the shattered fragments of me......

sir, are you high?

2011-02-21T12:41:00.006+08:00

I just saw an update on Entertainment Weekly that got me very riled up because it comes across as rude, ignorant and insulting. Let me provide the entire letter for your perusal before I point out how flawed it is.

An Open Letter to Neil Portnow, NARAS and the Grammy Awards

Over the course of my 20-year history as an executive in the music business and as the owner of a firm that specializes in in-culture advertising, I have come to the conclusion that the Grammy Awards have clearly lost touch with contemporary popular culture. My being a music fan has left me with an even greater and deeper sense of dismay — so much so that I feel compelled to write this letter. Where I think that the Grammys fail stems from two key sources: (1) over-zealousness to produce a popular show that is at odds with its own system of voting and (2) fundamental disrespect of cultural shifts as being viable and artistic.

As an institution that celebrates artistic works of musicians, singers, songwriters, producers and technical specialists, we have come to expect that the Grammys upholds all of the values that reflect the very best in music that is born from our culture. Unfortunately, the awards show has become a series of hypocrisies and contradictions, leaving me to question why any contemporary popular artist would even participate. How is it possible that in 2001 The Marshall Mathers LP — an album by Eminem that ushered in the Bob Dylan of our time — was beaten out by Steely Dan (no disrespect) for Album Of The Year? While we cannot solely utilize album sales as the barometer, this was certainly not the case.

Not only is Eminem the best-selling artist of the last decade, but The Marshall Mathers LP was a critical and commercial success that sold over 10 million albums in the United States (19 million worldwide), while Steely Dan sold less than 10% of that amount and came and went as quietly as a church mouse. Or consider even that in 2008 at the 50th Annual Grammy Awards, after going into the night as the most-nominated artist, Kanye West’s Graduation was beaten out for Album Of The Year by Herbie Hancock’s River: The Joni Letters. (This was the first time in 43 years that a jazz album won this category.) While there is no doubt in my mind of the artistic talents of Steely Dan or Herbie Hancock, we must acknowledge the massive cultural impact of Eminem and Kanye West and how their music is shaping, influencing and defining the voice of a generation. It is this same cultural impact that acknowledged the commercial and critical success of Michael Jackson’s Thriller in 1984.

Just so that I’m not showing partiality to hip-hop artists (although it would be an entirely different letter as to how hip-hop music has been totally diminished as an art form by this organization), how is it that Justin Bieber, an artist that defines what it means to be a modern artist, did not win Best New Artist? Again, his cultural impact and success are even more quantifiable if you factor in his YouTube and Vevo viewership — the fact that he was a talent born entirely of the digital age whose story was crafted in the most humble method of being “discovered” purely for his singing ability (and it should be noted that Justin Bieber plays piano and guitar, as evidenced on his early viral videos).

So while these very artists that the public acknowledges as being worthy of their money and fandom are snubbed year after year at the Grammys, the awards show has absolutely no qualms in inviting these same artists to perform. At first I thought that you were not paying attention to the fact that the mental complexion of the world is becoming tanned, that multiculturalism and poly-ethnicity are driving new meaning as to what is culturally relevant. Interesting that the Grammys understands cultural relevance when it comes to using Eminem’s, Kanye West’s or Justin Bieber’s name in the billing to ensure viewership and to deliver the all-too-important ratings for its advertisers.

What truly inspired the writing of this letter was that this most recent show fed my suspicions. As the show was coming to a close and just prior to presenting the award for Album Of The Year, the band Arcade Fire performed “Month of May” — only to… surprise… win the category and, in a moment of sheer coincidence, happened to be prepared to perform “Ready to Start.”

Does the Grammys intentionally use artists for their celebrity, popularity and cultural appeal when they already know the winners and then program a show against this expectation? Meanwhile the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences hides behind the “peer” voting system to escape culpability for not even rethinking its approach.

And I imagine that next year there will be another televised super-close-up of an astonished front-runner as they come to the realization before a national audience… that he or she was used.

You are being called to task at this very moment, NARAS.

And to all of the artists that attend the Grammys: Stop accepting the invitation to be the upset of the year and demand that this body upholds its mission for advocacy and support of artistry as culture evolves.

Demand that they change this system and truly reflect and truly acknowledge your art.

Steve Stoute

Mr Steve Stoute does provide compelling arguments initially and I will not object to those purely because I lack the experience and knowledge. However, whatever weight and credibility his words carry in the first half of the letter was severely marred by the second half where he defines Justin Bieber as a "modern artist" who was snubbed because he did not win Best New Artist. Oh, then he went on to chastise the Grammys for "intentionally using" artists to draw in viewers by capitalising on their "celebrity, popularity and cultural appeal".

Pray tell Mr Stoute, exactly what part of Bieber screams "modern artist"? Do you even know what "artist" is? Just because you have a good singing voice, can play a couple of instruments (or 2, in the case of Bieber) and co-written teen-pop songs which just revolve around love and girls (both of which I doubt he has experienced), does not an artist make. Have you heard of Joshua Radin? Or Anya Marina?

Oh, not mainstream enough? How about Ingrid Michaelson? Still not enough for you? Let's go even more mainstream then. David Cook? Kris Allen? Adam Lambert? Ring any bells? Those singers are more than twice the artist Bieber will ever be. Justin is rude and ignorant and to compare him to real "artists" is so demeaning to them.

At 16, he apparently doesn't know where Germany is, produces meaningless teen-pop songs, gropes girls who look like they could be his babysitter or his mum and produces a movie. Seriously? What horrible, unspeakable tragedies could he have experienced within SIXTEEN years that warrants a film out of his life story? Oh sorry, "less than a quarter" of his life and of what others have experienced. If he can make a movie, I should totally be making one. In fact, all of us should make a lifetime movie because I can guarantee that easily half of us have gone through more in the first 16 years of our lives. And if that is not enough, he goes and puts his name to bedsheets and nail polish.

He disses Lady Gaga's fashion with snarky comments like "you have meat on you" and "you're an egg" and thinks he's funny. Lady Gaga, mind you. Perhaps one of the most celebrated artists in recent times who has contributed so much musically and socially. And what has Bieber done? Besides plastering his face to bedsheets and his name to bottles of nail polish?

By the way, the Grammys are about excellence. It celebrates and rewards the singer's talent and artistry and musicality. Not album sales or fan reception and certainly not being a teenybopper idol. Like Simon Jester commented on the EW message boards, this ain't the People's Choice Awards. And might I point out that a huge majority of Bieber's fans are screaming teen girls who really don't know how to appreciate true talent even if it hit them in the face? So what "popularity and cultural appeal" do you think the Grammys are trying to exploit? A million screaming teen girls? Seriously?

And your definition of "artist" is so cheap. Let me explain. Bieber is your definition of a "modern artist". Bieber was just a nobody who filmed himself playing instruments and singing and then posted these videos on YouTube before being "discovered". So by your definition, as long as I break out my guitar, sing a few tunes, film myself and put it on YouTube and get signed by a record label, I'm an "artist"? Really?

So before Mr Stoute makes such bold claims and harsh critiques, I implore him to open his eyes and expose himself to other genres of music and see for himself what a true "artist" is. Even if he is unable to do so because he has been pigeonholed into the Hiphop/Rap genre for 25 years, mainstream "artists" like David Cook and Kris Allen and Adam Lambert hold so much more artistry than that SIXTEEN year old can ever hope to attain. And lastly, if Mr Stoute's 25 years of experience in the music industry leads him to conclude that Bieber is the definition of a "modern artist" and truly deserving of a Grammy -despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary- then I really worry for the future of our music industry.

"appealingly multicultural"

2011-02-15T15:26:00.004+08:00

Okay this post has nothing to do with the title but I thought that phrase stood out from the excerpt of the article I'm about to quote. I just find it funny... I need to jot it down now...

Anyway, my very good friend on Twitter knows that I absolutely love Darren Criss so he linked me some pics on E! Online which I later found out came from an article on Darren from OUT Magazine. So I scurried over to read the article (and gawk at Darren in all his shirtless glory) and I realised that there was so much more waiting for me than just the pictures.

The article was insightful, interesting and witty. The journalist briefly explored Criss's background, what Glee meant to Criss and what the character Blaine represents for the community and for Kurt as well. That was even a little teaser by Glee creator, Ryan Murphy that will possibly lead to a riot outside FOX Studios by a 10 000 (possibly more) strong crowd wanting to stab a harpoon into the writers' eye.

While reading the article, and admiring Criss's "credentials", I realised this type of journalism is right up my alley. I want to do interviews like that and this is the style of writing I want to emulate and hopefully one day, cultivate. I'm gonna quote a short extract and I hope you guys enjoy it. Oh, and on a side note, they had a list of "10 Most Eligible Gay Bachelors" and Luke Macfarlane was on it! That is pretty much a no-brainer. Sadly, Criss is straight or I'm sure he would have made the list in a heartbeat. Yes, I hear the screams and cheers of millions of women around the world as they know that they at least have a 1% chance of getting him. Damn you, girls.

Extract from OUT Magazine, The New Kid on the Block

"Criss’s backstory is so good it seems tailor-made for this moment. He grew up in San Francisco (translation: he’s gay-friendly), where he was a big musical theater geek (see previous); his mom is Filipino and his dad is Irish (so he’s appealingly multicultural); he graduated from the University of Michigan in 2009 (in other words, he’s a smartie); his self-produced EP and the Harry Potter musical parody he and his UM friends made became worldwide viral video hits (he’s creative, resourceful, and of-the-moment); he auditioned three times for Glee (that’s persistence); and he’s still deeply involved in Team StarKid, the theater company he started with his friends in college (he’s grounded)."

tender moments

2011-01-14T22:33:00.005+08:00

Standing in the middle of a packed train can really jumpstart those brain cells. No seriously... most of the time, I get the urge to write while I'm on the way home on the train and I'm lost in my own thoughts. It all started when a lady hit me with her Neverfull LV bag, which is kind of a humiliation because I absolutely hate that bag. It's so worn to death, it looks tacky and it's just ugly.

Anyway, I have just finished watching Love and Other Drugs with my friend. It's a romantic comedy starring Jake Gyllenhaal and Anne Hathaway. Jake's really gorgeous and he has such mesmerising blue eyes. You kind of feel you can get lost in them just by gazing into those eyes. If the eyes are the window into a person's soul, Jake has got a really beautiful soul.

God... I seem to gush at almost every Hollywood actor. I've really got to stop. Haha. Everyone seems to be "gorgeous" to me... Crap, I need to find a new adjective. I digress...

Like I was saying, this lady accidentally hit me with her LV bag and then it's like someone flipped a switch in me and voilà, the words started flowing.

While watching Love and Other Drugs, I discovered it pretty much panned out like a simple, slightly clichéd love story. I was waiting for something big, good or bad, to happen but nada... zilch. Just a simple love story of a pharmaceutical rep who met a girl with Parkinson's, fell in love with her and then pushed her away by trying desperately to find a cure for her which led her to think that he wasn't able to accept her sickness. In the end, he realised he just wanted her and was willing to love her for who she is. I know, it sounds corny.

Initially, I was disappointed with the film about halfway through and only at the end when he was trying to win her back and my eyes were glistening with tears, did I realise the true beauty of this film.

Simplicity.

It's a simple love story that warms your heart and that's the beauty of it. Often, our lives are so complicated and full of drama that when watching love stories, we want them to mirror our crappy, drama-filled lives so we feel relevant and connected. As such, we very often neglect the allure of simplicity. In simplicity, we find happiness. In simplicity, we find solace and comfort. In simplicity... well, in simplicity, we find acceptance. We let down our defensive guards and we let our walls come down and let ourselves feel vulnerable.

Simple gestures like bringing someone food, or sending someone flowers, or even as basic as not forgetting someone's birthday can bring true happiness to someone. Even if it's just a fleeting moment, at least they've experienced pure bliss and joy. Simplicity......

Another point I want to bring up is the "existence" of that one perfect guy who compliments you. Many people, okay... this is my wish but it's essentially the same as others, many people wish to find their McDreamy who'll say McDreamy things to them. Someone who understands you more than you do, who accepts you no matter how damaged you are and who loves you more than anything in the world.

And we see so many of these characters in television and movies and Jake's character is one classic example. He's not perfect, he's screwed up and flawed but he knows for sure that he loves Anne's character and wants to take care of her for the rest of his life. So by watching such shows, we have a fantasy of one day meeting our knight in shining whatever, especially if you're exposed to it from a young age.

But as we grow up and hear the stories and see the people, we start to lose confidence in finding that person. We begin to believe he never existed, that he's the stuff of dreams and our fantasy shatters. People say we're unrealistic for harbouring such hopes. I understand where they're coming from because I'm grappling with such feelings as well. I think, should I just give up? I've never been in a relationship but those stories just seem way too real. But then again, do I want to abandon my dream and become like "those people"? "Those people" who lose hope fast and give in to the harsh reality and say they're "being practical". Do I want to be normal and like everyone else?

I feel like this "dream" of mine is what sets me apart from the crowd. How many of you out there can honestly say you haven't given hope on finding your true love? Probably a handful, probably lesser. In a news article I read somewhere a while ago, they conducted a survey amongst married couples and found out that, I think, around 70% of them said they know their spouse isn't "the one". So what exactly does this reflect? I think we often just give up and give in and settle down for the sake of doing so. Because apparently we "need to be practical."

This quote from Grey's really struck a chord in me. Yes, I know it's from a television show, ergo, it's not real but just read on.

"Do you know what kind of miracle it is that Derek is who he is? Do you know how rare it is that someone like him even exists? He's still an optimist! He still believes in true love and magic and soul mates."

And that's my question to you guys. Do you know what kind of a miracle that people like me, you, and some others still exist? Do you know how rare it is? I think that's the whole point. In the face of reality, in the face of our own experiences and others', we are still able to remain steadfast in our beliefs. And how many people can do that?

This post, I guess, is in a lot of ways about me as well. I'm trying to convince myself to hold true to my beliefs because my confidence started to waver. It may be the stuff of dreams and movies and television but I want to believe that some day, I will meet my McDreamy... some day, I will meet my knight in shining whatever. And I have to believe in that as well because the future keeps me grounded and sane... I have to believe because my beliefs let me know that I'm unique. That I'm different. My beliefs let me know that I'm something else...

snacking at night makes the mind go wild

2010-11-22T01:31:00.004+08:00

So I was rewarding myself after making it through this week because I had to submit an assignment and go through an interview with The New Paper for my internship which I think, didn't go as well as I had expected. I went out for a BBQ gathering with my Bottega ION colleagues on Friday at East Coast Park and had loads of fun. To think I almost didn't go down until KY agreed to wait for me. Anyway, I didn't eat a lot but I laughed so hard at times, I had tears in my eyes. It was a non-stop laughfest. Gorgeous! How 'bout it? HAH!

Then I treated myself to a TV series marathon, mainly Brothers & Sisters and Grey's Anatomy, and now I find myself here, in the dead of the night, trying to complete my assignment which is due Tuesday morning. But my mind is just whirling and noisy and I can't focus. I keep getting distracted by my shows, but it's not that I'm watching. I mean I've watched, but I can't keep the quotes out of my head because it's so freaking hilarious. By watching Brothers & Sisters, I've learned "lessons" which I now call Bryanisms, which I realise is plagiarising since they're not my ideas, but what the hell.

Bryanism #1: If you bake the cake, he'll come.

Kevin was mad at Nora and when she was making his birthday feast, Scotty -Kevin's husband- told her that he wasn't coming and she said that if he baked the cake, Kevin would come. And I thought it was kinda funny and I can totally imagine myself saying that to someone, so why not?

Bryanism #2: You have to care about the carrots. It's the carrots and onions and celery that ground us. Nothing is more basic than that when the whole world is shifting and changing; you got to hold on to your carrots.

Again, Sarah was telling Nora that Kevin wasn't coming and she got irritated that her mum didn't seem to understand that so she yelled at her to stop chopping the carrots 'cause it wasn't important. And Nora told her that she was wrong. And what she basically meant by that quote was that in the face of change, you have to be grounded. You have to hold your ground. Although it's a pretty serious lesson, you gotta admit, the analogy is hilarious. HOLD ON TO YOUR CARROTS PEOPLE!

Bryanism #3: If someone disapproves of you drinking when it's not even noon, just say that you're being European.

Nora walked into the kitchen and found Kevin and Sarah sipping champagne and she was shocked to see them drinking when it wasn't even noon. She expressed her concern and Kevrah (a nickname they coined for themselves when they played doubles for tennis in the past) said that they were "being European". I chuckled. And I realised that I'm gonna say that until the end of time. This is what I love about screenwriting. They always have some witty and insightful remarks which we're all gonna adopt for the rest of our lives.

So that's basically what I can't get out of my head. I keep thinking that at some point in the distant future, I'm gonna use those quotes on people and laugh. And while the prospect of that is, well, hilarious, I have serious work to do. And my mind still won't shut up. I thought the post would work, an outlet to channel my mental energies but it didn't 'cause writing about those quotes just made me even more... crazy, for lack of a better term. And now I'm telling myself, "Ok. You gotta stop 'cause you gotta hold on to your carrots and stop laughing!" And I think I'm making things worse, aren't I? Hah!

my own personal brand of heroine (part 1)

2010-11-15T23:06:00.003+08:00

Extracts/quotes from EW recaps/TV shows that crack me up like mad. This will be an ongoing thing and whenever I find something worth quoting, I'll post it up.

EW Brothers & Sisters recap, Annie Barrett, Cheat Drink Man Woman

"You know Marcus was just begging to be involved in the drama and is probably still relishing his facial wounds in his vanity mirror...which is probably surrounded by a dotted line of those huge round bulbs, fit for a stahhhhhhh!"

"And for Scotty, this was like a wake-up call to the rest of the Walkers as well as the viewers at home: Scotty is not perfect. We should stop assuming he is, even though that will be so hard because LOOK AT THAT PERFECT FACE. But no. "I'm just as lost and damaged and screwed-up as the rest of you," Scotty insisted. Okay, if he says so."

EW Brothers & Sisters recap, Annie Barrett, Absinthe Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

"But the real drama presented itself in Luc's visiting mother, Gabriella Laurent (guest star Sonia Braga, who's appeared in many a TV drama, but best of all, hello, Alias!) Right off the bat, there were signs she was a complete narcissist loon and also -- now that I'm reading over her first few sentences on Luc and Sarah's doorstep -- a pathological liar. "Sometimes you miss your children so much you just cannot stay away from them." (Lie.) "My only desire was to come here to meet Sarah." (Lie.) "I went ahead and booked a hotel room." (Probably a lie.) "I would rather die before I distracted my genius son from his work." (LOL.) At least we knew we were in for a dazzling, emotionally draining treat, courtesy of a(n at least a) decade-old bottle of absinthe."

EW Gossip Girl recap, Sandra Gonzalez, War of the Worlds

"Before leaving to attend to Serena's ass his class, Colin issued a warning to Juliet: Back off or get cut off. Not that he was paying for her to live in the lap of luxury. Sure, Columbia doesn't come cheap, but wouldn't billionaire cousin at least give her some money to buy clothes that she didn't have to return? Sorry, I forgot this show is best watched with an absence of reason and logic. (That's not a complaint…)"

"Meanwhile, Serena and Colin's well-calculated cab rendezvous (still with no sex) turned into a conversation about a possible weekend away from the city together so they could get to know each other like a normal couple. Serena loved the idea, telling Colin, "I'm packing in my head already." Ah! So that's what fills that space…"

"At the loft, another arrangement was in the process of being made: one between Nate and Vanessa, both of whom had feelings of ill will toward Juliet. They wanted vengeance, so Nate proposed an alliance. He would distract Juliet if Vanessa went to Juliet's real apartment to look for information they could use. The decision was easy for Vanessa: "Let me see, writing a paper on Hannah Arendt or a secret mission that might help me clear my name? Let me grab my bag." (I'm a little shocked she didn't also bring along her broom and her cauldron.)"

EW Grey's Anatomy recap, Jennifer Armstrong, Heat Under Pressure

"Now, everything was coming to a head: Stark stole Alex’s idea to use a ping-pong ball to fix the liver problem (I’m dumbfounded that it would be okay to have a ping-pong ball lodged in your abdomen, but I’ll go with it), but April made sure the Chief knew it was Alex’s. The pancreas patient started to crash, and Bailey was busy, so she told Avery to “open her up.” And Derek, Meredith, Owen, and Teddy were squabbling over whether to give Cristina a talking-to that night — while, yes, they were performing simultaneous brain and heart surgeries that could determine the fate of the Middle East. I hope Cristina appreciated that."

