I've finally realised what I was doing wrong. I was looking for a person. My person. Someone whom I can trust. Like if I murdered someone, that's the person I'd call to help me drag the corpse across the living room floor. Someone who would be the first person I would want to tell stuff to because probably, telling them makes it real. And I was looking in the wrong place.
There's no one I can really trust. It's true. Maybe I'm overthinking it, but it's not exactly unfounded. Can you really blame me for being paranoid? I thought things would be different. That even though I'm this dark, depressing and pessimistic person, there would still be hope. A tiny, tiny ray of light. And yet, it gets snuffed out. Just like that. I thought that the days where I was alone would be gone. Finally. Forever. It would become a thing of the past. But now, it seems that things hasn't really changed. And going through that again? Especially when you're older? It really hurts. And it's much worse.
I should stop wearing my freaking heart on my freaking sleeve. 'Cause in the end, I'm the fool. I'm the one who gets emotionally invested. I'm the only one who puts myself out there. And for what? Nothing. In the end, I'm the one who gets hurt. It's a wonder I still trust people. Even after all the crap. I have no idea what is real and what is fake. I don't know if it's a facade. I have no idea if everything was just a coincidence.
I have no idea. And I'm struggling. Deep down, I'm struggling. Because I have no idea. And what I think might be the truth really scares me. And if it were really the truth, I don't know if I have the courage to face it and come back the same. I've gone through it too many times. And this time, things were really looking promising. I'm afraid to ask for the truth because I'm scared my worst fears will come true. And if it doesn't, things might become awkward. So here I am, still thinking about it because I still have no idea. And the thought... the thought of having no one and being alone... it really scares me.
Seriously, where's my knight in shining whatever?
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