bright and shiny

For some reason, since I started watching Grey's Anatomy, I've always been able to identify myself with the main character, Meredith Grey. I don't know if it's the daddy issues, or the mummy issues or the severe abandonment issues which is the reason why I've always felt such a strong link. Call me crazy, but somehow I feel a deep connection with that character.

Maybe because on some weird emotional level I feel like I understand what she's going through because I'm kinda going through the same things as her. Obviously the problems are not as serious but I do face similar problems, and it really drains me emotionally at times.

She described herself as "dark and twisty", "scary and damaged" and somehow I adopted those same terms for myself. Ok, maybe that's where I'm going crazy. She describes herself as such because she knows that her problems of the past have emotionally stunted her to a point where she's afraid of commitment. Afraid to love someone because she's afraid to want him.

Though I don't have the same emotional blockage as her, but I face my own issues as well. I'm socially awkward amongst new people. I keep quiet and try not to draw attention to myself because I'm afraid of being judged. Afraid of being mocked and marginalised. I'm a social retard. And when the proverbial ice is broken, I become a creepy, chatting freak. A strongly opinionated person who can't seem to shut up and probably offends everyone around me. I'm the weirdo at the back of my class who chews his pencils, or hair, or whatever.

And I have serious self-esteem issues, which is kind of my fault because it stems from physical causes, but my parents aren't making it any easier for me. My mum storms in at 3 in the morning just to tell me that I'm a bastard and a good for nothing. Hah! So much for a healthy family environment, eh?

Looking back at my problems, I realised they stem from my toxic family environment. And I'm scared that when I grow up, I might not grow up to be the person I envisioned myself to be. Looking at Meredith Grey, I realised that's who I might become. I know it's just a TV show but the psychological/emotional effects of an unhealthy family environment are very, very real.

I don't wanna be scared to fall in love. I want to embrace it. The romance, the passion and the drama. All of it. I'm a very romantic person and I believe in things like soulmates and true love. Lingering gazes across the corridors, secret rendezvous in the elevators, the brushing of fingertips as you walk past each other... those are some of the things that I know are very unrealistic, but yet still hope will happen to me. And if it really does, if I do find my happy ending, I don't wanna find myself unable to accept it because I'm scared to.

Yet, the solution to my problem is very simple. Really. All I need is that one change I've been working for for so long. It's not gonna be a walk in the park but I know that once I've managed to achieve it, I'll finally be able to walk out of the shadow of my past.

I have grown very attached to describing myself as a negative and pessimistic person. That I'm dark and twisty, scary and damaged. Though I wish I can find someone who will accept the darker side of me, and tell me that being dark and twisty isn't a flaw but a strength for it makes me who I am, I wanna try and be bright and shiny. I don't wanna be a moody, brooding person who hates happy, sunshiny people for the rest of my life. I wanna try and be one of those happy people because I know I deserve better. I know I'm better than this.

I sincerely hope I can change my life and turn it around. When that happens, I'll walk in proud and tall, announcing to my friends that today is the day that dark and twisty Bryan disappears forever and bright and shiny Bryan takes his place and life is good...