EW Grey's Anatomy recap, Jennifer Armstrong, A Million Dollars, Baby

"At any rate, we, along with the eager doctors, were led to believe that one department would get this supposed million dollars. This meant the attendings would be spending their day proposing grand plans to the Chief, and the residents would be the attendings. In other words, it was not exactly the day you wanted to check into Seattle Grace. Here's something you don’t want to hear from the Chief of the hospital you are checking into: “Pray, people. We want God in the building today.” You also don’t want to come in with massive headaches due to a build-up of fluid in your skull that will require a shunt, only to be told by Dr. Derek Shepherd that you shouldn’t sweat the residents doing your surgery because, hey, “At some point we have to let them operate. That’s how we make new surgeons."

"Owen asked for disaster training. “We failed Charles Percy, one of our own doctors. I can’t face that.” I would love it if they ended up with some Charles Percy Memorial something — just to immortalize that poor, useless character forever. I feel like his name has come up more since he died than it did in the season he was on the show."

"Mark proposed a cosmetic medicine center and a burn unit, mainly because, um, he’s horny? “I’m not seeing anyone right now,” he told the Chief. “I’m not sleeping with nurses. So I’m an untapped source of raw power.” Only at this hospital is this a valid funding argument."

I had so much fun re-reading the recaps trying to fish out the hugely hilarious bits and I hope you guys have as much fun as I did!

being a hero has its price

2010-11-01T23:11:00.010+08:00

Those were the last words uttered by Cristina Yang on the latest episode of Grey's Anatomy just before it ended. And it really struck a chord in me and I was inspired by that sentence to do some writing. On being a hero. Figuratively. I mean, I don't have any supernatural powers and frankly, I'm not that magnanimous enough to help every random stranger I come across.

There's something to be said about being a hero. What does the word 'hero' mean to you? What's the definition of 'hero'? A being of justice with supernatural powers who tries to help everyone, right every wrong and continuously save the world from the forces of evil until he/she can't anymore? Right. No, obviously not. Who are the heroes in reality? Gandhi... Mother Teresa... and I can't think of anyone else. Really selfless people who devoted their lives to the progress of society.

But is it really all that gratifying as people make it out to be? The concept of a hero... is it just the people's need to believe in miracles? In the face of all the crappiness and misery, to know that there is one person in the midst of it all who can still accomplish things. I think that's where the concept of a hero was born. The people need... no, they want to believe that there are miracles. A "hero" is just the manifestation of that desire.

However, at what point do we draw the line? When do we say that it's enough, and we stop? I mean we can't go on forever helping other people. What about us? When we need help, who's there? Perhaps many of you find yourselves alone. Like me. We spend our time helping people get through their crap because either we want to, or we like to but there's no one who can help us get through ours. Because we are supposed to be the strong ones. We're supposed to have already gone through our crap. Or maybe, crap isn't supposed to happen to us.

I'm a good sponge. And a good friend. Not trying to blow my own horn, but I pride myself on the fact that I'm one of the rare few you can call a TRUE friend. People confide in me and I listen. I'm a good listener too. And I try to help them, well... maybe advise would be a better word. I know some of you are like, "What can you possibly advise people on when you're only 19?" Touche. BUT, and a big but for that matter, I have gone through things that not many 19 year-olds have which have helped to make me the person I've become. I know that I'm dark and twisty. Scary and damaged. Prince of darkness. Whatever.

But like what Derek told Meredith, "If there's a crisis, you don't freeze. You move forward. You get the rest of us to move forward. Because you've seen worse. You've survived worse, and you know we'll survive too. You say you're all dark and twisty. It's not a flaw. It's a strength. It makes you who you are."

Those words spoke to me on some unconscious, emotional level because those of you who know me well, know that I've always identified myself with the titular character of Grey's Anatomy. And I like to think that the things I've gone through, gives me the experience and the ability to help my peers move forward through their crisis. Yeah, sometimes I'm at a loss for words. Sometimes I don't know what to say. But I'm not perfect. No one is. And I digress. But my point, and I do have one, is that sometimes... being a hero is too freaking exhausting. And lonely.

I really want to help my friends. I do. It's like I have a weird, creepy passion for it or something. But sometimes, I just wanna say "Stop!" and take a breather. Sometimes it's just too much to handle. I mean, if we want to help others, we can't let our own personal crap get in the way. So we put on a facade and pretend everything's fine. But it's not. And sometimes, wearing the mask gets too tiring and I would like to remove it.

And like I mentioned before, I find that in times of trouble, more than once for that matter, I have no one to turn to. I feel the need to do some talking, and I switch on my phone, go to "Contacts" and what do you know? I have no number to dial. Not because I have no friends but because either they can't understand what I'm going through or I don't know them well enough to start vomiting out my problems.

I've been looking for a Cristina. Someone who can understand what I'm going through and will always be there for me. As a friend. I'm looking for a soulmate who's a friend. If that even makes sense. Anyway, I thought I found one, but I was wrong. And I've been looking, but there's no one. I mean they don't call it soulmates if you can find it so easily, right? And I need someone urgently because sometimes I just feel these rush of emotions and I just wanna talk to someone before I end up screaming into my pillow like a crazy, deranged, neurotic person.

So yes... being a hero has its price. We try to be there for everyone, and string ourselves out in the process, but we find that when we fall... there's no one to catch us. Because we're supposed to be the "heroes". We're infallible. We're invulnerable. We have no weakness. And that's not true. Because as much as we're heroes, we're humans too. We're just as lost, and damaged and screwed up as everyone else.

Grey's Anatomy recap: I'm not G.I. Jane, I'm Attachment Barbie!

2010-10-11T16:24:00.007+08:00

Early in the episode, we saw a tearful Teddy and as Callie revealed, "Oh... you didn't. She got attached." Yup. She so did. To his hair. Like me. Perfect hair, what more can I say? She wasn't able to follow Callie and Arizona's advice to not get emotionally involved. "Oh no. No no no. You were supposed to be smart and cool and G.I. Jane," Arizona explained.

"I'm not G.I. Jane, I'm Attachment Barbie!" Teddy moaned.

James Tupper was only signed on for three episodes so he had to go. My life is ruined! I need that pretty hair in my life! "I like you more than I wanted to," she admitted to Perkins. He cuddled her and said, "You fall for men who aren't available, engaged and only in town for a few weeks. You're making some lousy choices, Altman. You deserve a little more." And my heart just melted.

Alex was also battling his own form of trauma. Apparently, getting shot and almost bleeding to death in the elevator caused him to have a phobia of riding the elevators. So he had been taking the stairs all day and he smelled and the Chief pointed out that he needed a shower. Then he forced Alex to ride the elevator with him, up and down, until he was "not scared, just bored". And it worked.

The episode ended on a less happy note. April pointed out to Lexie that the reason why Mark kept staring at her was because he still loved her. Not because she was a freak. Lexie, full of hope, went to his apartment and found him getting hot and steamy with McDreamy's sister and she watched, disappointment clearly etched on her face.

So, what do you guys think? Was last week's episode up to your expectations? Will Cristina get over her new found fear of scalpels? Will April be de-cherryised? Will Lexie and Mark ever find their happily ever after? Sound off in the comments!

Grey's Anatomy recap: Use protection, people! Seriously.

2010-10-11T15:58:00.005+08:00

In this episode, we were introduced to two medical cases. One was major, the other was well... funny. A patient in a hoodie shows up at Seattle Grace Mercy West but refused to come out of the car. Apparently, his wife forced him into the car and drove them there. And when he did come out, Lexie screamed and we realised why. He was covered in fungus-like warts and had claw-like hands that resembled a tree.

Mark explained that he had contracted HPV and in rare cases like his, his immune deficiency caused the warts to go out of control. It is, by the way, a real thing. The doctors offered to surgically cut and stitch each wart and offered to graft his skin as much as possible to make up for the damage. He initially refused but his wife, frustrated with spending years in the house, threatened to leave him if he didn't.

He got the surgery and we had very graphic and disturbing scenes as Bailey maneuvered her way through his tree hands. "You're going to be doctors, caregivers. You need to be able to handle anything the human body throws at you." she lectured, before screaming like a "bitch baby" when a spider (!) emerged from the tree-like hands. To make things worse, there wasn't enough healthy skin left for a skin graft so he was going to look like Frankenstein for about six months to a year. His wife had had enough. "I think love isn't enough anymore," she said to Mark. "Is that possible? That two people can really love each other and it just isn't enough?" She left.

On a lighter note, another couple came in and the girl complained of breathing difficult which she thinks is cancer. She disclosed freely that she was a virgin and she was waiting for their wedding night, which is going to be special. We soon found out that there was a blockage in her lung which turned out be a condom. She explained to her boyfriend, tearfully and adorably, that she put a condom on a banana at her bachelorette party and accidentally inhaled it in the process. "I just wanted you to have a good time on our wedding night," she wailed.

This led to a hilarious discussion among our doctors of the time they lost their virginity. April (Is it just me or did she have a new hairstyle? She looks much prettier.) said her first time was on a beach, at sunset. Right. Seriously? Alex burst out, "HA! You're a virgin!" Ooo... someone got busted! But we all know that in this horny hospital, that cherry ain't gonna stay forever.

Grey's Anatomy recap: Don't flame out on me

2010-10-11T15:19:00.007+08:00

It didn't end there. Amy insisted on joining the surgery. Derek refused. She questioned him further on how he felt when he got shot. "I feel pain," he quipped, "Only because you won't stop talking." Oh snap! He told Cristina to book an OR 'cause she was scrubbing in. Cristina tried to worm her way out of it but Derek was having none of it. He was determined to help her regain her mojo. He posed some questions to Cristina about the surgery and all she could managed was "I don't know" and tried to push the surgery to Amy. Derek flatly refused and she walked out, presumably to book the OR.

Amy looked on, increasingly perplexed, and when Derek still refused to let her in, she said, "That's my patient. And you're going to let what's-her-face with the learning disability scrub in? Why don't you just shoot the guy?" Oh, crap. Big mistake. "Don't talk about shooting people in this building," he growled, "Don't criticise my surgeons."

Being the annoying person that she is, she then bounced up to Meredith and requested if she could put herself in Derek's surgery. But alas, her plan failed as Derek walked in on them. What impeccable timing! See? He knew you were up to something. He told her, "You think I'm going to let you do to him what you did to my Mustang? I don't think so." And she walked away, looking really pissed. And for the first time, I really felt sad for her. As much as I love to see her getting put down, maybe she was getting too much.

Meredith was all like "She's your sister" and "We all make mistakes" but Derek explained to her that she was high on pain pills when she crashed his car and she stole their mum's prescription pad to feed her addiction. She put their mum through so much pain after their dad died. Ok, so is he just angry with her? Or is there something else?

Predictably, Amy scrubbed in anyway and luckily she did, for Cristina broke down at a critical moment and she quickly took over and saved the guy. When the Shepherds were done, Cristina said the most un-Cristina line ever in the history of the chronicles of Grey's Anatomy. "So you're done, I can go?" she asked nonchalantly. Amy told Derek she was a dud and wondered how she ever passed her intern exam. "Cristina Yang saved my life. She saved my life. I owe her everything. Get out. Get the hell out!" he shot back.

Cristina paged Owen to the on-call room and asked him to tell Derek to back off. "Would you love me if I wasn't a surgeon?" she asked. "I would love you if you were a plumber," he said. "But would you love you if you weren't a surgeon?" She replied, "I don't know. Maybe."

Derek wasn't finished with Cristina. He was hell bent on helping her find her footing. He found her in the residents' lounge playing Solitaire and started his Derek speech. Apparently, he wouldn't pick her to be a part of his life. Professionally, yes but personally, no. But now they're family and he cares about her. "You're flaming out," he told her, "and as someone who cares about you, it's not okay." She explained that she could only remember bits of pieces of the surgery and it always comes back at very inconvenient times. So end of story. Really?

Apparently not. Derek took her to the morgue, I presume, and made her re-enact the surgery on a cadaver, step by step. She said it was stupid. He said it wasn't. "What's the worse that could happen? You'll kill him?" he joked. And she took her first cut.

Derek tried to make things right with his sister. Apparently, their tension go way back. Right to when their father was shot when they were kids. “How am I supposed to call you up and tell you I’ve been shot?” he said. “I can’t tell you about my pain. I don’t want you to know that pain exists.”

Grey's Anatomy recap: Soulmates, perky sister and not-so-perky brother

2010-10-11T01:01:00.008+08:00

"I'm not G.I. Jane! I'm Attachment Barbie!" Ok, that quote was pretty epic. Really. I think it's possibly the best quote from tonight's episode although said episode was jam-packed with a lot of awesome quotes. But we'll talk about that in a second.

Tonight's episode was very Grey's. It was filled with the drama, the medicine and the humor. And as an avid fan of the show, I'm glad to see that six years later, the show still manages to retain the essence of what made it an award winning TV series. Like EW.com's resident Grey's recapper, Jennifer Armstrong mentioned, the shooting last season only served to benefit the plot for the upcoming episodes. Let's face it: Grey's got kinda strange last season, but now it's back. And better.

So we started with Cristina bursting into Mer's room in the middle of the night 'cause Owen was on-call and she was afraid to be alone. Mer then asked her to bunk with her and Derek on the bed for the night. Cristina said it was kinda weird but Mer told her not to worry since he's asleep and Cristina gave in.

Ok, hold up a minute. I really am enjoying this sisterly/soulmates bond that Mer and Cristina have going on which has clearly strengthen in the wake of the shooting, but isn't that overkill? I'm all for it. Power to the bonds of women, I say. But in all seriousness, isn't bunking with your best friend and her husband really creepy? And yeah, kinda weird? Doesn't it just seem wrong on so many levels when you imagine it? Ok you twisted people, heads out of the gutter. That being said, thank god we know Derek isn't that kind of guy.

And as expected, Derek woke up in the middle of the night, found Cristina on the bed and went back to sleep feeling really awkward 'cause he accidentally touched her hand.

Clearly, Cristina wasn't herself this episode and we saw the writers tackle the aftermath of last week's crawling-under-the-surgical-table fiasco. The Chief, the attendings and Dr Perkins (the most gorgeous and hottest trauma counselor ever with the most perfect hair) gathered around the round table (no, seriously, it was a rectangular table) to discuss the fate of Cristina Yang. A few suggested that she be relegated to admin duties because apparently, she wasn't hardcore enough to take on surgeries yet.

But Derek put forth an ultimatum. "She goes," he said, "I go." Wow, what powerful words. He knew that Meredith wouldn't be happy if Cristina got kicked out of the program or if she was assigned to admin duties because God forbid, Yang should not touch a scalpel again. So after a flurry of opinions around the "round" table, Derek strode out of the room and proclaimed, "Dr Yang, you're with me."

Yes! Yes Derek! I will go with you. Take me anywhere. Yang doesn't want you but I do! Ok, I had no idea what that sudden outburst was. Moving on. Let's pause here for a second so I can talk about James Tupper a.k.a Dr Perkins.

Though he was an ass to both Meredith and Cristina, refusing to clear the former for surgery when she's obviously the one who's ready to go back and wanting to assign the latter to admin duties (For crying out loud, you wanna put Yang in the corner? Shame on you Perkins, shame on you), he's definitely the hottest trauma counselor I've ever seen. I would fake craziness just so I can spend a private hour or two with him and gaze into his blue, blue eyes. And did I mention his perfect hair? His perfect, perfect, perfect hair? Wouldn't you just want to run your fingers through it? To quote Armstrong again, Grey's guys have a look and he's the prototype.

In bounces Derek's sister, who's a neurosurgeon as well -the Shepherds grow them like weeds- , who requested to be pointed in the direction of his office though she didn't have an appointment. Deja vu much? To be honest, I cannot stand Derek's sister. She's called Amy or Amelia for the record, just to put it out to the universe. She's so perky, and sunshiny, annoying and spoilt. And Meredith likes her! Oh my, how much our titular character has grown. I remember how much she used to hate happy, sunshiny people.

Anyway, she came to visit Derek because in her words he's "an ass who got shot and won't return her calls". And she brought him a present! Ho ho ho! A brain tumor in the form of a gorgeous guy with a stunningly cute grin whom she met when they hooked up in the airplane bathroom. Damn it! Why do these people have all the luck???

So when Derek met Amy, it wasn't pretty. I'm actually loving bitchy Derek. I mean, it's so rare to see this other side to him, except when he first met Mark and Addison. He exposed her hookup, brushed her off and rejected to "have coffee and catch up" with her. "I have a lot of sisters. If I bought them all coffee, we wouldn't have anything," he told Mer. You go Derek! I love him even more now.

bright and shiny

2010-09-12T05:38:00.004+08:00

For some reason, since I started watching Grey's Anatomy, I've always been able to identify myself with the main character, Meredith Grey. I don't know if it's the daddy issues, or the mummy issues or the severe abandonment issues which is the reason why I've always felt such a strong link. Call me crazy, but somehow I feel a deep connection with that character.

Maybe because on some weird emotional level I feel like I understand what she's going through because I'm kinda going through the same things as her. Obviously the problems are not as serious but I do face similar problems, and it really drains me emotionally at times.

She described herself as "dark and twisty", "scary and damaged" and somehow I adopted those same terms for myself. Ok, maybe that's where I'm going crazy. She describes herself as such because she knows that her problems of the past have emotionally stunted her to a point where she's afraid of commitment. Afraid to love someone because she's afraid to want him.

Though I don't have the same emotional blockage as her, but I face my own issues as well. I'm socially awkward amongst new people. I keep quiet and try not to draw attention to myself because I'm afraid of being judged. Afraid of being mocked and marginalised. I'm a social retard. And when the proverbial ice is broken, I become a creepy, chatting freak. A strongly opinionated person who can't seem to shut up and probably offends everyone around me. I'm the weirdo at the back of my class who chews his pencils, or hair, or whatever.

And I have serious self-esteem issues, which is kind of my fault because it stems from physical causes, but my parents aren't making it any easier for me. My mum storms in at 3 in the morning just to tell me that I'm a bastard and a good for nothing. Hah! So much for a healthy family environment, eh?

Looking back at my problems, I realised they stem from my toxic family environment. And I'm scared that when I grow up, I might not grow up to be the person I envisioned myself to be. Looking at Meredith Grey, I realised that's who I might become. I know it's just a TV show but the psychological/emotional effects of an unhealthy family environment are very, very real.

I don't wanna be scared to fall in love. I want to embrace it. The romance, the passion and the drama. All of it. I'm a very romantic person and I believe in things like soulmates and true love. Lingering gazes across the corridors, secret rendezvous in the elevators, the brushing of fingertips as you walk past each other... those are some of the things that I know are very unrealistic, but yet still hope will happen to me. And if it really does, if I do find my happy ending, I don't wanna find myself unable to accept it because I'm scared to.

Yet, the solution to my problem is very simple. Really. All I need is that one change I've been working for for so long. It's not gonna be a walk in the park but I know that once I've managed to achieve it, I'll finally be able to walk out of the shadow of my past.

I have grown very attached to describing myself as a negative and pessimistic person. That I'm dark and twisty, scary and damaged. Though I wish I can find someone who will accept the darker side of me, and tell me that being dark and twisty isn't a flaw but a strength for it makes me who I am, I wanna try and be bright and shiny. I don't wanna be a moody, brooding person who hates happy, sunshiny people for the rest of my life. I wanna try and be one of those happy people because I know I deserve better. I know I'm better than this.

I sincerely hope I can change my life and turn it around. When that happens, I'll walk in proud and tall, announcing to my friends that today is the day that dark and twisty Bryan disappears forever and bright and shiny Bryan takes his place and life is good...

pick me. choose me. love me.

2010-09-10T00:11:00.002+08:00

I think Grey fans will forever remember those 6 words for the rest of their lives. I know I definitely would. I gasped and went "Oh my god" when I saw that scene. And it was just brilliant and touching. Imagine a girl, standing in front of a guy, telling him how much she loves him and asking him to choose her.

There was just this sense of vulnerability coming from Meredith. She put herself out there. She became emotionally invested in somebody. She knew she might face the cruel reality of rejection but yet she still did it. She was able to love somebody.

Those familiar with the show will be able to identify with what I've said. We know Meredith is dark and twisty, scary and damaged. She has abandonment issues and mummy issues and had to face the brunt of it when her relationship with Derek was found out. She knows, as well as we do, that she's so emotionally scarred that it's hard for her to let someone in. Hard for her to completely trust someone and love someone because she's scared to want him. And even after the wife thing with Derek, she finally realised how much she loves him and wants him that she was able to overcome her emotional difficulties, although not completely.

