Saturday, November 21, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
these ties that bind
I'm so freaking tired. And I can't go to sleep yet because I have tons of things to do. So why am I writing a blog post now? I have no idea. It's just that on the way home, I reflected on some things and felt that I should write it down.
Today was a very very long day. I mean it was from 8 in the morning till now. Seriously. I had work in the morning till 5.45pm. My back was aching like mad from sitting in the seat the whole day. I'm still feeling it now, though not so much as before. Then I went down to Sherraine's birthday party with Jerrome and Xue Yan. Ok, seriously guys, if you happen to read this, STOP MAKING FUN OF MY KNIGHT IN SHINING WHATEVER. It may be just some fantasy or a fairytale to you, but I do believe in it. So stop. Please.
Anyway, the party started off quite late 'cause the freaking charcoal refused to light up. Finally got the fire started after like 30 minutes, I think. Then I played a bit of Left for Dead 2 on Jerrome's laptop. Then basically we just barbecued food, lots and lots of it. Pork chops, chicken wings, some weird stick thingy with sausage and tomatoes and there was even stingray. Didn't really eat much of the BBQ food because I ate more of the cooked food so I was kind of full.
Later on, we played Sherraine's version of bridge which is so different. Brenda won and Jonathan lost. Which basically meant that he had to do a forfeit. Poor bloke. They actually wanted him to do a pole dance with the lamp post. But later we just had him do a dance around the tree. Oh god, it was really funny. He was kind of embarrassed though. I mean, can you blame him? But we were nice. We decided to keep the video private and not open it to public.
I really had so much fun just now and for once, probably one of the few instances in my life, I felt genuinely happy. And on the way back, I started to question myself. Could I be wrong? Maybe I am? Maybe everything's fine and will be fine? I mean, we're fine people. We do fine. I don't know. But this gathering surely proved one thing. That maybe... just maybe... everything's not as bleak as I thought it would be. For me at least. Maybe people like me deserve a second chance. That we actually can have a normal, happy life.
Every dark cloud has a silver lining. At least that's what the philosophers and the poets say. I could never actually see it though. But now, I can see it. It's faint... flickering... like it might disappear any second. But I can definitely see it. Defnitely.
Today was a very very long day. I mean it was from 8 in the morning till now. Seriously. I had work in the morning till 5.45pm. My back was aching like mad from sitting in the seat the whole day. I'm still feeling it now, though not so much as before. Then I went down to Sherraine's birthday party with Jerrome and Xue Yan. Ok, seriously guys, if you happen to read this, STOP MAKING FUN OF MY KNIGHT IN SHINING WHATEVER. It may be just some fantasy or a fairytale to you, but I do believe in it. So stop. Please.
Anyway, the party started off quite late 'cause the freaking charcoal refused to light up. Finally got the fire started after like 30 minutes, I think. Then I played a bit of Left for Dead 2 on Jerrome's laptop. Then basically we just barbecued food, lots and lots of it. Pork chops, chicken wings, some weird stick thingy with sausage and tomatoes and there was even stingray. Didn't really eat much of the BBQ food because I ate more of the cooked food so I was kind of full.
Later on, we played Sherraine's version of bridge which is so different. Brenda won and Jonathan lost. Which basically meant that he had to do a forfeit. Poor bloke. They actually wanted him to do a pole dance with the lamp post. But later we just had him do a dance around the tree. Oh god, it was really funny. He was kind of embarrassed though. I mean, can you blame him? But we were nice. We decided to keep the video private and not open it to public.
I really had so much fun just now and for once, probably one of the few instances in my life, I felt genuinely happy. And on the way back, I started to question myself. Could I be wrong? Maybe I am? Maybe everything's fine and will be fine? I mean, we're fine people. We do fine. I don't know. But this gathering surely proved one thing. That maybe... just maybe... everything's not as bleak as I thought it would be. For me at least. Maybe people like me deserve a second chance. That we actually can have a normal, happy life.
Every dark cloud has a silver lining. At least that's what the philosophers and the poets say. I could never actually see it though. But now, I can see it. It's faint... flickering... like it might disappear any second. But I can definitely see it. Defnitely.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
new history
Doctors live in a world of constant progress. And forward motion. Stand still for a second, and you'll be left behind. But as hard as we try to move forward, as tempting as it is to never look back, the past always comes back to bite us in the ass. And as history shows us again, and again, those who forget the past, are doomed to repeat it.
