll survive too. You say you're all dark and twisty. It's not a flaw. It's a strength. It makes you who you are."

Those words spoke to me on some unconscious, emotional level because those of you who know me well, know that I've always identified myself with the titular character of Grey's Anatomy. And I like to think that the things I've gone through, gives me the experience and the ability to help my peers move forward through their crisis. Yeah, sometimes I'm at a loss for words. Sometimes I don't know what to say. But I'm not perfect. No one is. And I digress. But my point, and I do have one, is that sometimes... being a hero is too freaking exhausting. And lonely.

I really want to help my friends. I do. It's like I have a weird, creepy passion for it or something. But sometimes, I just wanna say "Stop!" and take a breather. Sometimes it's just too much to handle. I mean, if we want to help others, we can't let our own personal crap get in the way. So we put on a facade and pretend everything's fine. But it's not. And sometimes, wearing the mask gets too tiring and I would like to remove it.

And like I mentioned before, I find that in times of trouble, more than once for that matter, I have no one to turn to. I feel the need to do some talking, and I switch on my phone, go to "Contacts" and what do you know? I have no number to dial. Not because I have no friends but because either they can't understand what I'm going through or I don't know them well enough to start vomiting out my problems.

I've been looking for a Cristina. Someone who can understand what I'm going through and will always be there for me. As a friend. I'm looking for a soulmate who's a friend. If that even makes sense. Anyway, I thought I found one, but I was wrong. And I've been looking, but there's no one. I mean they don't call it soulmates if you can find it so easily, right? And I need someone urgently because sometimes I just feel these rush of emotions and I just wanna talk to someone before I end up screaming into my pillow like a crazy, deranged, neurotic person.

So yes... being a hero has its price. We try to be there for everyone, and string ourselves out in the process, but we find that when we fall... there's no one to catch us. Because we're supposed to be the "heroes". We're infallible. We're invulnerable. We have no weakness. And that's not true. Because as much as we're heroes, we're humans too. We're just as lost, and damaged and screwed up as everyone else.