I know it's just a scripted TV show but sometimes, it just touches you and it's hard to deny that. Somehow, I can't imagine myself saying that but I think I will if I need to. I'm just that much of a sucker for romance. And I hope that one day, someone will say those same words to me.

"Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But Derek, I love you, in a really really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me." - Meredith Grey

Chestnuts 3D: Fried Monty aka Nightmare on Glee Street (Part 2)

2010-09-04T04:20:00.018+08:00

Gosh, this recap is taking forever and I apologise but there's no way I'm gonna squash the miracle of theatre, which is Chestnuts, into 1 bloody page. So suck it up and live with it.

A sketch that deserves mention would be "Can You Service?" which parodies Singapore's own "Can You Serve?" reality TV competition series, and even Denise Keller. Not gonna spoil the fun but this sketch teaches you that the customers are not always right and that it is alright to not make things easy for the customers.

Another prominent sketch in the first half was Pondan News Asia. I have obviously heard of this sketch before and it's always the sketch I look forward to. What can be more entertaining than 2 gay men bringing you the latest, hardest and horniest news in entertainment? The focus was on iPondan, the new product of Apple or rather the "sister" product to iPhone.

The hosts, Jonathan and Rodney, invited the "representative of Apple" to introduce the audience to the new apps which catered to the users, for example, an app which could identify the gays around you by a pink dot. Furthermore, the iPondan didn't have antennae issues like the iPhone 4, a problem that was easily resolved by the difference in the way gay men and straight men hold their phones. Genius!

Jonathan and Rodney were of course excited (no pun intended) and Rodney exclaimed about the large number of pink dots in a 50m radius. The funniest has to be, hands down, the app which could allow you to view the profiles of people around you provided they were logged in. They found certain interesting profiles such as "Cherry Boy", "The Expandables" and "Optimus Prime". The app then revealed that the spokesperson for Apple was not as geeky and innocent as we thought, further reiterated by Jonathan's cheeky comment, "iPondan? Not so far off!" I particularly enjoyed Rodney's portrayal of a gay man in this sketch for his performance was so real and I wish he had more lines.

The Ip Man 2 parody provided us with an interesting insight at the 5 classifications of ratings, namely G, PG, NC16, M18 and R21, after which, the audience were allowed an interval.

The second half of Chesnuts had more "meat" and contained parodies of Inception (which explained how Jonathan had the idea to become a playwright for comedy sketches), December Rains, Ris Low's sister, and Fried Rice Paradise which was parodied to the music of Lady Gaga.

I have to applaud firstly, Jonathan Lim for his wonderful simultaneous performance of "Home" and a song from December Rains titled "请你告诉他". He switched between the 2 songs every line and he must have switched probably, I don't know... 30 times? Also, without a doubt, he has to be given the highest accolade possible for script writing for his genius and creative script for Chestnuts.

And secondly, Judee Tan for her amazing and perfect imitation of Ris Low's sister, Ivory Low IQ. Her accent is spot on, including the awkward pauses and mispronounced syllables. I particularly enjoyed the way she said "knnccb". She taught us the YOG cheer performed by JJ Lam and even sang for us. Oh god, bless thy soul. That being said, that was easily one of the best (if not the best) sketch in the play and it thoroughly deserved a standing ovation. I was even lucky enough to have the honor of speaking to Judee in person to convey to her how astounding her performance was as Ris Low and Ivory Low.

Random note: I really like Rodney's accent. Somehow it doesn't sound false or forced when Singaporeans try to speak with an accent. I don't know, is it just me? But I would totally listen if he read the phonebook or did the reading of Gatz.

Overall, Chestnuts has delivered yet another impeccable performance. I know it's just my second year and who am I to judge or critique? But trust me when I say you have to catch this play next year and I really suggest that you be prepared because you will be laughing so hard at their punchlines, fantastic one-liners and sexual innuendos that you would wish you could literally roll up and down the carpeted aisle. I have even included a picture of this year's nutty cast just for your entertainment, just make sure you clean up after you're done.

From left: Rodney, Judee, Dwayne and Jonathan

Chestnuts 3D: Fried Monty aka Nightmare on Glee Street (Part 1)

2010-09-04T03:37:00.017+08:00

Woah, what a mouthful of words! But yet, those will be the words forever etched in my mind as I look back on the craziness and pure ingeniousness which is called, yes... Chestnuts 3D: Fried Monty aka Nightmare on Glee Street.

Before we start on this lengthy recap, let me just put it out to the universe that I'm not a fan of theatre or Broadway. I never ever go to plays and am one of those losers who do not know why The Bridge Project incites buzz from the theatre community. However, Chestnuts will and always be the one sketch that I will never miss and will actually see twice, like I did this year!

I was introduced to Chestnuts when I was 16/17, by my sister who has been an avid fan for many years. She used to regale me with hilarious stories from her experience and I, for lack of a better term to adequately express it, rolled on the floor laughing my ass off. Since living vicariously through my sister could crack me up, I could hardly wait to see the play in person. So it was with great anticipation when I was finally able to attend my virgin Chestnuts play last December, Chestnuts Does Christmas: Like a Hard Candy Virgin. Ahh... the irony of ironies. But that, sisters and sisters, is a story for another time and another day. Needless to say, it could all be summed up in one word: EPIC. I cashed the V-card with Chestnuts and I was so satisfied, bitches!

I was told that Chestnuts was usually a Christmas play, so it was with great surprise that I found out Chestnuts was doing their annual sketch in August this year and although there were some hiccups, I managed to obtain my tickets albeit later than last year. In the days leading to the play (August 30th), Chestnuts was all I could think about and I definitely wasn't in the mood to study for my exams in the coming week.

I went with a friend of mine who was very very interested after watching the Ris Low sketch from last year and she was excited about her virgin Chestnuts experience. I could totally relate to that. It was again held at Jubilee Hall in Raffles Hotel and the moment we stepped in, I could already feel the excitement building up. I have obviously read the raving reviews beforehand and needless to say, I was sure Chestnuts wouldn't disappoint me. Another thing I was excited about was Rodney Oliveiro. I knew he had participated in Chestnuts before but he didn't do Chestnuts Does Christmas and I wanted to see what he kind of an actor/performer he was.

Lady Gaga was playing on the speakers, a singer I'm sure many in the audience could identify with. As my dear friend, Miss Jay, once told me: Gaga is a lifestyle. Preach it, girlfriend! Finally, the seats began to fill and in the words of Ryan Seacrest: Dim the lights, here we go!

The cast for Chestnuts 3D are Jonathan Lim, Rodney Oliveiro, Judee Tan and Dwayne Lau.

It started, to my surprise, with the Glee sketch which was, as the title suggested, tied in with Nightmare on Elm Street. Rodney starred as Mr Krueger, the janitor who was wrongly accused of molesting a student when he was teaching her "jazz hands" and was Slushie-d to death by the parents when they heard he "jizzed on her hand". Hah! Leave it to Chestnuts to pull out the sexual innuendos less than 5 minutes into the play. Mr Krueger was then resurrected as the horrifying Freddy Krueger who swore revenge on the "annoying Glee kids".

Fans of Glee will enjoy this parody as they poke fun at Glee club singing with their high stools, Freddy's massacre and their comical way of dying. Kudos must really be given to Jonathan for portraying the character of Sue Sylvester in Sue's Corner. If Jonathan were a blonde, tracksuit wearing Causasian female and always angsty, he would inevitably be Sue Sylvester. Every word, down to the mannerisms and the arrogance, resembles thee original Sue Sylvester. And of course, where would Sue be without the famous catchphrase? And that's how Sue "Lees" it!

The audience became excited when Jonathan, dressed in a similar outfit to Kurt Hummel when he sang "Rose's Turn", appeared on stage. He stated (to the opening tune of Gaga's Alejandro) that he "can't keep up with this accent any longer" then proceeded to burst into tune of how he was asexual and he implored people to "don't call me(him) gay, don't call me gay, call me andro."

Special props have to be given to Dwayne Lau who did a magnificent impression of Figgins, right down to the accent and his obnoxiousness.

In the end, it took the combined efforts of, I can only assume, a pregnant Quinn (Judee Tan), Finn (Jonathan Lim) and Puck (Dwayne Lau) to talk Krueger down and convinced him that deep down, he wanted to be one of the Glee club. They then sang "We're all in Glee Together" and that drew the curtains on the first sketch of Chestnuts.

Disclaimer: Due to the lack of writing space and the fact that people are gonna go blind reading this on blogspot, I will not be going through all the sketches.

The Last Airbender - should stop if M.Night continues to handle the adaptation

2010-08-05T22:14:00.003+08:00

The highly anticipated movie by M.Night Shyamalan finally hit the screens in Singapore today. This movie generated a lot of hype even before it opened in the US on July 1st. To be honest, I was one of the few who waited anxiously for this movie even though I do not know half of the cast due to the fact that they're new or relatively unknown actors/actresses.

Anyway, it opened to mostly negative reviews and with full knowledge of the fact that it garnered 2 stars according to 8 Days, I went ahead to watch it today on its opening date. And after the movie, the only thing I could think of was "Thank God I could get a student price for the ticket and saved $3.50."

In a nutshell, the cartoon the movie is based on revolves around four nations, namely the Fire Nation, Water Tribe, Earth Kingdom and the already extinct Air Nomads. The Fire Lord then decided to gain total control and attacked the other three nations. And now it is up to the Avatar, the only person who can bend all four elements, to stop the Fire Lord's evil plans. And the movie, which has been planned to be a trilogy, will depict Aang (the Avatar as well as The Last Airbender in the movie title) on his journey to learn to bend the remaining three elements (Water, Earth and Fire) which ultimately culminates in his epic showdown against the Fire Lord. The first movie follows the first season of the cartoon which ends with Aang mastering Water bending.

The movie was really disappointing, especially if you are a fan of it's cartoon counterpart, Avatar: The Last Airbender. Instead of going on and on about the bad points of the movie, let us talk about the good points first. I mean, there are always 2 sides to everything right?

The good points were the music and the effects. The music was composed by James Newton Howard and after a quick research, was revealed to have received a couple of Emmy and Oscar nominations for his work on movies and television. He has collaborated with Hans Zimmer (another renowned composer) on The Dark Knight. Although his credentials pretty much speak for itself, I think I will still talk about it.

The music accurately captured the mood of the scene and really engaged the audience. I felt the nervousness and the trepidation of the characters and especially for the big epic fight scene at the end where I could really feel my heart pounding with anxiety and it made me wanna leap into the screen and bend some water to fight the evil Fire Nation.

For the special effects, well... what else can I say? The effects were done by Industrial Light and Magic, who all of you know did the effect was Star Wars. Apparently, the CGI and visual effects took 9 months to create which was why the movie was released this late although filming wrapped up almost a year ago. Also, in case you did not know, one of the trailers which was suppose to premier last Christmas was pushed to February because there were not enough effects. This shows how much time and effort was put into the creation of effects for this movie.

The special effects, especially for the four elements, was really mind blowing. There is something about seeing real people bending elements "for real" than watching it as a cartoon. It provides a sense of realism and it makes element bending look much cooler. You see streaks of fire as it weaves up and down, left and right; you see an Earthbender erecting a huge stone wall from the ground and you see the debris as it gets blasted apart by a fire ball; you see spheres of water floating in the air before being separated into tiny droplets; and you see huge gusts of wind as the last airbender literally kicks up a tornado. The special effects really made me wish I was a Waterbender so I could have a super cool power to control water to turn people into ice statues or drop icicles on unsuspecting enemies.

Now we move on to what broke the movie. I thought the story was poorly adapted and the scenes were not planned well. They tried to jampack around 20 episodes into a short 1 hour and 40 minutes film and it felt rushed. Some key scenes which were included were cut short and it left me really unsatisfied because if you want to film that scene, as a huge fan of the cartoon, I rather you do a full version of it than a summarised version. The epic battle scene at the Northern Water Tribe was also shortened and changed. The only familiar elements from the cartoon were Aang meditating at the sacred pond, Katara freezing Zuko in a block of ice, Zhao killing the Moon Spirit and Princess Yue sacrificing her life force to revive the Moon Spirit.

Regarding the story, certain scenes were not chronologically accurate. For example, in the last segment of the film where General Zhao attacks Zuko when his back was turned did not actually happen during that battle in the cartoon. It was actually during an Agni-Kai (term for a duel between Firebenders) after Zhao invited Zuko on his ship. And the ship scene was actually included in the movie! The script was not accurate as well, especially the key speeches by the dragon in the spirit world who constantly guides Aang. For example, when Aang consulted him on how to defeat the Firebenders, I do not think he asked Aang to use the ocean to attack them in the cartoon and I am very sure he told Aang about the importance of the Moon and Ocean Spirits (which was omitted in the movie).

Ok, I admit that I watched the series over a year ago but I have a vague impression of where scenes should be and what was said because I have watched the whole series at least twice. I also acknowledge that it is an adaptation so not everything has to follow the series but as a fan, I feel insulted that key scenes and speeches were cut and changed entirely just so they could keep in time. As an adaptation, it was really poorly planned and executed.

Rating: 2.5/5.0

It would be a good movie to catch if you have not watched the cartoon and it is actually one of the more interesting movies showing now, besides Inception. Music and effects really helped make this hot honeyed wreck of a movie bearable.

Grey's Anatomy Round Table: Season 6 Finale

2010-05-23T16:44:00.005+08:00

1. What was your favorite Grey's Anatomy quote from the episode?

Charles: I'm dying right? I'm dying now.

Bailey: Yes. Yes Charles, you're dying.

2. Was this the best episode of the year - and/or the whole series?

A hundred percent the best episode of this year and in my Top 3 list of the series.

3. Mr. Clark on the loose: Well-written and emotional, or contrived and manipulative?

I would say a little bit of both. It was emotional; we all knew where he was coming from. We all saw how things came to this stage. However I felt that wanting "eye for an eye" justice does not justify him killing a couple of people mercilessly. Like how he shot Reed because she didn't want to chaperone him to Derek or how he shot Charles because he said he was a surgeon. If he really wanted an eye for an eye, why involve the innocent? Also, I felt a bit angry when he said to Derek (while holding a gun) that he's "the man now". Because it seems to me like he's just a coward, a spoilt child. He couldn't have things his way so he needed to resort to violence and needed a gun so he could feel like a man.

4. What were the saddest and most uplifting moments of the finale?

The uplifting moment was when Callie and Arizona literally kissed and made up. I felt the finale as whole was an emotional rollercoaster with mostly depressing moments. I had to think hard before I found an uplifting moment.

The saddest definitely had to be when Bailey found out that the lifts weren't working, went hysterical before taking Charles into her arms and watch him die slowly. I cried during that scene and again when he died. I really felt how helpless Bailey was. It wasn't that she could do nothing; she was a surgeon, she had the skills. But yet there was nothing she could do but be with him as he took his last few breaths.

5. Which actor/actress' performance was most Emmy-worthy?

Definitely Michael O'Neill as guest star. Honestly, the whole episode worked because he pulled off a deranged shooter role so well. For the series regular, it's a toss up between Chandra Wilson as Bailey where she tried her hardest to save Charles's life but failed or Sandra Oh as Cristina when she was operating on Derek with Clark pointing the gun at her.

6. Will Meredith tell Derek about the baby?

I think she will. Meredith is no longer dark and twisty Meredith. Even Shonda said so. Meredith will definitely tell Derek about it; there's no reason to hide.

7. Does Lexie really love Alex?

I think she loves him but not it's not the "through life and death" kind of love. As both Meredith and Cristina said, her heart lives in her vagina and since her relationship with Alex has all the while been based on sex... go figure. Furthermore, they were in a crisis, she thought Alex was dying and wanted to do everything she could to save him. Hence, that's why I think she told Alex she loved him.

8. Do you like voiceovers?

I love them! It gives viewers a brief idea on the theme of the episode. Especially for Grey's, the quotes are very meaningful and wise. However, I would appreciate it if the voiceovers could be more be more general at times. Instead of being like "As a surgeon... Surgeons believe... In the OR...", you get the picture. It's a pain sometimes when trying to use quotes from Grey's because it's very centered around the medicine.

tony stark is here for your entertainment?? don't forget black widow!

2010-05-07T01:19:00.005+08:00

So I'm back at work. First day back after a 2 week break. And I was late. Seriously? If I could, I would want slap myself. Ok, logically I could, but you know what I mean. Come on, seriously? Seriously! Finally watched Iron Man 2 just now and I've heard raving reviews about it. TNP gave the show three out of five stars and I have no idea why. I distinctly remember Jeanmarie Tan saying something like they tried to pack too much good things and it backfired. I know the other guy mentioned something like Pepper Potts a.k.a Gwyneth Paltrow doesn't shut up.

True, I have to agree with the latter but I beg to differ with the former. No disrespect to Jeanmarie, I've spoken to her before and she is a really nice person who, I assume, is good at what she does. After all, she is kind of a household name if you read TNP regularly. Anyway, I do not think Iron Man 2 tried to pack too many good things into a two-hour movie. On the contrary, I think certain scenes could have been enhanced, especially the last fight scene with Whiplash where it ended, in my opinion, rather lamely. On the flip side, there are always gorgeous stars to gawk at.

Robert Downey Jr. comes back better than before, looking mighty fine in this sequel. His charming megawatt smile combined with his flashy ways are bound to leave the female fans in awe and spellbound. Oh, and did I mention the perfect hair? Gwyneth Paltrow returns to the cast, dazzling the audience with poise, wit and beauty. A new addition to the cast, Scarlett Johansson a.k.a Black Widow, wows the audience with her skin-tight suit which only serves to show off her stunning figure. Also, I can personally vouch that almost everyone was captivated by the slick fight moves towards the end of the movie where she effortlessly single-handedly defeats about a dozen enemies. At least I know I was.

Iron Man 2 is certainly a must catch blockbuster of the year. Honestly, we have been starving since the start of the year and finally someone hands us a cracker. I strongly urge everyone to catch it before the movie ends its run. It's filled with action, humor and good acting. There are literally explosions at every turn leaving even the most action-hungry fans satisfied to the point where you might start gripping your seats. Besides action, there is also good scriptwriting which brings out the individual personalities of the characters. Even if all of the above do not appeal to you, at least catch it for the A-list eye candies.

Rating: 4/5

the calm before the storm

2010-04-26T04:02:00.002+08:00

So earlier on I tweeted something about a change coming. How a life altering change is nearing and I can feel it. How I hope it would come faster. Well... I only have one thing to say. Two things, actually. Firstly, I was so wrong because the change I was expecting wasn't the change that came. Secondly, be careful what you wish for.

Something happened today. Something huge... something major... a life changing something. I can't talk about it here because it's not something I want to share with the entire world or anyone who has access to the Internet. But I need an outlet because now I'm nervous and my feelings are just all over the place. I don't think most people can help me with what I'm about to go through. I don't know how I'll be affected but I know it'll definitely be bad and it's going to be probably the most trying experience of my life.

I believe everything happens for a reason. And maybe there's a silver lining behind possibly the darkest cloud of my life. But I cannot imagine what good can come out of it because I know definitely for a fact, I'm not going to come out of this unscathed. It's going to affect me and I know it's not going to be good. With all these tribulations I'm going to face, how do you expect me to always look out for the freaking silver lining?

And seriously, it's not a minor issue I'm talking about here. It's really a major issue, one that has shaken us to our core. It's something that even I, for once, don't know how to handle, expect or face. I don't know what to expect, hell, I don't even know what's going to come. I don't know. And I don't know how to face something that's coming when I don't even know what's coming. And I think that's probably what scares me the most.

what becomes of the broken hearted

2010-04-01T19:13:00.007+08:00

I never thought I would be that emotionally invested in Idol. Honestly, I never thought I would. I've never been a real fan of Idol and it's the kind of show where I would watch if I happen to see it but I won't tune in week after week. And now... for the first time ever... I'm crying over it. I'm crying because everything is so cosmically wrong. I'm crying because everything's screwed up. And I'm crying because she's gone. Yes, I'm referring to Didi Benami.

I heard the news earlier this morning and I was in shock and very upset. Then a couple of hours passed and I thought I had reached an acceptance stage of what happened to her. I initially thought I would cry when I watched the results show but during the show, before her elimination, I had no surge of emotions yet. So I told myself, "Maybe I won't cry." But during her exit performance, I started to feel it. The rush of emotions which would activate my tear ducts. Then Simon delivered the verdict of doom and they were showing her exit package and the tears just flowed. And now it can't stop. At the end, oh crap, it's getting harder to write this...

At the end, she just broke down during her package and Siobhan and Crystal went for a hug before the whole group swarmed in. And my heart just broke. It just did. It's just so saddening for her and I felt it. Then the judges walked over to console her. I only have this to say to the judges, "Stop acting like you really feel sad. All of you are culpable for this."