For me, the past is something that I never want to experience again. I'm desperately wishing for it to go away. Wishing that it'll never come back to haunt me. I'm sure everyone, at some point in their lives, wish for the same thing. I've been trying to escape my past for god knows how long and finally, now, when everything is smooth sailing, it's back with a vengeance. And it's worse. Especially when you're aware you're repeating it again.
I'm just so confused. I don't know what to do. On the surface, everything seems fine. No troubles, no problems, no worries. Maybe it's really true, but maybe, beneath the surface, something bad this way comes. And I have no idea how to prepare myself for it. I feel horrible now. I got snapped at during work today for no reason. I tried my best. I freaking tried my best. But the guy was being a jackass. What was I supposed to do? Why are you snapping at me?
I feel horrible. Not only about the snapping, but everything else. For a moment, seriously, I was afraid to ask questions. I know I need to stop relying so much on others. I've been at work for what, 2 to 3 weeks? I need to stand on my own two feet. But there's just so many scenarios and so many questions. I can't possibly prepare for them all. And I'm afraid to give the wrong information because, like I said, the past will come back to bite you in the ass. Hard.
For the first time during my work, I wanted to leave so bad. I wanted to talk to someone. No, I needed to talk to someone. My person. Sometimes I feel bad for him. Whenever something crappy happens in my crappy life, he's the first person I call. And he'll listen to me bitch about the McCrap in my sad and pathetic life, albeit not so willing at times. I call him at least every 2 days to talk. And he still listens, despite his own crap that he has to deal with.
Sometimes, I feel like freaking Bambi. Seriously, when my knight in shining whatever appears, the first thing I'll do is to kick his ass from here to Saturday. Then I'll yell at him, "I'm all alone in the forest. All alone in the forest. And my mother's just been shot. And where are you? Where the hell are you?" Seriously, where the hell was he when I needed him the most?
Sometimes, the past is something you just can't let go of. And sometimes, the past is something we'll do anything to forget. And sometimes we learn something new about the past, that changes everything we know... about the present.
For me, the past is something that I never want to experience again. I'm desperately wishing for it to go away. Wishing that it'll never come back to haunt me. I'm sure everyone, at some point in their lives, wish for the same thing. I've been trying to escape my past for god knows how long and finally, now, when everything is smooth sailing, it's back with a vengeance. And it's worse. Especially when you're aware you're repeating it again.
I'm just so confused. I don't know what to do. On the surface, everything seems fine. No troubles, no problems, no worries. Maybe it's really true, but maybe, beneath the surface, something bad this way comes. And I have no idea how to prepare myself for it. I feel horrible now. I got snapped at during work today for no reason. I tried my best. I freaking tried my best. But the guy was being a jackass. What was I supposed to do? Why are you snapping at me?
I feel horrible. Not only about the snapping, but everything else. For a moment, seriously, I was afraid to ask questions. I know I need to stop relying so much on others. I've been at work for what, 2 to 3 weeks? I need to stand on my own two feet. But there's just so many scenarios and so many questions. I can't possibly prepare for them all. And I'm afraid to give the wrong information because, like I said, the past will come back to bite you in the ass. Hard.
For the first time during my work, I wanted to leave so bad. I wanted to talk to someone. No, I needed to talk to someone. My person. Sometimes I feel bad for him. Whenever something crappy happens in my crappy life, he's the first person I call. And he'll listen to me bitch about the McCrap in my sad and pathetic life, albeit not so willing at times. I call him at least every 2 days to talk. And he still listens, despite his own crap that he has to deal with.
Sometimes, I feel like freaking Bambi. Seriously, when my knight in shining whatever appears, the first thing I'll do is to kick his ass from here to Saturday. Then I'll yell at him, "I'm all alone in the forest. All alone in the forest. And my mother's just been shot. And where are you? Where the hell are you?" Seriously, where the hell was he when I needed him the most?
Sometimes, the past is something you just can't let go of. And sometimes, the past is something we'll do anything to forget. And sometimes we learn something new about the past, that changes everything we know... about the present.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
out of the dark
I'm burned out and wasted
I'm tired of pacing
I'm busy erasing voices of the dead
Everything changes
And everyone's faceless
I wanna replace this darkness in my head
In a strange strange place, I'm lying on the edge of a star
In these violent days, I only wanna be where you are
Even fools they say... can find a way out of the dark
Of the dark
Help me out of the dark
Have I been a sinner?
A lover, a killer?
'Cause the world I've discovered
It feels nothing like my home
I wanna escape it
Or try to embrace it?
