i always feel like somebody's watching me

Paranoia gives you an edge in the OR. Surgeons play out worst-case scenarios in their heads. You're ready to close, you got the bleeder. You know it but there's that voice in your head asking. What if you didn't? What if the patient dies and you could have prevented it? So you check your work one more time before you close. Paranoia is a surgeon's best friend.

So earlier I was freaking out over my job interview because I thought it wasn't that great and I thought I didn't get the job because there was no call, blah dee blah blah blah... Guess what? I got THE call on Sunday and it totally took me by surprise. I was resigned to the fact that I didn't get the job and then suddenly, my phone rang last Sunday afternoon. I thought it was my sister or friend or whatever. So I picked it up and I saw the first 4 numbers go "6319" and I went "OH.MY.GOD." I quickly answered it and Karen called to tell me I was successful and to come down for the training which started today.

I'm a glass half empty person. Seriously. I'm dark and depressing. So usually, I tend to imagine out the worst case scenarios. I have no idea why as well. And when I got something to worry about, I always go overboard and my emotions just go into overload. I swear. I get all panicky, my heart rate increases and I totally freak out. Like when I was waiting for my results, or the job application or waiting to find out why I failed my subject despite doing well for my supplementary paper. I try to calm myself down by focusing on the here and now, on what's right in front of me. So I go about my life as usual, hoping that somehow, impossibly, I will forget about my worries. But there's always this nagging voice at the back of my head that just rudely pulls me back to reality.

Oh, and I failed my subject not because I did badly for the paper. But because my coursework already sucked so bad that when they calculated the supp paper, I still didn't pass. So I have to retake the whole subject again next year. I don't mind though, provided they don't change the Illustrator and Photoshop assignment. Which I don't think it's possible because I can't think of anything else to test your Illustrator and Photoshop skills.

We're all susceptible to it, the dread and anxiety of not knowing what's coming. It's pointless in the end, because all the worrying and the making of plans for things that could or could not happen, it only makes things worse. So walk your dog or take a nap. Just whatever you do, stop worrying. Because the only cure for paranoia is to be here, just as you are.