For the first time in my history of watching Idol, I didn't scream at my TV screen. I didn't rage. I didn't have thoughts of taking a harpoon and stabbing people in the eye. I just stood up and walked to my room and cried. My heart sank into oblivion and it's going to take a while before I recover. Yes, I'm an emotionally fragile person and you know what? I'm proud of it. I'm proud of Didi for coming to the show and trying to carry on the torch for her friend. I'm proud that she didn't let the judges stereotype her into one genre. Now I wish Didi would tell me what becomes of the broken hearted......

If Didi could read this, this post is dedicated to you. I'm consoling myself by hoping that she would get picked up by a good record label. It's a long shot since she finished 10th but we all know she's not 10th position material. And I keep telling myself that I won't cry, but it's just difficult. I'm sorry.

I've emotionally disconnected from Idol and I swore I would not watch the rest of this season unless it's an interesting week or the finals where Kris will perform. And someday, maybe... hopefully... someday, Didi will come out with a chart topping album and come back to kick your asses.

an Idol sucks so bad now production

2010-04-01T01:26:00.003+08:00

So I've not been posting anything for around a month and I'm going to start now and a note of caution... it's going to be Idol crazy on my blog.

Since the first live Idol performance show (Top 24), all the rage and fury that I've felt haven't really been appeased much. There's so many aspects that I'm angry about.

The first is that the stubborn and obnoxious contestants keep picking songs performed by Idol alumni, especially Season 8 champ Kris Allen (who you know I love) and botching it. First came Tim Urban's "Apologize" then Jermaine Sellers's "What's Going On". I get that contestants do songs that previous contestants have covered but not when firstly, it was performed last season and secondly, it was performed by the IDOL WINNER.

Part of the justice was served when Jermaine got voted off but Tim still remains... up to now. And I'm just so angry about it. Like give Kris some respect. I mean TPTB already hates him (I'll talk about that in a moment) for christ's sake. Don't insult him further by doing a wrecked up cover of a song he had an Idol moment with.

The next thing I'm angry with is that the judges keep slamming Didi week after week after freaking week. Fine, I get that some weeks were not as strong as others but no matter how she did, Didi on a bad day did not deserve the slamming that you guys never fail to serve her every week. It seems like the producers have a script where they have a plan to kick out certain contestants at certain points in the competition with Crystal ultimately ending up as the winner (I'll talk about that later too) and they're using the judges to ruin it for Didi every chance they get. You tried to throw Kris under the bus last season and I'm not over it. So now I hope that Didi wins just so to prove them stupid people wrong.

Thirdly, stop pimping so hard for Crystal. I have a theory on why the producers are so hell bent on having Bowersox as the champ. It's because she's the only contestant who has been consistently performing on the show. But in retrospect, Crystal has never had an Idol moment. Andrew had it with 'Straight Up', Didi had it with 'Terrified' and to a certain extent, 'Rhiannon' and Siobhan had it with 'House of The Rising Sun'. If you want to compare, shouldn't these contestants be the ones who have a better shot at the crown? I mean at least they've shown what they can do but Crystal has not proven herself enough.

I'll put it out there that I HATE Crystal and it's not because of her. I like her personality, sometimes it's funny and she can, as Slezak puts it, tame Simon and not get burned. I blame it all on the judges especially that stupid Brit sitting at the end of the table and starting almost every sentence with "I genuinely, honestly believe with all my heart blah blah blah..." (Screw you, I don't want to know what else you have to say. TOOL.) He keeps pimping Crystal so hard (remember when he was giving advice to the contestants in general for Top 11 week and described Crystal as being in a "different league"?) and it's making me hate her.

Finally, the last thing I'm really really really angry about, is WHY THE HELL WON'T IDOL GIVE KRIS ANY RESPECT? HE HAS ALREADY WON FREAKING IDOL FOR F**K'S SAKE! SHOW HIM SOME RESPECT, YOU DUMB SHITS. The judges refuse to say anything nice about Kris or reference him in any way during their critiques even when they can (like when they were critiquing 'What's Going On' and when Simon told Aaron that he has seen 'Ain't No Sunshine' performed "brilliantly many times" when it was only covered by Kris and another contestant in SEASON 1) and I'm just so sick of TPTB working against Kris even almost a year after his deserving victory. Adam has already been referenced once or twice. To top it off, executive producer of Idol, Mr Ken Warwick, forgot Kris's name during an interview with E! Entertainment and his PR had to remind him and yet he called Kris "that guy". To Mr Warwick, I only have this to say "Screw you, and your stupid group of f**ked up producers. And FYI 'that guy' kicked your guys' asses."

P.S. TPTB = The Powers That Be a.k.a Idol Producers

first Idol results show with... KRIS ALLEN

2010-02-26T23:33:00.002+08:00

As February draws to a close, I'm going to make use of the last few days and spam my blog with Kris Allen related posts. I'm ready to get slapped but there's only 2 more days so I don't really care. At first I didn't want to live blog the results show because I want to kick back and scream at my TV (with rage in a completely ballistic manner) and scream at my TV (gushing and squealing with delight every single time the camera does loving close ups of Kris or the Haiti clip shows his gorgeous/hot AND adorkable hairstyle/look) while wishing (in the back of my mind) that I can go down to L.A. with a harpoon and stab FOX in the eye.

Ok, enough said. Here's the full transcript.

10.34pm: Ellen's a refreshing breath of fresh air on the judges panel. Just realised Kris's face appears 4 times in the opening credits!!!

10.35pm: Didi!! Benami!!

10.37pm: Ok, sweep the mediocre guys off the stage please and put Kris on.

10.41pm: Siobhan's nose ring (?) is very very distracting.

10.43pm: I don't get y they pit poor Janell against Katie. It's kinda obvious? I mean Katie in pimp spot 2 nights back? Hello!

10.45pm: And now, WTF??? I'm so angry I want to punch a puppy in the face. Others deserve to get kicked out more. Praying for wildcard...

10.46pm: SEE? SEE THAT WONDERFUL PERFORMANCE?? Thanks. You chose out of tune people than that awesome girl.

10.50pm: Yes Ryan. And u emphasise that Janell is gone by sitting in her spot. ALLISON!!

10.53pm: Paige "I-can't-sing-in-tune-to-save-my-life" Miles... wanna see talent? Look at that red haired girl.

10.56pm: WHAT? THAT OUT OF TUNE GIRL STAYS AND JANELL GOES??? This is crap.

10.57pm: See? Didi vs Ashley. Doesn't take a genius to figure this out.

11.00pm: LOL. Ashley... u sang out of tune on ur exit song. *applaude* Seriously...

11.05pm: No words can describe my extreme annoyance with Tyler "I-want-to-try-and-act-goofy-but-fail" Grady.

11.09pm: Not really interested in the guys because they're mediocre with the exception of Garcia. But seriously, what's-his-face is good.

11.10pm: As in the person singing now. The person voted off. Seriously. Everything is cosmically wrong in this episode.

11.11pm: YAY!!! KRIS IS COMING OUT SOON!! OMGOSH! I'm hyperventilating into the cushion. Someone fetch me my inhaler!!

11.14pm: OMG KRIS KRIS KRIS KRIS!!! OMG OMG OMG!! OH! MY! GOD!!!

11.16pm: I've been screaming Kris's name since he appeared. KRIS!!! KRIS!!! I'm screaming at my TV. KRIS!!

11.17pm: To the guys: Take a look at Kris because u'll never be as good as him. Soak in his pure awesomeness and overflowing talent.

11.17pm: OMG. HE LOOKS TOO CUTE!!! Kris's hair in Haiti rocks. Really makes him look good.

11.18pm: This is what I call THE American Idol. Suck on it guys. Because he puts ALL of u to shame.

11.19pm: Omg. I almost teared at that soulful and emotional performance of 'Let It Be'. And they ended the clip with his hot hairstyle!!!

11.20pm: I'm officially speechless. Every performance by Kris is astounding and perfection. I'm so proud. So happy. So touched.

11.21pm: Ok, I'll try to stop spamming Kris-tweets. Operative word being "try".

11.23pm: So Casey "Sexed-it-up-for-Kara" James and Jermaine "Threw-the-band-under-the-bus" Sellers are safe. Hmm...

11.26pm: Tyler Grady... BUH-BYE. Ur misstep has nothing to do with criticism. U're just unappealing and disgusting and annoying.

11.28pm: The judges should not use terms like "Best I've heard/Best so far/Best of the bunch" so loosely.

11.29pm: The only thing messing my mind now is your face. And your voice. And your retarded actions.

11.30pm: Fyi, it's not in a good way. Only one person can mess my mind in a good way. Felt obliged to put that as Idol ends...

top 24 week (girls) with kris allen (?)

2010-02-25T00:27:00.005+08:00

So now I'm all clean and hyped up, it's time to start the live blogging on Twitter. Yeah, I know... with only 140 characters it's going to be a pain, so time for me to bring out my dusty dictionary on short forms and acronyms and hit the TV. The full transcript will be posted here as well. Oh, the "?" beside Kris's name is because I don't know if he's on the episode I'm going to watch now or the next. News says it's the 25th results episode which is in 8.5 hours' time but Slezak blogged about him during his live blog along with comments made by a couple of viewers. Never mind, I'll just live blog both if it's tomorrow's episode.

Ok, just finished the 2 hour Idol episode. Here's the full transcript of my live blogging.

12.32am: Watching opening credits. Omg! Kris's face! Again! And again! Wow... Ryan looks good!

12.33am: Who's Paige? Didn't even see her at all. Maybe I wasn't watching closely. Bowersox is 2nd last, surprise much? Didi's 4th last....

12.35am: Hmm... Bowersox 2nd last... hmm... Yes, as much as I admit the girls are better but seriously? PRODUCER MANIPULATION!!!

12.37am: Randy is no longer first. Hopefully he manages to say something useful for the first time in 9 seasons.

12.37am: Ellen's vid is hilarious! That's so her. But I hope she doesn't turn it into The Ellen Show. Thanks FOX for bringing smth relevant.

12.39am: Haven't seen Paige before. Not a good sign.

12.42am: Fine, the last note I'll give it to u. But the opening was so flat. Omg! Notes were off. Let's see what the judges say.

12.42am: Simon, R U DEAF??? Best voice??? Ok, the song choice doesn't matter because she CANNOT SING.

12.43am: Kara, she "slayed" the verses, i.e. PHYSICALLY ABUSED. Omg Ellen! Don't fall into the producer's control!! she DIDN'T SOUND GREAT.

12.48am: Does Ashley look like Jordin Sparks? Or does she look like Jordin Sparks?

12.50am: Is there something wrong with the sound system on Idol or was she not hitting the low notes? Had to up my volume by volumes.

12.52am: Randy FINALLY makes a relevant comment! Cheers! Let's bring out the wine and celebrate!!!

12.57am: Janell, please please please give us a good performance. U're the first 3 so u might not be pimped but I'm wow-ed by ur House of The Rising Sun.

12.59am: Nice! Pants maybe a bit too tight? Hands were definitely shaking. HOTRS best still. She needs an Idol moment if she's in Top 12.

1.00am: Unfortunately, Simon's right. She underdelivered. Surprisingly, Kara's giving concrete advice and being way less annoying.

1.02am: Urgh. Lily still with the grey/white hair. Change it. For the love of God. At least Allison's hair rocked.

1.07am: Lily has very nice vocals. Her voice is rememberable. If there's such a word. Like the way she puts a bluesy spin on the song.

1.08am: Green dress not really matching, imo. Agree with Ellen totally. Simon, really? "Best so far"?

1.09am: No star power? That's what u said about Kris last season and guess what? He won. Do u want to eat ur words in ur last season Simon?

1.10am: Kara please. Stop it. Omg. THAT'S obnoxious. You honestly think you're Ellen?

1.16am: WHAT IS WITH THE OUTFIT KATELYN??? Looks like some skanky bar girl singing in a bar.

1.18am: Kate has a competent voice but definitely overshadowed by some of the stronger voices in the competition atm.

1.20am: But kudos for changing up the song though.

1.21am: Haeley, CUT DOWN on the freaking flowers. (pun intended) Nice arrangement but she sounds screechy on the higher notes?

1.23am: Technical a.k.a vocal abilites. And yes, I agree with Kara.

1.24am: She's not ready! Omg. FOX just give her a few years to practice and just chuck her in Top 12 when she comes back. She's not ready.

1.30am: I see Megan. Is something wrong if they're showing Megan but not Kris in one of their "flashbacks"???

1.32am: Poor Lacey. She sounded strained at times? But love the arrangement of the song and the sitting-on-stool thing.

1.34am: Yes. Sixpence None The Richer would work well for her. Nice eyes? Hmm... did Simon undergo a religious conversion?

1.42am: Does Michelle look like Leona Lewis? There's too many lookalikes!!!

1.43am: THANK YOU ELLEN. You said everything on my mind. But I would not describe the performance as "fantastic".

1.44am: Hah! Kara - commercial looking. Was wondering when you would show the "package artiste" side of you.

1.45am: DIDI! YES! TERRIFIED! YES YES YES!!!

1.45am: She looks like Ali Larter from Heroes? Ok, this is getting weird. Yes, America has seen enough of your tears.

1.46am: OMG! THE WAY I AM! Love that song.

1.47am: Aww... Didi... what happened? You have a great voice but it was pitchy and the slow tempo didn't really work in the middle.

1.49am: Simon, that WAS NOT indulgent. I repeat. WAS NOT. And I will remember it, bench!

1.50am: STOP HARPING ON STAR FACTOR/POWER!!! It doesn't mean you'll win if you have it. Apparently Kris didn't have it.

1.51am: Crap. Now Siobhan Magnus resembles someone as well. Ok, is my brain going haywire?

1.55am: Did Ryan pronounce it as Shiovan? Haha. What does it mean being a dark house? Look at Kris Allen.

1.58am: Undecided on Siobhan. Was she making some form of goo-goo eyes at the camera at the end? Not really into her but good vocals.

1.59am: Yes Simon. Blowing glass all day long makes you a dark person. Seriously. Seriously. Wth?

2.01am: Didi's performance is like a fresh grown flower amid a field of crap. So why is she being hit so hard by the judges?

2.02am: Sorry for the randomness. Didn't manage to type this thought out earlier.

2.06am: Wow... I finally get the hype over Crystal Bowersox. Love her artistry and her musical abilities. But not digging her vocals?

2.07am: She definitely delivered a solid performance but her voice is a bit deep? And Ellen, why couldn't u say the fresh comment for Didi?

2.08am: So Crystal is refreshing but not Didi? And Simon hit the nail on the head. Next year/week? Purely coincidental slip?

2.13am: Oh yah, Crystal needs to whiten her teeth first before anything.

2.15am: Didn't Adam perform this song last season and (can't believe I'm saying it) kicked ass?

2.17am: Ridiculous chops? "Couldn't hear yourself"? Ok, is this the blatant result of producer manipulation?

2.18am: I had no idea FOX was a fan of Katie. And why does Katie get a get-out-of-jail-free card? Kara - "Couldn't hear yourself".

2.21am: Just finished looking back on the quick reviews. Some suprised me but some didn't. Not a fan of some of the supposedly good pple.

2.21am: But one thing's for sure. If Katie's clip package features her grandmother again, that's it. 'Cause it's getting irritating now.

2.22am: Jermaine Sellers in the last spot? Eww... someone get Purifory back.

2.23am: Ok, that's it for my live blog. No Kris though. Thanks for bearing with me thru everything guys. Sorry abt the spamming.

So that's it for the live blogging on Twitter. Really sorry to my followers for the spamming. No Kris Allen, think he's on Friday's episode instead. Can't wait. And I thank you if you actually bothered to read until the end of the live blogging session.

an all about kris allen production

2010-02-24T02:50:00.004+08:00

Sorry guys, just less than 1 week more till this blog is less Kris-crazy. I know I'm mad... I think a lot of people out there want to slap me already. Hahahaha. But too bad... I told my friend that I've declared Feb 10th as "Kris Allen Day" and I've decided to dedicate the entire month of February on my blog to Kris, i.e. EVERY POST will be about him. I'm ready to get slapped by my friends soon but I don't care.

Anyway, just want to say that I'm still high over meeting him. And yes, I'm still crazy over him. I mean, have I ever stopped? Hahahaha! Whoever said the "highness" will go away was lying. Or maybe it's because you didn't meet THE AMERICAN IDOL. Stopping now... but before that, listen to this kick awesome song by him. I didn't know about it because it's a bonus track that's only available if you pre-order his soundtrack on iTunes but I happened to stumble upon it (yah right, as if I'll "happen" to "stumble" across something related to him, like the cute photos of him in Haiti *squeals*) and downloaded it. Problem is, I didn't really listen to it because I was too preoccupied with the other songs on his album because his songs are so good and I decided to listen to it today because I wanted to clear space on my desktop. And to no surprise, Kris delivers yet another outstanding performance that shows everyone why he is the American Idol and why he is deserving of the crown.

Heartless by Kris Allen

2010-02-12T02:06:00.008+08:00

As a tribute to Kris's wonderful rendition of Heartless, I decided to be the first to post up the lyrics to the concert version of the song. As I said earlier, he included lyrics from Coolio's "Gangsta's Paradise" in the song.

Kris Allen - Heartless

In the night I hear 'em talk
The coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road
He lost his soul......
To a woman so heartless
How could you be so heartless?
Oh, how could you be so...

How could you be so
Cold as the winter wind when it breeze yo
Just remember that you talking to me tho'
You need to watch the way you talking to me no
I mean after all the things that we been through
I mean after all the things we got into
And yo I know some things that you ain't told me
And yo I did some things but that's the old me

And now you wanna give me back
And you gon' show me
So you walk around like you don't me
You got a new friend
Well I got homies
But at the end it's still so lonely

In the night I hear 'em talk
The coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road
He lost his soul
To a woman so heartless
How could you be so heartless?
Oh, how could you be so......

How could you be so Dr. Evil
You're bringing out a side of me that I don't know
I decided we weren't gonna speak so why are we up 3 a.m. on the phone?
Why does she be so mad at me for?
Homey I don't know she's hot and cold
I won't stop; I won't mess my groove up
'Cause I already know how this thing goes

You run and tell you're friends that you're leavin' me,
They say that they don't see what you see in me
You wait a couple months then you gon' see,
You'll never find nobody better than me

Why are we, so blind to see
That the ones we hurt, are you and me

Been spending most our lives living in the Gangsta's Paradise
Been spending most our lives living in the Gangsta's Paradise
Keep spending most our lives living in the Gangsta's Paradise
Keep spending most our lives living in the Gangsta's......

In the night I hear 'em talk
The coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road
He lost his soul
To a woman so heartless
How could you be so heartless? Oh......

'Cause in the night I hear 'em talk
The coldest story ever told
Somewhere far and far and far, he lost his soul
To a woman so heartless...... Oh... (Been spending most our lives living in the Gangsta's......)

Why are we, so blind to see
How could you be so heartless......

Kris Allen Live@Zirca (part 3)

2010-02-12T01:38:00.008+08:00

There are also other stuff that I want to talk about but it's not really important because firstly, it's nothing to do with Kris and this post is about his kick awesome concert and secondly, I don't want this recap to last like 5 parts.

So finally he reached the "last song"... you know the "last song" which they say is the "last song" but you know they're most probably going to do an encore and in Kris's case, you know he's definitely going to do any encore. Care to guess what the last song was? It was Live Like We're Dying but I think you already knew that.

He told us to sing along with him but the crowd loved him so much, they responded with more than just singing. We were scream-singing the song with him. I have never screamed so loud in my entire life and even though I was screaming, I couldn't hear my voice above the cacophony of voices because like 40 other people were screaming as well.

After that song, they supposedly "ended the show" and the Zirca staff even made a show of "moving the instruments away" but in the end, they came out to perform Ain't No Sunshine and Come Together. During Come Together, he went into the crowd and one of the teeny boppers actually put her Shrek ears on Kris. Really? Are you freaking kidding me? Yes, I know it's her because I saw her wearing it during the concert. But seriously? Seriously? I'm so annoyed I'm falling back on two year-old Grey's Anatomy-isms. That's just so insulting. But I've already covered the issue of teeny boppers and how immature they are. And no, I'm not jealous of this because I find it so stupid. Midas should have never scrapped the age limit. Hope they learned their lesson.