I keep re-arranging everything I know
In a strange strange place, I'm lying on the edge of a star
In these violent days, I only wanna be where you are
Even fools they say... can find a way out of the dark
Of the dark
Help me out of the dark
In a strange strange place, I'm lying on the edge of a star
In these violent days, I only wanna be where you are
Even fools they say... can find a way out of the dark
Of the dark
Help me out of the dark
Oh... Of the dark
Help me out of the dark
I'm tired of pacing
I'm busy erasing voices of the dead
Everything changes
And everyone's faceless
I wanna replace this darkness in my head
In a strange strange place, I'm lying on the edge of a star
In these violent days, I only wanna be where you are
Even fools they say... can find a way out of the dark
Of the dark
Help me out of the dark
Have I been a sinner?
A lover, a killer?
'Cause the world I've discovered
It feels nothing like my home
I wanna escape it
Or try to embrace it?
I keep re-arranging everything I know
In a strange strange place, I'm lying on the edge of a star
In these violent days, I only wanna be where you are
Even fools they say... can find a way out of the dark
Of the dark
Help me out of the dark
In a strange strange place, I'm lying on the edge of a star
In these violent days, I only wanna be where you are
Even fools they say... can find a way out of the dark
Of the dark
Help me out of the dark
Oh... Of the dark
Help me out of the dark
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
drowning on dry land
I've finally realised what I was doing wrong. I was looking for a person. My person. Someone whom I can trust. Like if I murdered someone, that's the person I'd call to help me drag the corpse across the living room floor. Someone who would be the first person I would want to tell stuff to because probably, telling them makes it real. And I was looking in the wrong place.
There's no one I can really trust. It's true. Maybe I'm overthinking it, but it's not exactly unfounded. Can you really blame me for being paranoid? I thought things would be different. That even though I'm this dark, depressing and pessimistic person, there would still be hope. A tiny, tiny ray of light. And yet, it gets snuffed out. Just like that. I thought that the days where I was alone would be gone. Finally. Forever. It would become a thing of the past. But now, it seems that things hasn't really changed. And going through that again? Especially when you're older? It really hurts. And it's much worse.
I should stop wearing my freaking heart on my freaking sleeve. 'Cause in the end, I'm the fool. I'm the one who gets emotionally invested. I'm the only one who puts myself out there. And for what? Nothing. In the end, I'm the one who gets hurt. It's a wonder I still trust people. Even after all the crap. I have no idea what is real and what is fake. I don't know if it's a facade. I have no idea if everything was just a coincidence.
I have no idea. And I'm struggling. Deep down, I'm struggling. Because I have no idea. And what I think might be the truth really scares me. And if it were really the truth, I don't know if I have the courage to face it and come back the same. I've gone through it too many times. And this time, things were really looking promising. I'm afraid to ask for the truth because I'm scared my worst fears will come true. And if it doesn't, things might become awkward. So here I am, still thinking about it because I still have no idea. And the thought... the thought of having no one and being alone... it really scares me.
Seriously, where's my knight in shining whatever?
There's no one I can really trust. It's true. Maybe I'm overthinking it, but it's not exactly unfounded. Can you really blame me for being paranoid? I thought things would be different. That even though I'm this dark, depressing and pessimistic person, there would still be hope. A tiny, tiny ray of light. And yet, it gets snuffed out. Just like that. I thought that the days where I was alone would be gone. Finally. Forever. It would become a thing of the past. But now, it seems that things hasn't really changed. And going through that again? Especially when you're older? It really hurts. And it's much worse.
I should stop wearing my freaking heart on my freaking sleeve. 'Cause in the end, I'm the fool. I'm the one who gets emotionally invested. I'm the only one who puts myself out there. And for what? Nothing. In the end, I'm the one who gets hurt. It's a wonder I still trust people. Even after all the crap. I have no idea what is real and what is fake. I don't know if it's a facade. I have no idea if everything was just a coincidence.
I have no idea. And I'm struggling. Deep down, I'm struggling. Because I have no idea. And what I think might be the truth really scares me. And if it were really the truth, I don't know if I have the courage to face it and come back the same. I've gone through it too many times. And this time, things were really looking promising. I'm afraid to ask for the truth because I'm scared my worst fears will come true. And if it doesn't, things might become awkward. So here I am, still thinking about it because I still have no idea. And the thought... the thought of having no one and being alone... it really scares me.
Seriously, where's my knight in shining whatever?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)