new history

Doctors live in a world of constant progress. And forward motion. Stand still for a second, and you'll be left behind. But as hard as we try to move forward, as tempting as it is to never look back, the past always comes back to bite us in the ass. And as history shows us again, and again, those who forget the past, are doomed to repeat it.

For me, the past is something that I never want to experience again. I'm desperately wishing for it to go away. Wishing that it'll never come back to haunt me. I'm sure everyone, at some point in their lives, wish for the same thing. I've been trying to escape my past for god knows how long and finally, now, when everything is smooth sailing, it's back with a vengeance. And it's worse. Especially when you're aware you're repeating it again.

I'm just so confused. I don't know what to do. On the surface, everything seems fine. No troubles, no problems, no worries. Maybe it's really true, but maybe, beneath the surface, something bad this way comes. And I have no idea how to prepare myself for it. I feel horrible now. I got snapped at during work today for no reason. I tried my best. I freaking tried my best. But the guy was being a jackass. What was I supposed to do? Why are you snapping at me?

I feel horrible. Not only about the snapping, but everything else. For a moment, seriously, I was afraid to ask questions. I know I need to stop relying so much on others. I've been at work for what, 2 to 3 weeks? I need to stand on my own two feet. But there's just so many scenarios and so many questions. I can't possibly prepare for them all. And I'm afraid to give the wrong information because, like I said, the past will come back to bite you in the ass. Hard.

For the first time during my work, I wanted to leave so bad. I wanted to talk to someone. No, I needed to talk to someone. My person. Sometimes I feel bad for him. Whenever something crappy happens in my crappy life, he's the first person I call. And he'll listen to me bitch about the McCrap in my sad and pathetic life, albeit not so willing at times. I call him at least every 2 days to talk. And he still listens, despite his own crap that he has to deal with.

Sometimes, I feel like freaking Bambi. Seriously, when my knight in shining whatever appears, the first thing I'll do is to kick his ass from here to Saturday. Then I'll yell at him, "I'm all alone in the forest. All alone in the forest. And my mother's just been shot. And where are you? Where the hell are you?" Seriously, where the hell was he when I needed him the most?

Sometimes, the past is something you just can't let go of. And sometimes, the past is something we'll do anything to forget. And sometimes we learn something new about the past, that changes everything we know... about the present.