After the concert, I thought he would leave for New York straight as he has a concert there on the 12th, so I cabbed down to the airport (cost me 18 bucks) and waited before realising that I was wrong. I went home feeling depressed and upset and was ready to cry into my pillow because I really wanted to meet him. Then my friend said people were tweeting that they saw him at a club in Clarke Quay and "kicked" my ass (verbally) and I cabbed back down to Clarke Quay from Tampines (cost him 20 bucks since he was paying). And thank god he forced me to go down, because that's where I managed to meet Kris. I saw him exiting the club and walking towards the bungee machine. So I quickly chased him and asked the bodyguard if I could get a photo. He told me to wait till Kris sat the ride, which I did, and I got a photo!!! Plus, I talked to him (like 3 sentences), got a handshake and asked him to autograph the concert ticket and the album. I'm still feeling high right now. So high.

Kris Allen Live@Zirca (part 2)

2010-02-12T01:23:00.007+08:00

Then he performed the other songs from his album as well songs that he did on Idol. The crowd was really really high and we were singing along with him. Of course, there was the non-stop flash coming from the cameras and the continuous snapping of photos.

Kris is an awesome person. He's every bit as perfect in real life compared to his photos and he's every bit as nice and spontaneous as what critics and his fans say. He read the signs made by his fans, allowed teenage girls to paste Post-It on his guitar which had a heart shape, followed by "U" and even wore a red boa scarf that someone gave him. He even said, "When in Singapore..." before giving a chuckle and going on to perform his next song.

Another memorable performance was Alright With Me. In the middle of the performance, he invited 4 teenage girls up on stage. Ok, in all fairness, yes, I agree that Kris is hot and that partly I went to the concert because I also wanted to gawk at him. But hello? I'm also a fan of his singing and I appreciate his artistry. But those teeny boppers went just to only gawk at his hotness, which is really really insulting considering everyone else were all fans of his singing as well. And how do I know that? Because we actually know what songs he's going to sing based on his "clues" and we actually know the lyrics to Alright With Me.

All the girls had to do was go "Yea yea yea yea... yea yea yea yea..." but they couldn't even manage that and Kris had to ask them at least twice if they could sing. And when they let out one loud screech of "YEA!!!", a perplexed look flashed across Kris's face for like a split second before he sang one line to demonstrate. After that, they managed to get the words right but everything was out of tune and out of time because they were too busy manhandling him and focusing on everything else except what he said, or sang rather. Yes, I was jealous... I was like "How dare you???" but I also felt insulted that people like that were there and taking up good spots while genuine fans like me had to squeeze behind a bitch and an ass.

To top it off, there was this part of the song which went "Knocking on your door... Falling on your floor..." and when Kris hit the high note on that, he literally sank to his knees on stage in front of the teeny boppers. I could have taken a harpoon and stabbed those teeny boppers in the eye because they SO DO NOT deserve that. Needless to say, the crowd went REALLY REALLY HIGH after that.

Kris Allen Live@Zirca (part 1)

2010-02-12T01:10:00.007+08:00

Oh my god. Oh my god. Those were the words I could say after I finished watching Kris Allen's first live concert in Singapore. I waited and waited and waited for 9 freaking long and painful months for him to come to Singapore. And glad to say, he didn't disappoint his fans one little bit. In fact, watching him perform, I felt really proud and happy that I supported him during Idol. Yes, plus the fact that's he's cute and hot. I admit, his looks were the first thing that attracted me to him, but then again, who isn't superficial?

He started off the set with Heartless (which I will talk about in a moment), followed by Can't Stay Away, Written All Over My Face, Before We Come Undone, The Truth, Man in The Mirror, Is It Over, Red Guitar, Falling Slowly/Without You, Alright With Me, Live Like We're Dying, Ain't No Sunshine and finally, Come Together.

All his songs were executed to perfection but the one that stood out (at least for me) is/was Heartless. As you know, no one should ever ever do Heartless on any Idol, especially on American Idol. It's Kris's signature song and it should enter itself into the music protection program to prevent people from physically abusing it. Anyway, we all know Kris puts different spins on Heartless. First was the acoustic version on Top 3 week on Idol, then the studio version and finally the album version.

But the rendition of Heartless that he performed during the concert was in fact, the BEST rendition ever, among all the artistes that have performed it (mainly Kanye West and The Fray) and among the various renditions of Heartless that Kris have performed. It's kind of like the acoustic version with the addition of his own band but it doesn't sound very boyband-ish. To top it off, he even put his own spin on it by replacing one entire verse with another verse from Coolio's "Gangsta's Paradise" making it more catchy and it is truly the epitome of perfection. I added the video as well for your viewing pleasure.

he's just an imbecile

2010-01-25T18:16:00.005+08:00

Yesterday we celebrated Rachel's birthday and I'm really happy for her that it turned out so well. She really deserved a break. Poor girl. Kudos to Jeanette and company for the good planning and organising. It was the first planned birthday party I've ever been to and it feels good. Then there was that awkward moment. I don't know what to make of it. I mean, it wasn't yours to share? Ok, never mind. It's over. So over.

Anyway, I'm in my stuffy room. It's so freaking warm, and I don't feel like going out now. Even though the group project is completed, with all the remaining assignments, the whole cycle starts again. Since I got an F for my project, I kind of gave up hope. Seriously. I just really cannot be bothered anymore. I worked my ass off and I get an F which I totally didn't deserve. I tell people that I'm over it. And I mean it. But if that's the case, then why am I tearing up? I know I have a right to be upset but it's been 4 days since it happened. So am I supposed to have gotten over it? Is harping on it after 4 days considered obsessive? For situations like this, what is the limit and when do we draw the line?

But it seems that every time I see him, it just opens up the can of worms. The can I thought I had closed the lid on tightly and even put in screws as a form of safety measure. And I every time I see him, I really really really want to punch his ass face. I do. So badly it's killing me. I just want something really really awful to happen to him. Does that make me evil? I don't know. He deserves it. How can he screw up everyone's life and walk around like nothing happened? Is he retarded? Does he not know that he's making life difficult for not just me but probably everyone who's ever had the misfortune to meet him? Or is he just a dumb f***ing stupid piece of f***ing dumb moron? I apologise. I usually don't swear but I'm just boiling with so much rage right now that I could kill a puppy.

I really have no idea. What I want most right now is to pick him up, in all his sick and twisted glory, and throw him on the road into oncoming traffic. Then I want a truck to run him over, reverse over his body and run him over again. After this semester is over, I never ever want to have anything to do with him ever. I don't want to see him. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to be near him because god forbid, the next time I see him, I don't know if I can control myself.

exhale of the semester

2010-01-20T00:10:00.003+08:00

So here we are... about 3 or 4 weeks before the end of a semester and the start of a well-deserved 2 month holiday. I feel like after a very tedious and rushing 5 months, I'm at the exhale of the semester. And I'm sort of nervous and apprehensive as I approach my 2nd year. I know... it's 3 freaking months away. But I keep hearing stories about how the second year is so packed and busy and even the teachers don't deny it. And I keep wondering, how the hell am I supposed to juggle my school life with my work life and my personal life?

Just in this semester itself, I feel like I've been sacrificing my personal life. Honestly, just recently I watched New Moon. Seriously? Seriously? I'm so annoyed and pissed that I'm falling back on two-year-old Grey's Anatomy-isms. I'm watching that movie like a month after it's release date? And not counting that movie, the last movie I watched was The Ugly Truth which was like 3 months ago. I'm so angry I can kill a puppy.

In addition, we are going to be assigned different classes for next semester. And this is my take on this. What THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE THINKING? Is there really a FREAKING need for it? Come on, we just got comfy and cosy after 1 year... we have our own cliques... why the f*** do you want to come and separate everyone? Maybe I'm just speaking for myself because I find the whole thing just so ridiculous. I don't know... some people may be looking forward to it. I certainly am not. I keep thinking about how I'm going to cope with a new class when I know I'm not going to click with most of them. I think I'm just going to find people from my previous class and stick to them like a leech. That's what everyone will do anyway, from what I was told.

You know what? I'm just going to cross that bridge when I come to it. For now, I'm just going to go and enjoy my freaking self and salvage what's left of my pathetic personal life.

out of the blue

2010-01-14T21:59:00.003+08:00

Talk about a rude shock or rude awakening. Whatever. I'm too psyched to even bother which phrase it is. OH.MY.GOD. FOX just used Kris Allen's song "Before We Come Undone" on the latest episode of American Idol Season 9. Something I never thought would happen since The Powers That Be (a.k.a FOX) weren't big fans of Kris. Oh god... I'm still so excited and worked up. I'm watching the broadcast on Channel 5 later just for that segment.

I was eating my dinner when suddenly I heard the beginning beats and I only had milliseconds to go "WTF?" before they launched into the chorus of the song. If someone were to walk past my house, they would have probably thought that a room full of guys were watching a football match and were screaming when a goal was scored. Oh my god... I'm still in a frenzy!

12 Days of Ris-Mas

2010-01-11T23:19:00.004+08:00

In tribute to the triple boomz Ris Low sketch from last year's Chestnuts play, I decided to make this post. The name of the play was called Chestnuts Does Christmas: Like A Hard Candy Virgin. And yes, get rid of the raised eyebrows and skeptical looks, they are referring to Madonna. The song is called 12 Days of (Ch)Ris-Mas and it goes like this.

On the 12th day of Ris-Mas, my true love gave to me:

12 months probation
11 day safari
10 ads from sponsorers
9 Engwish lessons
8 khaki jins (jeans)
7 credit cards from
6 different people
5 (MY FAVOURITE!) LEOPARD PREENS!!!
4-giveness
3-piece bigini
2 polar disorder
and a... diploma in hospwitallity

i think you're hot

2010-01-11T22:27:00.003+08:00

I just realised that I'm probably one of the few people who didn't blog about the new year or have said anything remotely resembling "Happy New Year". I'm working on my group project now and I feel stressed because I have no idea what to do. I'm so freaking tired of my school's schedule for assignments. Frankly, I'm highly annoyed and so sick of it.

I then decided that maybe blogging might help me de-stress, seeing as I've never blogged in ages. I seem to have a bit of a writer's block since Grey's Anatomy went on hiatus and that's bad. Can it be that my only inspiration for writing only comes from Grey's Anatomy? Anyway, just recently, I discovered something peculiar. Ok, it has been nagging me for ages but I found it more significant of late.

Why is it, that Girl A can envy Girl B and say that Girl B is hot without people thinking Girl A is gay but it is the complete opposite for guys? Seriously. Why are people stifling each others' opinion in a free world? Can't we openly express our thoughts any more? Why must we be subjected to ridicule for something we may or may not be based on a simple opinion? In a world where we constantly fight for equality between everything, including gender, why is it that people unconsciously oppose the very thing they all want so badly over the years? I tried talking it out with my friends, tried thinking over it by myself and I finally came to a conclusion. That people... are fucking retarded.

Time to go back to reality. I still have group projects hanging over my head without being bogged down by a question that I will never find the answer to. If you have time to spare, check out the video.

(500) days of summer

2009-12-23T21:48:00.007+08:00

Ok, seriously, if it were up to me, I would stay in Osaka and never come back. A holiday really takes your mind off things. Makes you forget your troubles. I went away for 1 week and I forgot I had lot of things to do. Mostly school work and my part time work. I hate school. Really.

Anyway, my trip was really fun. My most favourite part of the trip was to Nara. It's really beautiful there and there are DEERS! I'm not joking. They just walk around the whole place. Like literally. So you could be walking down the street and a deer would be just right beside you. That's really cool. And the deers are so beautiful and cute. I wanted to bring one home as a pet. Too bad my HDB flat can't fit one. The aquarium there is really good as well. I think it's better than Singapore's. (Bracing for hate mail, 3... 2... 1... inbox full.) It's built like a spiral so you go round and round all the way to the bottom. They get marine life from the Ring of Fire and classify them according to the regions. OH, and the Japanese are REALLY REALLY polite. I think they're so much more refined and cultured than Singaporeans. (Hate mail. Again.)

Ok, but that's not the main part of the post. I know, I'm weird. I rather blog about some random stuff than the trip which is what most people want to hear about. I was watching "(500) Days of Summer" on the plane during the trip back to Singapore and I really love it. I felt like I could relate to it in a lot of ways. Ok, obviously not the relationship part because I have no one but the fact that the male lead, Tom Hanson (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) believed in the things like Fate, Destiny and soul mates.

I'm that kind of person. I believe in fairy tales-ish things like that. He met someone... someone that he thought was the one. In the end, the poor bloke got his heart trampled on and he was so distraught and crestfallen. I particularly liked the end where he was telling her that he doesn't believe in the fate/destiny/soul mates thing anymore and she told him that actually, he was right. That Fate does exist. Because she was looking at a painting at a deli and this person comes up to ask her about it and he became her husband. And she said something like "What if I went to another place for lunch? What if I had reached 10 minutes later?" And that he was right about it, but just not about her. At the end of the show, he found that someone when he went for a job interview. It was really heartwarming and touching...

At first, I was thinking "Crap, this show is spoiling my beliefs." Which I won't blame them for because I can't deny it's a very simplistic and fantasy point of view. Reality is much harsher. I thought that was what they were trying to tell. But the twist at the end really got me by surprise and it was really good. I still hope that one day, my happily ever after will come. If anything, this show strengthens my beliefs. Yes, I'm a person that can be easily persuaded by fictatious shows and cartoons where the princess wakes up after her prince in shining armor kisses her and he takes her on his horse and sets off for the castle, striding into the sunset.

losing my mind

2009-12-15T00:42:00.003+08:00

I don't know why now, of all times, for it to happen. I was just surfing Facebook and looking at some stuff. And suddenly, I feel sad. And depressed. And I also feel nervous, stressed, happy, blah dee blah blah blah. I'm like on this roller coaster ride of emotions. I'm such a silly, emotional person. Maybe it's Facebook. It does things to people.

I don't know if it's because of my "many crappy issues" or the fact that I'm a self-hating guy. Seriously. I was asked today if I really hate myself and I said "I'm a self-hating person". And if even I don't like myself, how can others like me? Right? Retarded.

I'm rambling. I have no idea why. I have so much thoughts in my head, and my heart's bursting with emotions right now. But I can't put any of those into words. Why? I have no idea. It seems these few days, my answer to everything is always "I have no idea". Why? No idea. See? Told you. Stupid crappy laptop keyboard is spoiling I think. Crap. Crap crap crap.

I feel like crying right now. If you shove me in front of a TV with Grey's Anatomy on now, I'll cry my eyes out. I swear. I have no idea why I feel this way. As I said, I'm a silly, emotional person. So in conclusion, I'm a silly, emotional, self-hating person with many many severe crappy issues. Don't be me. It sucks to be me. You'll probably die in your sleep; suffocated by your heavy emotional baggage. It's a wonder I'm still alive.

alright with me

2009-12-13T23:47:00.002+08:00

I know I've never posted anything new up. Not like anyone reads my blog anyway. Anyway, besides the fact that I'm missing Grey's Anatomy and that I'm so freaking exhausted, nothing's different.

Oh, anyone who hasn't watched Idolatry should go watch it. I know it's a little late but there's always next year. Haha! Got a new song uploaded. It's "Alright With Me" by Kris Allen. It's really catchy and nice and awesome and fan-freaking-tastic and whatever... you get the point.

if only

2009-12-02T01:29:00.002+08:00

Someone would tell me, "You say you're all dark and twisty. It's not a flaw. It's a strength. It makes you who you are."

like i said

2009-11-21T18:21:00.000+08:00

The past always comes back to bite you in the ass.

these ties that bind

2009-11-19T01:04:00.002+08:00

I'm so freaking tired. And I can't go to sleep yet because I have tons of things to do. So why am I writing a blog post now? I have no idea. It's just that on the way home, I reflected on some things and felt that I should write it down.

Today was a very very long day. I mean it was from 8 in the morning till now. Seriously. I had work in the morning till 5.45pm. My back was aching like mad from sitting in the seat the whole day. I'm still feeling it now, though not so much as before. Then I went down to Sherraine's birthday party with Jerrome and Xue Yan. Ok, seriously guys, if you happen to read this, STOP MAKING FUN OF MY KNIGHT IN SHINING WHATEVER. It may be just some fantasy or a fairytale to you, but I do believe in it. So stop. Please.

Anyway, the party started off quite late 'cause the freaking charcoal refused to light up. Finally got the fire started after like 30 minutes, I think. Then I played a bit of Left for Dead 2 on Jerrome's laptop. Then basically we just barbecued food, lots and lots of it. Pork chops, chicken wings, some weird stick thingy with sausage and tomatoes and there was even stingray. Didn't really eat much of the BBQ food because I ate more of the cooked food so I was kind of full.

Later on, we played Sherraine's version of bridge which is so different. Brenda won and Jonathan lost. Which basically meant that he had to do a forfeit. Poor bloke. They actually wanted him to do a pole dance with the lamp post. But later we just had him do a dance around the tree. Oh god, it was really funny. He was kind of embarrassed though. I mean, can you blame him? But we were nice. We decided to keep the video private and not open it to public.

I really had so much fun just now and for once, probably one of the few instances in my life, I felt genuinely happy. And on the way back, I started to question myself. Could I be wrong? Maybe I am? Maybe everything's fine and will be fine? I mean, we're fine people. We do fine. I don't know. But this gathering surely proved one thing. That maybe... just maybe... everything's not as bleak as I thought it would be. For me at least. Maybe people like me deserve a second chance. That we actually can have a normal, happy life.

Every dark cloud has a silver lining. At least that's what the philosophers and the poets say. I could never actually see it though. But now, I can see it. It's faint... flickering... like it might disappear any second. But I can definitely see it. Defnitely.

new history

2009-11-15T02:52:00.006+08:00

Doctors live in a world of constant progress. And forward motion. Stand still for a second, and you'll be left behind. But as hard as we try to move forward, as tempting as it is to never look back, the past always comes back to bite us in the ass. And as history shows us again, and again, those who forget the past, are doomed to repeat it.

For me, the past is something that I never want to experience again. I'm desperately wishing for it to go away. Wishing that it'll never come back to haunt me. I'm sure everyone, at some point in their lives, wish for the same thing. I've been trying to escape my past for god knows how long and finally, now, when everything is smooth sailing, it's back with a vengeance. And it's worse. Especially when you're aware you're repeating it again.

I'm just so confused. I don't know what to do. On the surface, everything seems fine. No troubles, no problems, no worries. Maybe it's really true, but maybe, beneath the surface, something bad this way comes. And I have no idea how to prepare myself for it. I feel horrible now. I got snapped at during work today for no reason. I tried my best. I freaking tried my best. But the guy was being a jackass. What was I supposed to do? Why are you snapping at me?

I feel horrible. Not only about the snapping, but everything else. For a moment, seriously, I was afraid to ask questions. I know I need to stop relying so much on others. I've been at work for what, 2 to 3 weeks? I need to stand on my own two feet. But there's just so many scenarios and so many questions. I can't possibly prepare for them all. And I'm afraid to give the wrong information because, like I said, the past will come back to bite you in the ass. Hard.

For the first time during my work, I wanted to leave so bad. I wanted to talk to someone. No, I needed to talk to someone. My person. Sometimes I feel bad for him. Whenever something crappy happens in my crappy life, he's the first person I call. And he'll listen to me bitch about the McCrap in my sad and pathetic life, albeit not so willing at times. I call him at least every 2 days to talk. And he still listens, despite his own crap that he has to deal with.

Sometimes, I feel like freaking Bambi. Seriously, when my knight in shining whatever appears, the first thing I'll do is to kick his ass from here to Saturday. Then I'll yell at him, "I'm all alone in the forest. All alone in the forest. And my mother's just been shot. And where are you? Where the hell are you?" Seriously, where the hell was he when I needed him the most?

Sometimes, the past is something you just can't let go of. And sometimes, the past is something we'll do anything to forget. And sometimes we learn something new about the past, that changes everything we know... about the present.

out of the dark

2009-11-12T01:14:00.003+08:00

I'm burned out and wasted
I'm tired of pacing
I'm busy erasing voices of the dead
Everything changes
And everyone's faceless
I wanna replace this darkness in my head

In a strange strange place, I'm lying on the edge of a star
In these violent days, I only wanna be where you are
Even fools they say... can find a way out of the dark
Of the dark
Help me out of the dark

Have I been a sinner?
A lover, a killer?
'Cause the world I've discovered
It feels nothing like my home
I wanna escape it
Or try to embrace it?
I keep re-arranging everything I know

In a strange strange place, I'm lying on the edge of a star
In these violent days, I only wanna be where you are
Even fools they say... can find a way out of the dark
Of the dark
Help me out of the dark

In a strange strange place, I'm lying on the edge of a star
In these violent days, I only wanna be where you are
Even fools they say... can find a way out of the dark
Of the dark
Help me out of the dark
Oh... Of the dark
Help me out of the dark

drowning on dry land

2009-11-11T01:32:00.008+08:00

I've finally realised what I was doing wrong. I was looking for a person. My person. Someone whom I can trust. Like if I murdered someone, that's the person I'd call to help me drag the corpse across the living room floor. Someone who would be the first person I would want to tell stuff to because probably, telling them makes it real. And I was looking in the wrong place.

There's no one I can really trust. It's true. Maybe I'm overthinking it, but it's not exactly unfounded. Can you really blame me for being paranoid? I thought things would be different. That even though I'm this dark, depressing and pessimistic person, there would still be hope. A tiny, tiny ray of light. And yet, it gets snuffed out. Just like that. I thought that the days where I was alone would be gone. Finally. Forever. It would become a thing of the past. But now, it seems that things hasn't really changed. And going through that again? Especially when you're older? It really hurts. And it's much worse.

I should stop wearing my freaking heart on my freaking sleeve. 'Cause in the end, I'm the fool. I'm the one who gets emotionally invested. I'm the only one who puts myself out there. And for what? Nothing. In the end, I'm the one who gets hurt. It's a wonder I still trust people. Even after all the crap. I have no idea what is real and what is fake. I don't know if it's a facade. I have no idea if everything was just a coincidence.

I have no idea. And I'm struggling. Deep down, I'm struggling. Because I have no idea. And what I think might be the truth really scares me. And if it were really the truth, I don't know if I have the courage to face it and come back the same. I've gone through it too many times. And this time, things were really looking promising. I'm afraid to ask for the truth because I'm scared my worst fears will come true. And if it doesn't, things might become awkward. So here I am, still thinking about it because I still have no idea. And the thought... the thought of having no one and being alone... it really scares me.

Seriously, where's my knight in shining whatever?

invasion

2009-10-20T02:13:00.009+08:00

So on the latest episode of Grey's Anatomy, we saw the Mercy West people a.k.a Mercy Westers invade Seattle Grace and leeched surgeries off our old favourites. I know many people hated the episode, some said they have half a mind to watch C.S.I. instead, but we all know it's because suddenly, Seattle Grace is no longer home to just Meredith and company. All of a sudden, people we love to hate in orange scrubs are wandering the halls, eating at the same cafeteria and snatching surgeries left right center.

As with many Grey fans out there, the moment I saw them, I was like "Go. Away. God, make them go away. I don't want to see them. Ever. Get them out of here." Not to mention that there's no one to like in the new residents from Mercy West. Yes, you know who I'm talking about. The bitch, the jackass, the girl who acts inferior and the show off. No, really, their names are Reed, Charles, April and Jackson respectively. Not that I'll use their names anyway, I prefer their nicknames. It suits them to a T.

It starts with Meredith being all motherly and supportive. Boosting the morale of the residents when they were congregated in her room. The whole speech quoted from the Sigourney Weaver movie and especially the last part where she goes "We will hold this hospital with our last, gasping breath."

So our own Seattle Grace residents decide to give it a shot. Just when they were gaining the upper hand, things start to go cosmically wrong. Cristina loses her surgery to the show off because she was having lunch. Lexie gets back at the girl who acts inferior but she didn't feel good. Izzie gets backstabbed by the jackass, hence the nickname, and ends up giving the wrong treatment which gets her fired at the end.

At the end of the day, we see our favourite residents battered, worn out and deep down exhausted by the day's battles. Which they all lost. The scene where Cristina just runs into Meredith's room and sobbed uncontrollably, lamenting that "nothing is happening to her" and that she "miss Burke" because of the surgeries and that she "don't know what I'm (she's) doing" was so powerful. It's the only time we see Cristina break down besides the time she was left at the altar and we feel how desperate and helpless she feels.

That being said, there were many powerful scenes in this episode. Another of which was when Callie yelled to her dad "You can't pray away the gay!". An epic one liner which I'm sure will be remembered for many seasons to come. This led to another memorable scene where Callie tried to settle it peacefully with her dad which cumulated in a heated argument where he started quoting passages from the Bible about how she has sinned and she shot back with passages that taught followers of the Christ not to judge and that "Jesus would be ashamed of you for judging me, he would be ashamed of you for turning your back on me".

There were many other memorable scenes, but the last one I want to bring up is the monologue by Arizona when she was "conversing" with Callie's dad a.k.a ~~stubborn old bastard~~ Mr. Torres about how she was named after a battleship and that she was raised to be a "good man in the storm" and how even though she was a lesbian, she was still the person her dad raised her to be. And the same applies to Callie; that though she suddenly changed her preference after 30 years of dating and loving men, she's still the person ~~stubborn old bastard~~ Mr. Torres raised her to be.

And the last scene? When Izzie was fired and tearfully begged the Chief not to do so as she had nothing left and when it didn't work, she left Alex a "Dear John" letter and he came to Meredith very shocked and in disbelief and he just managed the words "Izzie left me. She wrote a note, and she left me. I... I don't know if she's coming back."? When I saw that scene, I hated our orange invaders even more. Seriously, just leave and never darken Seattle Grace's doorstep again. Ever. I just hope that in the coming episodes, the orange people get their karma and our favourite residents will kick their sorry asses and come back with a bang.

painful but true

2009-10-11T23:51:00.003+08:00

"I didn't want to do this. I didn't want to have to come to you for anything. Ever. So I thought if, I looked up your blood type, and it was the wrong one, then that would be it. Then I could just stop thinking about it. But I can't. Because you have his blood. And I know that he's not your dad. I know that he was never there for you. And I would never ask you to give him anything, he doesn't deserve a thing from you. He doesn't. But he's... he's gonna die, Meredith. And so, I'm asking you to give something to me. I'm asking... I'm asking you to give me my dad. Because as crappy as he was to you, he was wonderful to me.

He never missed a single dance recital. He was there at my 5th grade graduation, and what is that? That's not even real. I know he's not your dad. I know that. But somehow, you have his blood. And I don't. So I'm asking you... give me my dad."

This was what Lexie Grey said to Meredith Grey when she was pleading with her to donate her liver so their dad could live. Meredith was facing a tough decision because their dad never treated her like his daughter. He never fought hard enough for her and destroyed her life when he blamed her for her stepmom's death. In addition, he was the reason his liver was shot because he was once an alcoholic.

That scene of Grey's Anatomy was truly a heart wrenching scene and in my honest opinion, one of the best scenes so far in the show. In a short span of 2-3 minutes, so much was "said". So much was felt. Many of us could probably emphatise with Meredith and were probably proud of her decision. Princess of Darkness, dark and twisty Meredith all grown up. Finally whole and healed. Being a better person. Even if it was for her sister.

I wonder if I were faced with a similar dilemma, would I be as strong as her? Would I have the courage to rise above it all? I'm hoping that I won't have to make such a tough decision. Although I'm pretty sure I will. Not exactly the same scenario but still a tough choice. Somehow, I doubt that I'll be able to see past everything for the greater good. Somehow, I doubt I will have the courage to make the right decision. But then again, it's all in the distant future. Maybe I'll be different. Maybe I'll have changed. Hopefully.

a new beginning

2009-10-09T00:10:00.002+08:00

The training for the new part time job at SISTIC is over after tomorrow. After tomorrow, I should be answering calls on my own though under supervision. Not too psyched about that, I'm scared of screwing up. Have a huge ulcer on my mouth that's hurting like mad and it's making my mouth feel uncomfortable because it's swollen. Going to crash for the night. Can't wait for to get home tomorrow and watch the new episode of Grey's. It's going to be an awesome episode for sure.

i always feel like somebody's watching me

2009-10-07T21:52:00.002+08:00

Paranoia gives you an edge in the OR. Surgeons play out worst-case scenarios in their heads. You're ready to close, you got the bleeder. You know it but there's that voice in your head asking. What if you didn't? What if the patient dies and you could have prevented it? So you check your work one more time before you close. Paranoia is a surgeon's best friend.

So earlier I was freaking out over my job interview because I thought it wasn't that great and I thought I didn't get the job because there was no call, blah dee blah blah blah... Guess what? I got THE call on Sunday and it totally took me by surprise. I was resigned to the fact that I didn't get the job and then suddenly, my phone rang last Sunday afternoon. I thought it was my sister or friend or whatever. So I picked it up and I saw the first 4 numbers go "6319" and I went "OH.MY.GOD." I quickly answered it and Karen called to tell me I was successful and to come down for the training which started today.

I'm a glass half empty person. Seriously. I'm dark and depressing. So usually, I tend to imagine out the worst case scenarios. I have no idea why as well. And when I got something to worry about, I always go overboard and my emotions just go into overload. I swear. I get all panicky, my heart rate increases and I totally freak out. Like when I was waiting for my results, or the job application or waiting to find out why I failed my subject despite doing well for my supplementary paper. I try to calm myself down by focusing on the here and now, on what's right in front of me. So I go about my life as usual, hoping that somehow, impossibly, I will forget about my worries. But there's always this nagging voice at the back of my head that just rudely pulls me back to reality.

Oh, and I failed my subject not because I did badly for the paper. But because my coursework already sucked so bad that when they calculated the supp paper, I still didn't pass. So I have to retake the whole subject again next year. I don't mind though, provided they don't change the Illustrator and Photoshop assignment. Which I don't think it's possible because I can't think of anything else to test your Illustrator and Photoshop skills.

We're all susceptible to it, the dread and anxiety of not knowing what's coming. It's pointless in the end, because all the worrying and the making of plans for things that could or could not happen, it only makes things worse. So walk your dog or take a nap. Just whatever you do, stop worrying. Because the only cure for paranoia is to be here, just as you are.

bad to worse

2009-10-03T01:38:00.002+08:00

As if I didn't have enough on my plate to handle, what with worrying about the job at SISTIC, I get even worse news now. I failed my EssGra supp paper. Seriously. Seriously. I can't believe it. I totally studied for it. I was so prepared. I even wrote down extra stuff as requested (no, it wasn't crap) and I still failed. I can't handle doing EssGra over again. I just can't. I already messaged my teacher and now I'm waiting for her to get back to me tomorrow. Waiting is always the worst part. Always has been, always will be.

wishin' and hopin'

2009-10-02T21:05:00.005+08:00

We all get at least one good wish a year. Over the candles on our birthday. Some of us throw in more. On eyelashes... fountains... lucky stars... And every now and then, one of those wishes comes true. So what then? Is it as good as we'd hoped? Do we bask in the warm glow of our happiness? Or, do we just notice we've got a long list of other wishes waiting to be wished?

Since I was a kid, I've always got something to wish for. Good grades... new toys... that certain secrets would remain secret. Ok, scratch that last one out. Anyway, I've always knew what I wanted. In my mind, I knew.

Strangely, this year, I had no idea what to wish for on my birthday. Or what present I wanted. It wasn't because I had everything or that I was satisfied with what I had. There were things I wanted, but I just couldn't think of anything that was feasible. However, now, at this very moment, I wish it was my birthday so I could make my birthday wish over again. Because now, I have something I want to wish for. Something I really really want.

I recently applied for a part time job at SISTIC call centre and I'm afraid I won't get it. It wasn't the best interview I've done. The interview for the F1 job was much better. There were so many things I wanted to say but somehow, I didn't. One of my friends who applied already got the call and there's just 2 of us (including me) waiting for the call.

Well, as much as I've been told it should be fine considering I've got a "history" with them, I still feel unsure. I want this job. I need this job. It may be the thing I've been looking for. Something that will add colour to my otherwise boring boring life. Something that gives my life meaning. I'm hoping that I get the job.

I've been told that if you need a job to give you a life, you either need a new job or a new life. But since I don't have an existing job, therefore I need a new life. But to get a new life, I need a job. It's contradicting on so many levels. But it still doesn't change the fact that I want this job so bad. For reasons that even I'm not sure why. I just know that I feel very strongly about this.

I'm crossing my fingers and doing everything I can to try and remain calm. But I'm usually a glass half empty person and my thoughts just run wild. I'm desperately hoping. I'm desperately wishing. And now I'm out of options, wrecked with uncertainty and fear and I have no idea what to do. Except to wait. Which is the worst part.

We don't wish for the easy stuff. We wish for big things. Things that are ambitious, out of reach. We wish because we need help and we're scared and we know we may be asking too much. We still wish, though, because sometimes they come true.

where the wild things are

2009-09-30T23:55:00.004+08:00

So I woke up today and decided to be the thing I hate most in an attempt to finally get over those jackasses. A happy, bright and sunshiny person. So freaking bright it'll hurt your teeth. Thank god I was at home the whole day so I didn't need to be bright and sunshiny to people. I could remain as my usual depressing self.

Don't know why, but I think we think that SISTIC is a fun place to work at so like a couple of us sent in our application for part time jobs. And within half an hour, I got a call to head down for an interview tomorrow. It feels like just yesterday I received a similar call for the F1 temp job. Deja vu much?

Nonetheless, I was kind of excited. Working at the call centre, being paid to hear people bitch and moan about whatever can happen to their tickets. Then I was told that's not all. Way to burst my bubble. Looks like I'll probably be seeing the SISTIC people again. Yay! They're a fun bunch. Or maybe that particular group only. HAHAHAHAHA!!

Ok, I have to go do some stuff before I turn in. My interview is at 11.30 in the freaking morning. Don't want to be late. Might hang out with Xue Yan and Jerrome tomorrow as well. There seem to be an awful lot of gatherings going on since this F1 temp job thingy. First Jon says he's planning one. Then I was told that Sharon mentioned something about a barbecue. All the gatherings, so little time. *sighs*

Time to go back to dark and twisty me. No more bright and sunshiny. Bright and sunshiny me is officially gone as of now. After 2 long days, I've let go. I've let go and I'm moving on. No point putting my life at a standstill just because of a couple of assholes. Yes, I'm moving on. For real.

anger; the second deadliest sin

2009-09-29T18:47:00.004+08:00

I feel much better now. I'm still a bit pissed that my friends don't see the big fleshy deal over what he did. Probably because they're not on the receiving end. One even gave me a "I don't know..." answer. What do you not know? The backstabbing part? The jackass part? Or everything? Damn it. I won't say I'm whole and healed. I've still got some unresolved issues. It's hard for me to get over things like that. Backstabbing is something I can't take lightly. I know it happens often and in the real world it's going to happen lots more times but I still feel upset.

I mean, someone comes up and talks to you about his freaking hobbies and goddamn hopes and dreams for the bright and sunshiny future? How are you going to defend against that? How do these people live their lives? How do they sleep at night?

Seems like I've not really gotten over it. Everytime I think about this thing, I just flare up. Even though I don't feel that upset with myself anymore. It's more like repressed anger towards the jackass. Can't wait to see those jackasses get what they deserve. What goes around, comes around.

Maybe there's really no fixing me. I'm a lemon. But as Raymond said, everything stems from one's willpower. Anything can happen. Who knows? At some point in the distant future, I'll finally be whole and healed.

what a difference a day makes

2009-09-29T02:18:00.006+08:00

All day long I've felt damn stupid. With myself. I was fooled. I was so naive. I can't even begin to describe how lousy I feel now. How could I be so stupid? I actually thought things might be different. That I was wrong for the first time. That maybe due to my own prejudices I misjudged someone. That maybe I was to quick to judge.

In the end, I was played. I was naive and I got hurt. Insulted. Humiliated. Everyone tells me to let go. Just accept it and let go. Since I was not going to be seeing that person(s) anymore, it's going to be better. Just ignore it and move on. But it's not that easy. I felt betrayed.

I'm not trying to dramatise my plight or whatever. I really felt angry and sad at myself. How could I for a moment thought that things might sort of turn out ok? I should have trusted my instincts and they turned out to be right on so many levels. Next time, I'm not listening to stupid bullshit like "Actually, they're quite ok."

They're anything but ok. They're jackasses. Typical, pain in the ass bastards. That's who they are. Struting around thinking they're cool. Standing on their podium judging everyone. I don't mind people insulting me privately. Within friends or whatever. That's what everyone does anyway. But on Facebook? A SOCIAL NETWORKING SITE? Screw you, assholes. You don't get to do that to me. I hope I never see those people again. And to think he had the nerve to add me so I could see that he was publicly humiliating me. Screw you. Fun to hang with my ass.

Ok. I feel so much better. Ms Winnie was right. It's better to vent. You feel so much better. Thank you for that good piece of advice. Everyone tells me to just ignore idiots like said person and just move on. I tried, but I can't. I want to go up to his face and say "Screw you. You insensitive jackass. It's people like you who make this world a worse place for others. 2 face asshole." Maybe I should. When I see him next. Probably when I return my SGP shirts to SISTIC.

Ok... maybe not those exact words. I'll probably be less crude. Or maybe I won't even dare to at all. Yeah, I know. I'm a coward. I mostly blame it on my lack of self confidence and self esteem. And I blame my lack of self whatever on bastards like said person(s). As someone wise once said, "The world is filled with the wrong kinds of people."

thanks for the memories

2009-09-28T01:52:00.003+08:00

Well, the time finally came. F1 has come to a close and it officially marks the end of my part-time job with SISTIC. Maybe I'm being melodramatic. But I'm already starting to miss my new friends. For some reason, even in the scorching heat of the blazing sun, time just flies. Especially today. I enjoyed myself thoroughly today. And I feel like laughing every time I recall today's events.

First I arrived at the booth early to find Wee Chee, Karen and Paul already there. Seriously. The reporting time was 12.30pm but they were already there at 12.15pm and everything was set up. Seriously. Then we just chilled, talk and laughed. I'm already laughing before I even type what happened. Karen's message tone was the ending theme for the Korean drama "Boys Over Flowers". It's a nice and catchy song so it gets stuck in the head. Especially if you've been hearing it for 3 days so far.

So suddenly, Wee Chee and I find ourselves unknowingly humming the song over and over again. And Karen was like "Is it because you heard the ringtone then you start humming?" and we were like "Yeah, all your fault lah." HAHAHAH!!! Oh my god, I think I spend more time laughing with my friends than selling tickets. LOL.

Then Raymond came and god, I love our booth's gate manager. He's fan-freaking-tastic. I swear. Damn slack and fun and nice and generous. He's freaking hilarious and knowledgable. I nicknamed him "Uncle Bear". And he's cool with it. I swear, I'm damn freaking lucky. I got a nice supervisor, assistant supervisor and gate manager. Raymond bought drinks and a big box of McNuggets for us on Saturday while Karen spent like almost 40 bucks (rough guess) on drinks and dessert for us today. Or yesterday. Whatever.

She bought 2 drinks from Starbucks which is around 12-14 bucks, 2 Ice Milk Tea from MOS Burger which is around 5 bucks, 3 drinks from McDonald's which I'm guessing is around 8-9 bucks and 12 custard/chocolate rolls from Renaldo's which cost 1.50 each. Seriously. I'm not joking. It's really around 40 bucks right?

I also managed to touch a 1 000 DOLLAR NOTE. I'm damn freaking ass serious. I was kind of bummed because I thought the chances were slim. Sales were low, we were close to closing hours and people usually paid by credit card or NETS. But suddenly, this customer came and paid me with 2 1 000 dollar notes. I was so shocked I initially forgot to check if it was real until someone reminded me. As Raymond said, everything lies with one's willpower. Haha.

So after we packed our stuff and went back to Suntec to deposit them, we RAN all the way to Gate 7 at Marina Square just to watch the race for a couple of minutes. Couldn't take any decent photos because the cars were a blur. I mean how can you get a still picture of something that moves almost at the speed of a bullet train?

Then we went back to Suntec to gather for a debrief. Had a cam-whore session with everyone from SISTIC who was involved and helped to move a bit of stuff. Then they broke out white wine and sparkling juice (seriously, SISTIC really rocks right?) and it was kick awesome albeit it was a small portion. I got to keep my pass but sadly, I didn't manage to get the 4 grandstand lanyards. Damn it. I forgot to ask when I came back from the race circuit. Really bummed. I'm now seriously considering a part time job at SISTIC call centre. It's under the Customer Service section and at least now I know some people there.

All in all, it was a really fun day and the people really made the job much more enjoyable. Might have a mini gathering soonish since we have to return the F1 shirts which are so ugly. Hope we can all get together again. It'll be more fun since we're not working. Haha!

good mourning/goodbye

2009-09-27T02:06:00.005+08:00

According to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, when we're dying or have suffered a catastrophic loss, we all move through 5 distinct stages of grief. We go into denial because the loss is so unthinkable we can't imagine it's true. We become angry with everyone, angry with survivors, angry with ourselves. Then we bargain. We beg. We plead. We offer everything we have, we offer our souls in exchange for just one more day. When the bargaining has failed and the anger is too hard to maintain, we fall into depression, despair, until finally we have to accept that we've done everything we can. We let go. We let go and move into acceptance.

I have exprienced loss. Twice. Both my grandfathers. However, strangely, I didn't go through those 5 stages of grief. I pretty much skipped everything and went straight to 'Acceptance'. Perhaps because I wasn't close to them. I mean they stayed at one end of Singapore and I stayed at the other. My paternal granddad passed away when I was pretty young so I hardly knew what was going on. My maternal granddad passed away last year and I was pretty shocked. However, I really didn't feel as sad as I should be. And I knew he was sick for a while but I always put off seeing him and in the end, I missed my chance.

Probably it was because the truth hasn't sunk in yet. Because it was too sudden. But like a couple of days after his death, I broke down. I was in school at that time and it was during my PE lesson. I had no idea why. Maybe it was because I finally came to the startling realisation that he was dead. That my granddad died. That I would never see him again. That my granddad... is... dead. It was like a river had burst its banks. I couldn't stop the tears for a while. I sobbed and all my repressed sadness in some deep, dark, hidden corner just flowed out. And I couldn't stop. I couldn't control it.

Maybe to some extent, we all go through the 5 stages of grief. It's human nature. We want to cheat death. Prolong it. We always ask why is God so freaking unfair. We ask why Death didn't take us instead. We ask if Death can take us instead and set our loved ones free.

Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn't just death we have to grieve. It's life. It's loss. It's change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime. That's how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you survive. By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won't feel this way. It won't hurt this much.

Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can't control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes. And let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away.

There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five: Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.

F1 race day 2

2009-09-27T01:52:00.002+08:00

I wanted to blog about my first day at work yesterday but I was so freaking tired. Not that I'm not today, I mean I still am but I've stubbornly decided my body won't get its much needed rest until it lets me finish what I want to do. I'll do 2 blog posts for today because yesterday I wanted to do a post in tribute of the FIRST episode of SEASON 6 of GREY'S ANATOMY but again, I was too tired.

Seriously... And my job isn't even tiring at all. It's just sitting in an air-conditioned booth selling tickets and answering customers' enquiries. But it gets incredibly hot in the afternoon so it's not like it's a bed of roses either.

Anyway, I was pretty nervous before I started. I had a lot on my mind... I was wondering what if I keyed in the wrong amount when I charged customers or what if I selected the wrong payment method on the system or what if they asked me something that I can't answer... basically a shitload of what ifs. Oh, and I was separated from my friends so I felt really awkward initially.

But it's not as bad as I envisioned it to be. I actually enjoyed it really much mainly because of the people. My colleagues (not sure if friend is the right word) are so so so much fun. We crack jokes and laugh like mad. Karen, our supervisor, Raymond (I think he's the gate manager?) and Paul are really cool people. I really enjoyed the times I spent in the booth together with all my colleagues.

Alas, time flies and tomorrow is the last day for the F1. Which basically means that it's the last time we get to spend time together. I actually feel sad whenever I think about it. I mean, I knew that it had to come sooner or later but now that it's actually here... I will miss the time I spent with my friends. Seriously. The fun times, the serious times, the jokes and the peals of laughter will be missed dearly. It's an experience I will never forget. If possible, I really hope to work with them again one day in the distant future. And I already can't wait to apply for the job again for next year's F1 if SISTIC handles the ticketing again.

post big 4-0 celebration

2009-09-25T00:00:00.005+08:00

Yay! I've finally hit the big 4-0! I'll like to thank my parents, my sister and my other sister for supporting me every step of the way. For making me feel that this could be anything but a failure. I also like to thank my friends and Grey's Anatomy for inspiring a huge amount of my posts. Oh wait, I forgot. I'm not at the Academy Awards. Harhar.... that was my lame attempt to be witty. And yet, I find myself wit-less.

I'm exhausted. Deep, all the way down exhausted. And physically as well. I got to stay at Booth 3 which is a great thing because it's so freaking near City Hall MRT but I'm totally separated from my friends. Lucky them got grouped up in 2s and 3s. Although my booth mates are fun and interesting to say the least. This is it. Tomorrow, or rather today, is THE day. Big, big day. I'm kinda hoping I don't screw up tomorrow/today. I just finished an episode of Grey's Anatomy and I think it's one of the awesome episodes of the series. I cried. Inside. Like a baby. And I'm reminded of why I love this series.

Tried to prepare myself by reading up on the access zones for the grandstands but I don't have enough time for the individual synopsis. Too freaking wordy. I need to sleep early now so I can wake up early and have McDonald's breakfast before I head over. Found a new song as well (thanks to Grey's) and I love it. It's 'Drifting Further Away' by Powderfinger. Check it out.

short afternoon

2009-09-22T18:03:00.003+08:00

Woke up today around 12 to the sound of 'Sky' by Joshua Radin blaring from my phone. I answered the call and Jonathan's bright, happy, sunshiny voice chirped from the other side. It was so "painful" it hurt my teeth. It's not you, I just hate happy, sunshiny people since generally, I'm downright depressing. Especially since I just woke up. Whatever.

So I quickly went to bathe and change and met Jon at Tampines MRT. Took a train down to City Hall to meet up with Brenda. Jeanette was supposed to come but apparently ice skating ranked higher on her "Top 10 things to do" list. We went to see Jerrome at Suntec and went off for lunch at KFC. Was supposed to play with Brenda's new DSLR but we almost finished the food before we remembered. Haha! Brenda bought me a shot glass from Australia. Ain't she such a nice friend? Aww.... Next time you see me Brenda, it will just be me and a bottle of tequila and it will be all your fault. HAHAHAHAHA.

Wanted to go walk around the circuit but we didn't have time and it was too big anyway. So we went down to Funan to visit Zane. We only stayed a while then we had to go back to Suntec to meet Jerrome and send Jon off to work. He's working now anyway, poor bloke. I would gloat too, if I didn't have a supp paper tomorrow. Speaking of which, I'm going off to study now. See, I can have an afternoon out with friends too. I'm not so boring after all. Hah! Denial.

I'm kind of excited about Thursday because the new season of Grey's Anatomy is coming out! I have half a mind to buy the season pass thing for mIO TV. Oh, and I'm going to watch The Ugly Truth tomorrow which stars the pretty Katherine Heigl and the hot Gerard Butler. Yay me!!!

live like we're dying

2009-09-21T22:30:00.003+08:00

Kris Allen's new single "Live Like We're Dying" is finally out! Check it out under "random fun stuff"!

blank and boring

2009-09-21T17:21:00.005+08:00

Hmm.... if someone were to ask me now "What's up?", I would reply with "Nothing much." The same answer I've been giving for I think at least a year and many years before that and probably for many years to come. I went blog surfing just before this (not sure if 3 blogs count as surfing) and I realised my life is so boring. One big boringness. A blank, white, empty sheet.

My friend said that reading my blog is so brain taxing. And I don't think I can fault her. It's totally filled with words and no pictures. Unless you count the ones of Kris Allen and Kris Allen. Oh, and the SAJC shirt. But those are like once in a blue moon kind of posts. I never really liked taking pictures. Never found myself photogenic. I pretty much have a low self esteem. Really, I look freaking unglam in 99% of the photos I've taken.

Then I realised that I have no nice or exciting adventures to blog about. No playing in the sea or walks on the beach in Sentosa. The only thing I ever come close to blogging about is watching a movie. But hey, EVERYONE does that.

I don't know.... maybe it's the way I am? I just don't really like going out. Partly because I'm lazy and prefer spending my afternoons watching TV series and soaking up the drama the way I eat my favourite food. But I think sometimes, it's more than that. Maybe I'm scared of being ridiculed. Maybe I'm scared of people judging me. I intend to try and change so I don't spend my time at home watching Grey's Anatomy on my laptop but that change probably won't come anytime soon. My life is like a blank and empty artboard. And I'm waiting for something or someone to add colour to it. Literally.

why I love ellen......

2009-09-16T04:09:00.003+08:00

Video of the Day: Ellen Shakes Her Way to Health! - The Ellen DeGeneres Show

a moment of peace

2009-09-15T01:18:00.002+08:00

I solemnly swear that the world hates me. Ok, I don't mean world as in the people but as in Fate, Destiny, Cosmic balance, Universe, whatever you guys call it. Want to know why? Because I never get a moment of peace. First, I get a call from my teacher on the 10th saying in a serious voice that I've failed Essgra. Then I spend HOURS trying to log in to get my results while trying to cope with my extreme nervousness. Finally got it and realised I did average as I only failed EssGra.

So here I was happy and peaceful till I found out that SISTIC put their training on the 14th. SERIOUSLY. It clashed with my supplementary revision lesson and I was afraid they would drop me. So I called my teacher to see if there were other dates and emailed SISTIC to check as well. Soon, that problem was resolved and all was calm. Although I was still troubled by other minor stuff which was actually partly due to overthinking on my part.

So the 14th came and I gave myself a major scare because I thought I had the wrong time. Then, I thought it was the supp paper immediately and was so nervous I went to the toilet to puke. Afterwards, I met my friends for lunch and went home. Blah dee blah blah blah and now, I'm nervous again.

My friend puts some cryptic message on Twitter that there's a test on Wednesday during the training for F1. Seriously! I mean, what kind of training is this? I just thought it would be a simple training. Learning to use the system, how to act as a service provider, so on and so forth. At least, that's what I was told. Now, some people are going to observe us on Wednesday and we have to ROLE PLAY stuff in front of them and there's a test??? Oh, and my friend says he needs to go shopping and now I'm like "Oh my god, please don't tell me we have to get the pants by tomorrow??"

To top it all off, I have a million and one things to buy and I have NO MONEY. I need to replace my iPhone, get 2 black pants/jeans, get a blazer and probably might need to buy a DSLR camera. Where am I going to get the money? Now I'm so nervous and troubled!!! When can I ever get peace and stop being nervous? It really really doesn't feel good at all. Words can't describe the emotions I feel when I think of all that is to come. ARGH!!!

Thursday, September 24th

2009-09-13T18:20:00.013+08:00

In less than 2 weeks, the new season of Grey's will air in the US. There will be lots of changes, shocking news and the fate of Izzie Stevens is still unknown. I have been pretty upset today because I have to miss my whole day of training tomorrow because of a 2 hour lesson. Less money and I'll be behind the others because I don't know how to use the SISTIC system. Great. But... I found out something awesome! A sneak peek at the new season of Grey's Anatomy. A 6 minute video featuring the beginning of the new episode "Good Mourning". Check it out under 'random fun stuff'!!!

thoughts running wild

2009-09-10T22:00:00.005+08:00

Yesterday, while lying in bed trying to sleep because I was too freaking nervous over the release of my abysmal grades, perhaps due to the tension and whatever, I started to imagine what I think could be a scene in Grey's Anatomy when Meredith was pregnant.

It's not really random because the actress playing Meredith, Ellen Pompeo, is actually pregnant in real life. Although it was reported her pregnancy wasn't going to be written into the story, I was trying to imagine what it would be like if it was.

*Cristina runs up to Meredith*

Cristina: Mer, what the hell was your problem?
Meredith: Hormones! Cristina, I am pregnant! I have someone growing in my belly, I cry for no reason every night and my boobs are all sore! Do we really have to do this now?
Cristina: So much for not having kids.
Meredith: It's a Derek thing. Well, he wanted to have kids and I thought since we weren't getting any younger, we should give it a shot. And then...
Cristina: It happened.
Meredith: It happened.
Cristina: So you're gonna have chatty kids.
Meredith: Yep, with perfect hair. Just like I envisioned......

*Meredith starts looking at Cristina*

Cristina: Why are you looking at me like that? Oh... wait, wait. I don't do babysitting!
Meredith: Cristina!
Cristina: Nope. I don't do babysitting. I do... I do... surgery! Yes! I cut people open and stitch them back up. That's what I do. No babysitting, not for chatty kids with perfect hair.
Meredith: Why not?
Crisitina: Because then they'll be bitching to me about all the crap in their lives as if I don't have enough to deal with with all the crap in your life.
Meredith: Cristina, if ever you babysit my kids, they'll be little things. They can't talk. Much. Please?
Cristina: Nope... still not doing it. Go find others. I'm sure there will be many people willing to volunteer to take care of chatty kids with perfect hair. Go find Izzie!

*Cristina takes up her patient records and dashes off*

I don't know... I tried to make it as close to the characters' personalities as possible. Kind of bummed over my grades though. On a side note, anyone who hasn't watched The Time Traveler's Wife yet, please do so. It's really worth a watch.... maybe two.

reflection

2009-09-07T03:44:00.001+08:00

I'm not trying to brag or boast, but initially I thought I had a good grasp of the English Language. I mean, what with my languages being my best subjects and all. Then I soon realised that I was so wrong. I just read an article, which I won't say "put me to shame", but kind of made me seriously reflect on whether I was truly good at English.
The article was beautifully written, albeit a bit too crude, and the writer isn't even a journalist or a full-fledged writer to begin with.

It got me thinking... and I started to wonder if one day, I could write like him. The article was crude but funny, insightful and moving. The usage of words, the placement of sentences. I know there are people out there who after reading it will go "Pfft... I could write like that too. It's so easy." But is it really? It does seem like anyone can write like that, but if we didn't have a reference... if we put ourselves in the writer's shoes and we had to produce that article for the first time, would we still have been able to produce such work? I refrain from using the word "masterpiece" because as awesome as the article is, there are still better works out there.

The writer is from America, and we are from Singapore. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm ill-informed. But from what I've heard from a friend overseas, Singapore's education level is higher than theirs. The books we study for Literature at Secondary level are the books they use for A'Levels. But as I said, it might not be the case for everyone in general. And yet, not everyone in Singapore can produce such a work. I will leave you now with an extract of the article.

"While I'll probably never fully understand Michael's struggle, I've had a first hand peek behind the curtain of Parkinson's. I've watched my father -- a strong and proud person who successfully raised 4 arguably insane children - slowly, cruely stripped of his independence. His golden years robbed without explanation. It quite obviously sucks. Witnessing my Dad suffer over the years galvanized my need to step up. On November 2nd, I'll join thousands of other men and women to march in lockstep solidarity toward searing psychic pain and physical humilation.

One of the reasons I chose RUNNING specifically, was because (as Murakami so eloquently put it) my competition is the most formidable foe of all; ME. The person I have to beat is the guy I was last week. The person I was yesterday. Indescribably worse, those affected by Parkinson's wage a similar war in their own bodies every single day. Unlike a marathon, their struggle won't end in a shallow pool of vomit just outside Tavern On The Green while waiting for an ambulance. They continue day in and day out, silently battling away in the most personal of struggles."

Extract from: 'Why I'm Running the New York City Marathon', Ryan Reynolds

a change is gonna come

2009-08-31T01:51:00.005+08:00

Many times I have struggled to come up with material for my post. Not that anyone sees it anyway, so technically, I shouldn't care so much. Still, sometimes, I just have this urge to write something so I come here and my mind is blank. Seriously.

It's a couple of days into the holidays and thankfully, that empty feeling is slowly fading away. I hope. I mean, I don't feel that bad now so I reckon it's disappearing. Sometimes I still feel traces of it, maybe it has something to do with me being in the house all day long. I know I need to do MedSoc supplementary paper and I heard it's the week after this. I really really hope not because I haven't even started studying yet!

September is almost here. And with it, it brings new possiblities, new opportunities and new arrivals. Like new seasons of Grey's Anatomy and Gossip Girl. Hah! I'm starting my new job soon. I'm kind of psyched! It's going to be at F1 Grand Prix. Haha! So while my JC peeps are slogging away, I'm watching car races and earning money for it. It's going to be hard work still, I was warned it wasn't a walk in the park. Not that I enjoy the Grand Prix anyway, I just like to gloat. Yeah, I'm bad, nasty and mean.

So here I am, a mean, nasty and grouchy person sitting at the laptop, typing rubbish. Whatever. That's what a blog is for. If you don't spew rubbish here, where else can you do that? I can't wait for the World of Warcraft movie slated to release like God knows when (considering there are no actors/actresses cast yet) and World of Warcraft: Cataclysm coming out October next year. Woooo!!!

i will follow you into the dark

2009-08-29T01:59:00.004+08:00

Finally, the holidays are here. It was something that I was really looking forward to since I was successful in applying for a part-time job at the F1 Grand Prix. Somehow, when it finally came, I didn't seem to enjoy it as much as I thought I would have.

For the past 2 days, I felt really bored. Seriously. I initially dismissed it as lack of entertainment because my friend was supposed to pass me a stack of anime to watch and another was going to lend me her TV series but it turned out that I had to wait till next week. Since then, I have been watching videos on YouTube but I hate waiting for it to load. It seems to be getting slower and slower.

Then I realised that it was not just as simple as not having enough entertainment. I'm currently watching an anime and even though I have tons of episodes to watch, I still feel that same emptiness inside me. A void that I thought was due to the lack of shows. It may have something to do with doing badly for MedSoc but I highly doubt so.

I'm sort of afraid because I have no idea why I feel the way I do. Because of that, I can't do anything to make myself feel better. I don't know what to do and I don't know what caused this feeling of emptiness inside me. I'm just hoping the cause is something minor. Maybe I'm just making a mountain of a molehill. Or maybe it's due to the "many severe crappy issues". Whatever it is, I hope it goes away soon.

dream a little dream of me......

2009-08-26T20:56:00.002+08:00

We all remember the bedtime stories of our childhoods. The shoe fits Cinderella, the frog turns into a Prince, Sleeping Beauty is awakened with a kiss. Once upon a time and then they lived happily every after. Fairytales, the stuff of dreams. The problem is, fairytales don’t come true. It’s the other stories, the ones that begin with dark and stormy nights and end in the unspeakable. It’s the nightmares that always seem to become reality. The person who invented “Happily Ever After” should have his ass kicked, so hard.

I'm so tired and exhausted. Stressed. No matter how hard I try, it just doesn't seem to work. I can't focus and I become easily distracted. Maybe it might have something to do with the fact that tomorrow's my last paper, but whatever. I hate MedSoc. Period.

I have so many things on my mind. The father thing, the mother thing, the sister thing, the other sister thing. Oh, and the inferiority complex thing. I have way too many things. I bet even a Psych book can't analyse my things. I wish it was something easier like "severe abandonment issues" because mine is probably going to be "many severe crappy issues". Sometimes I close my eyes and wish that it would all go away. But no, reality still stays and comes back to bite you in the ass. I open my eyes and see the same crappy things I'm burdened with. Oh well, reality check much. MedSoc is still waiting for me and I only got 3 hours to completely memorise it. This sucks.

Once upon a time, happily ever after. The stories we tell are the stuff of dreams. Fairytales don’t come true. Reality is much stormier, much murkier, much scarier. Reality. It’s so much more interesting than living happily ever after.

random thoughts......

2009-08-17T22:00:00.004+08:00

It's been 2 months since I've wrote a new post. Been really busy with work and trying to find material for this next post. I blame my lack of inspiration... where are the muses??? Anyway, lately, there have been many random thoughts in my head and I decided to use it since I can't think of anything.

Basically it's just random emo quotes/sentences that just 1. popped into my head and 2. heard from movies/shows.

"Sometimes, it all still feels like a mass of dots. But, more and more these days, I feel like we're all connected. And it's beautiful, and funny... and good."

"I looked across the room to steal a glance. Desperately hoping, wishing... that you'll turn back, even if it's just for a second. That one day, you'll notice me, someone who has been silently in love with you."

"I tried, but I failed. In the silence, the words I failed to convey to you have been carried away by the wind. Far... far... away."

"Slowly, I opened my eyes. I reached out and grabbed hold of a dream, my dream. As my hand closed upon it, it turned into ashes. Trickling slowly through my fingers like the sands of time. I realised how foolish I was. Trying to catch my dream... an eternal dream."

"A dream that cannot be achieved remains as it was. A dream, once achieved, becomes a success. Yet, why do we call it a dream if it can be achieved?"

"He walked away, but turned back at the last moment, hoping against hope that it could be saved. With a lingering look, he realised there was never going to be a happy ending. It was all just an illusion, a fool's paradise. Resigned to that fact, he resumed his sorrowful journey, determined to finish it."

Please note that though most of it were random thoughts, it wasn't inspired by any real life events, ESPECIALLY not that one about love.

respect

2009-06-09T22:52:00.015+08:00

It's been told from generations to generations, possibly handed down on a stone tablet. We've all heard the proverbs, listened to the stories, heard people telling us: Respect your elders, especially your parents. But what if things don't go their way? We all know for a fact that if you want someone to respect you, you've got to earn it. So when do we draw the line? When do we differentiate between blindly respecting and really respecting?

Before moving on, I am NOT denying that our parents deserve a lot of credit because they have or will do a lot in bringing you up but sometimes, I realise that parents take this "respect" for granted. At least for me, they do.

We've all heard cases of abuse... the normal stuff like physical abuse, mental torture and the common splashing of hot water. We probably pity the victim but we don't feel much because it doesn't really concern us. But... what happens if it happens to you? Or maybe, someone you know?

Someone I know shared with me one of her traumatising experience when she was just at the tender age of 11. Dad bought a shiny, new pencil and one day, Dad misplaced it. Dad assumed she stole it, so Dad and Mum took her into the room to "shake her up" and force her to admit it. They whacked her, violently shook her and threw her head against the wall. It was so bad she literally begged them to stop and swore she didn't took it. However, Mum got pissed that she swore and beat her up even more. After the beatings, they left her alone in a room for a very long time. Soon after, they found the pencil. Where you ask? It was lying on top of some shelf that Dad left it on. What did her parents do? Nothing. They didn't even apologise for wrongly accusing her. The only thing they did was to smile at her and give the "Oops, my mistake" crap.

Imagine enduring that at the age of 11. And do note that it wasn't an exclusive event. She suffered worse before and after that, and even up to when she was 20. It made me start to wonder if her parents were mentally sick and just weren't aware of it. If you simply wanted to discipline your child for stealing, did you have to go that extend and physically abuse your child? Yes, that was abuse. It's no longer just a simple case of caning or beating.

It also seems that sometimes, parents have a warped sense of respect. Or as I said earlier, they take it for granted. A father once told his son, "Even if I spit on you, scold you and throw your stuff out of the house, you have to crawl back in and call me father." Truth be told, I felt really really disgusted after hearing that. To expect your child to respect you as parents after you do that is ignorant to the point of stupidity. I mean seriously, NO ONE is going to crawl back in and call you if you did what you did to them. We're humans, not animals. We are entitled to our feelings and emotions.

My parents aren't even close to being great parents. I mean sure, they get an A for effort but they way they treat their kids and people is appalling. They keep us in check with fear. Which, I think is kind of ok, but if fear manifests itself in like throwing away your instant noodles immediately upon hearing them or having your heart palpitate wildly if you're playing the computer and you hear them come home, is madness and wrong. It's not even fear... it's tyranny and oppression. Of course, there are other things but it's too personal to share it here. I don't know anyone reading this well enough to have that conversation.

At the end of the day, it comes down to whether you have earned that respect. For me, I strictly believe in respecting people only if they've earned it and I apply it to my parents as well. If you don't want to give me the basic respect as a human being, I don't see why I should respect you as parents. Being parents doesn't mean you have God-given rights and you get away with anything you do. It also doesn't make you infallible because you're after all, human, and capable of making mistakes.

Certain things my parents have done kind of woken me up and made me realise that I've been blindly respecting them. I still give them the basic respect as parents, because trust me, I have half a mind to tell them lots of stuff but I don't because I don't want to hurt them. However, I have drawn the line and I've made up my mind. For most people, I assume, you don't have parents like mine, hence, it doesn't even concern you. But for the others, think about what's going on.

teardrops on my guitar

2009-05-30T18:43:00.009+08:00

Remember my previous post which said that your family is better? That they're always there to help you, to watch as you start off with baby steps and finally achieve independence? I lied. It wasn't on purpose, I was fooled as well. Whoever started telling people that crap was a complete and total moron. Family bonds? So freakin' overrated.

People always say that your family are the only ones you can trust in your life. Well, they haven't met mine. My life sucks and mostly it's because of them. I was in APEL class a few days back and I was told to write down a spiritual goal. My mind went blank because I couldn't think of anything that gave my life meaning. Then my teacher "forced" me to think and the first thing that came to mind was my eldest sister.

Not my parents, or my other sister. Not them. My eldest sister. It occurred to me then that something was wrong. Really wrong. Almost everyone would firstly, have something in their life that gives it meaning and secondly, that would be their parents or their other half. Ok, I don't have a other half which means it should have been my parents. But it's not.

And honestly, it wasn't a surprise. My eldest sister is always there, maybe not physically and not all the time. But she's there for me more than my family is. My parents do help me, but they come back and screw me for causing trouble and making them solve it for me. Which, to be honest, I didn't ask for it. I'm not trying to be ungrateful but you don't voluntarily help someone then scold the person you're helping. It just doesn't work that way.

Parents are supposed to give unconditional love to their children. That is NOT unconditional love, period. My sister provides a better example of unconditional love. Then they say, "Ask your sister to provide for you then. Pay for your school fees." Really? Your family is much better? Moron. It's raining now. Everything seems dark and gloomy... Something happened just now, which is why I made this post. But it sounds very superficial so I'm not posting it up. I'm upset, so freakin' upset. But no one knows, no one except my sister. And you wonder why I say she makes my life meaningful.

She gives me hope and inspiration. She has gone through worse than me and made it through. She lets me know that damaged people like us deserve a second chance and that I can make it through just when I think the road is going nowhere.

Family... you wonder why people say they're the best. It's definitely not. Not all of them anyway. Don't believe that crap... trust me. I found out the hard way. I'm upset and alone and do they care? No. To them, I've disappeared. I'm nothing. I only matter to one person... and that's why she gives my life meaning.

american idol's upset victory?

2009-05-26T11:30:00.020+08:00

Ok, I think I've made it pretty clear I'm a Kris Allen fan and proud of it. My friends are starting to get annoyed with my constant gloating. Yes, all you Glamberts who made my life hell. Day after day listening to you guys say Adam IS going to win. Haha! Anyway, since the results of American Idol have been released, I've seen so many articles/blogs/posts whining and bitching about how it's rigged and whatever rubbish they can come up with. I've read these articles/blogs/posts and I'm going to set the record straight and tell you Glamberts why Kris Allen won. Some of the insights I have come from the articles I've read but there's too much for me to credit. Sorry about that.

A side note, Kris's victory of American Idol isn't an upset victory AT ALL. Do people even know the meaning of an "upset victory"? It refers to someone very weak emerging as the winner among a group of strong people. Anyone, anyone who says that Kris is weak and that he didn't deserve it is a complete and total moron. I believe some Glamberts will agree with this, only the reasonable ones. America isn't blind, if Kris sucks, he wouldn't be in the finals. Well, with the exception of Taylor Hicks.

First up, the whole "anti-gay" crap is full of bullshit. Anyone who uses that to explain why Adam lost should be shot dead and trampled on. Seriously, if Adam lost because of his sexuality, then why did he even make it into the finals? Shouldn't he have been kicked out long ago?And for the record, there were anti-gay people supporting Adam. So no, Adam didn't lose because of his sexuality. In fact, NO ONE CARES.

Secondly, Adam reached his peak a long time ago while Kris has been steadily gaining momentum throughout the entire season and peaked at the right period, which is towards the end. It's like in Season 7 when Archuleta was giving 5 stars performance and the only thing he can do is remain where he is and watch as Cook became "a threat". The same theory applies here. Adam has been pimped by Simon since the beginning (it's disgusting really) and there's really nothing else for him to do but to watch as Kris grew. Therefore, when it came down to the 2 of them, Kris appealed more to the audience because of his personality, musical talents and the fact that each performance was something new. Adam's performance on the other hand, though spectacular, was the same thing over and over again. By the finals, we had already seen everything he had. Don't forget, Kris left us heartless with his stripped down performance of "Heartless" during the final 3 week. That was something new, the likes of which we didn't see from him during the entire season.

Thirdly, their personalities played a big difference. Kris, though "common" and boy-next-door, managed to captivate the audiences week after week. His music is very audience orientated and it appeals more to a significant part of society. He has the ability to change the song to fit his vocals and "puts his signature on it", at the same time, connect with the audience. On top of that, you can tell he loves the song he's performing and he feels for it. It's as though he read the lyrics beforehand and changed the song to capture its meaning. Even Kara DioGuardi praised Kris for his emotional connection with the audience time after time, the very same challenge she posed for Adam early in the competition. As I said to my fellow Kris Allen fans, he interested me with "Man in the Mirror", mesmerised me with "Ain't No Sunshine", captivated me with "She Works Hard for the Money", took my breath away with "The Way You Look Tonight" and completely took my heart with "Heartless".

Adam's performance, on the other hand, is good. As much as I don't really like him (bracing for hate mail), I'm not going to be ignorantly foolish to say he sucks or that he's not good. I have to say this though. One thing that puts me off is his constant "screaming" (subjective) and the close ups of his tongue. He needs to know that not every song calls for a falsetto. Sometime, even Glamberts can't deny this, it's really a bit ear-piercing at times and Simon gives him a standing ovation for it. Like seriously? Also, he goes over the top with his performances always. I know it's an Idol thing and that's what you're supposed to do, but he needs to tone it down and even Slezak says the same thing. After a while, it seems to me like he forgets he's on a concert stage and he thinks he's performing in a theatre. A theory that I have is that his "over the top" performances may have appealed to the Americans but the people in Asia aren't ready for those kind of performances. We're a more conservative society and seeing nail polish, eye liners and constant "screaming" on a guy isn't a social norm. Not to mention the sexuality issue. I have no qualms about that, but a lot of others do. And people know that those living in Asia can vote as well and it's the largest continent, so that may have affected the results as well.

Lastly, one thing I've noticed here in Singapore (yes, we can vote in Singapore, so there's no excuse not to vote), everyone supports Adam. However, most of them are just normal fans because they jumped on the Adam bandwagon after hearing about Adam through word of mouth. Yes, that's how we are. We don't often catch up on American Idol so we get the latest information through others who do. So when people say "Adam is good", they get that mindset stuck and never bother to really see who they support. So when the finals came, and it was time to really show their support, they didn't vote for Adam. They were just "fans" but apparently not enthusiastic enough to lift the phone and call. I voted for Kris during the finals after I realised like the week before that Singaporeans could vote. That's how real fans should show their support. No point saying "I'm an Adam fan" but your actions fail you. Basically, Adam garnered many fans, but they weren't that big a fan to vote for him even though it's free.

On a side note, the Glamberts were wasting time slamming the Kris fans for voting because they are convinced that Adam would win. During the 7 hours of voting, they were on the chatbox slamming the Kris fans while we were voting like crazy. Ergo, wasting time. And for the record, Gizmo IS NOT CHEATING. It's been recognised by American Idol as a voting medium.

Regarding the results, Seacrest, the 2 finalists and Paula said they have no idea how the votes were split. Which led many to believe that the margin was wide and they didn't want to publicise it. I, however, do not believe that 38 million votes came from Arkansas as they only have a population of less than 3 million. Hope this helps!

I've already consolidated everything I've read from other articles and I hope this manages to quash any rumors or assertions that American Idol is rigged or Kris doesn't deserve to win. Digressing away for a moment, I'll like to comment on some stuff that I felt was unfair.

Firstly, many people speculated that "No Boundaries" was written more for Adam because the notes were too high for Kris, and that everyone thought Adam would win. I was one of them. During the performance, you could see Kris was struggling with it (poor bloke) and looked relieved that it was over. I'm of course not going to deny that it posed problems for Adam as well. Then Kara gave some crap that she agreed it was too high for Kris and hopes that people vote for him based on the season instead of the song. Ok, one, you didn't even feature Kris much in the earlier part of the show because he was apparently "cannon fodder". So how do you want people to judge him based on the season? Two, you co-wrote the song and you didn't realise it was too high for him? What rubbish is that? Not to mention that the lyrics were cheesy and I thought they were throwing darts at nonsense lyrics on the board. However, it obviously backfired and Kris emerged victorious instead because of his musical ability to change the song to fit his vocals.

Secondly, according to an article I just read, New York Times writer Jon Caramanica said this of Kris. "At worst, he’s indefensible, utterly lacking in texture and range and interpretive imagination." I would like to ask Mr Jon Caramanica this. Where were you when Kris was performing "Ain't No Sunshine"? Or "Remember The Time", "She Works Hard for the Money" and just recently, "Heartless"? It seems that Mr Caramanica practices selective seeing and hearing because Kris has been praised for his changing of those songs. Furthermore, "Heartless" took the world by storm as Kris just sang together with his acoustic guitar and nothing else. That simple, stripped down version of "Heartless" won praises from all 4 judges for it's originality and even the recognition of Kanye West himself, the original singer of the song. So what exactly was Mr Caramanica judging on when he said Kris has no "interpretive imagination"? Pray tell.

Mr Caramanica also mentioned that Kris lacks "range". If he were referring to vocals, I would suggest that Mr Caramanica should try to visit a CD shop in the near future. Some of the best selling artistes have no wide range as well but they're still successful and it says a lot. It's wrong to generalise and assume that if you want to be a great singer, you need to hit every note in existence. If he were referring to song choices, I would again like to ask him where was he during Kris's performances? He has indeed performed a wide range of songs and even held his own during his duet with country singer Keith Urban. I wonder if Mr Caramanica even watched any of Kris's performances before making that critique.

That being said, I hope that people stop sulking and accept that Kris really deserve to win American Idol. I don't like Adam (hate mail...3,2,1 inbox full) but I acknowledge that he's a great performer in his own way. I wish both of them well and I'm anxiously awaiting Kris's CD to hit the stores.

american idol

2009-05-18T01:11:00.015+08:00

Ok...this is not a normal post that I would do but I really have to do it. I'm not jumping on the American Idol bandwagon (it's kind of obvious that this year is one of the best, if not the best top 3/4 they have) because I've always liked American Idol since like season 2. It's just that no one there ever really appealed to me that strongly to make me feel that he/she should win. The only one that appealed to me was Kris Allen from this season. He's the first one who I felt very strongly about and really wanted him to win very badly. He made me really start following American Idol closely. The only other one I "supported" was Carrie Underwood but I supported her because it was either her or Bo Bice. Oh, and probably David Cook as well. I did watch a few of his perfomances although I still don't get what's so great about his rendition of "Always Be My Baby". Anyway, I know that Adam is great, blah blah blah, loads of people are saying it but I think Kris is the real winner here. Look, American Idol isn't just about singing. It's also about your style, personality and talent.

Seriously, sometimes I think Adam is overrated. His vocals are good, he has charisma (although I don't feel it) and people will want to go see him perform. But sometimes, when he hits high notes, it really hurts the ear because it's more of like a screech. And I still see Simon say it's perfect. Talk about being biased. Sometimes he comes across as a bit too over confident, just because he's good. Whatever. Kris is good as well, but you don't see his ego pouring out of him like there's no tomorrow.

I know Kris isn't vocally powerful as Adam (I'm not admitting he sucks, I'm just not so ignorant to the point of foolishness where I think he's perfect), but he has the ability to make the song his. It has been shown consistently throughout the show and even praised loads by the judges. Paula Abdul even calls this process "Allenizing". Kris has the voice, style and talent. He embodies the spirit of American Idol, and yes, American Idol is partly a talent show as well. I just think that Kris deserves to win American Idol, truly and totally. Even if Adam takes the title (I really hope not), we know that Kris is the real winner because of who he is and what he represents. And yes, I'm so going to vote for him.

life is short, live it

2009-05-03T21:11:00.006+08:00

A couple hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. “Never leave that till tomorrow,” he said, “which you can do today.”

This is the man who discovered electricity. You’d think more of us would listen to what he had to say. I don’t know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I’d say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of pain, fear of rejection. Sometimes the fear is just of making a decision. Because, what if you’re wrong? What if you’re making a mistake you can’t undo?

Whatever it is we’re afraid of, one thing holds true… that, by the time the pain of not doing a thing, gets worse than the fear of doing it, it can feel like we’re carrying around a giant tumor.

Life is too short for you to live it the way others want you to. We need, at some point in time, to take control of our lives and steer it in the direction we want. How many times have we done things because we want to and not because someone is dictating our actions? Most of the time, we do things because we're required to. Or because it's acceptable. We repress everything inside of us, and we never really let it out.

Some want to sail the 7 freakin' seas, some want to go around the world in 80 days and others want to climb a mountain or do some ridiculously insane stuff. And we never do it. Why? Because we either don't have the time or we're afraid to be different. We let people decide how we should live our lives. For me, I do things because I want to. Fine, maybe not all the time, but at least I'm doing it. Because I know that I don't want to make tapes on my deathbed to release like 60 years of repressed rage. And I don't want to lie there thinking of all the things I should have done but didn't do because I was too stupid to control my own life. I don't want my life to end in regret. Whatever you want to do, do it now or soon. Life is really too short for you to live it by the rules of others.

'The early bird catches the worm.' 'A stitch in time saves nine.' 'He who hesitates is lost.' We can’t pretend we haven’t been told. We’ve all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day.

Still, sometimes, we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today’s possibility under tomorrow’s rug, until we can’t anymore, until we finally understand for ourselves, what Benjamin Franklin meant:

That knowing, is better than wondering. That waking, is better than sleeping. And that even the biggest failure, even the worst, most intractable mistake, beats the hell out of never trying.

sweet little lies

2009-04-29T00:26:00.007+08:00

As people, we’re trained to be skeptical… because others lie to us all the time. The rule is: everybody is a liar until proven honest. Lying is bad. Or so we’re told. Constantly, from birth. “Honesty is the best policy.” “The truth shall set you free.” “I chopped down the cherry tree.” Whatever. The fact is, lying is a necessity. We lie to ourselves because the truth… the truth freakin' hurts.

We lie all the time. Usually we start with something small. Lying to your mum about where you are because chances are you're somewhere doing something naughty. White lies, we call it. Ever wonder why it's called 'white'? I have no idea as well. Then we move on to something bigger. The ones that gets us into loads of crap. Skipping school, stealing, doing drugs, smoking. Basically anything you know that gets you big time falls under this category. The more serious the issue, the more we try to lie to hide it. Then we lie more to cover up our previous lies and finally, we find ourselves in a grave we single handedly dug because we can't stop lying. We get crushed beneath the growing burden of our lies.

I wonder all the time about why we lie. So why do we lie? The way I see it, there's usually 3 main reasons. The first is the basic reason, it's why we lie most of the time. We want to hide something. Out of fear, our of insecurity or just wanting to keep it personal. The second reason is because we want to protect someone. We don't want to hurt them or allow them to be hurt in any way. Our parents lie to us about the existence of Santa Claus and other imaginary characters. Why? To protect the innoncence of our childhood. It sucks for a 6 year old to realise Santa Claus doesn't exist. Or... we lie to our loved ones because we know the truth is too freakin' painful. The last reason why we lie is because it's a natural mechanism. I like to believe it's the way things work, to keep the cosmic balance in check. Someone once said, "People should just tell the truth to the people in their lives." To which the response was, "They can't. If they could, we'll all be healthy." Since it's physically impossible for everyone to be healthy, likewise, it's impossible for people to be totally honest.

We lie to others... but we also lie to ourselves. The truth is too painful for us to bear. We lie to run away and escape from it. It's hard for us to accept the harsh reality of the world: That life is not a bed of roses or fluffy clouds. But sometimes, the truth is the only thing we can offer.. .either to ourselves or others.

No matter how hard we try to ignore it or deny it, eventually the lies fall away… whether we like it, or not. But, here’s the truth about the truth: It hurts. So… we lie.

forgiveness

2009-04-21T20:15:00.006+08:00

In life, only one thing is certain, apart from death and taxes. No matter how hard you try, no matter how good your intentions, you are going to make mistakes. You’re going to hurt people. You’re going to get hurt. And if you ever want to recover, there’s really only one thing you can say… "I forgive you."

Of course, it sounds fancier when you say it. But when you really get to it, will you practice what you preach? I've been hurt loads of times. By people I don't really know, by people I love. Whatever. And then afterwards, they come up to say "I'm sorry." Seriously. As though it can somehow erase the hurt they've inflicted. They screw around with your relationship with them and all they can say is 'sorry'? They just want to ease their guilt, make themselves feel better. They don't have the right, not after what they did. Well, that's the best case scenario. Most of the people I know don't bother to apologise. It's human nature, I know. That's why I don't even bother to expect one.

Well, a more optimistic way of looking at it is this. You care for the person, that's why you still feel hurt by what they did. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. But I've been pretty much glass half empty these days, so I just screw that explanation. There's an interesting story that's probably been told a few times and i find it rather relevant as to why the only way to recover is to forgive.

Once upon a time, there was this little boy. He liked to throw his temper, frequently. So his dad told him to hammer a nail into the fence everytime he lost his temper. It worked and as time passes, he learned to keep his temper in check. After that, his dad brought him to the fence and asked him to pull out all the nails. The boy looked at the fence that was filled with holes and realised what his dad wanted to teach him. When you flare up at someone, you hurt them. After things settle down, you can apologise and make amends, but the hurt doesn't really go away.

What a fanciful story. Load of crap. As though anyone really learns their lesson. Well, you get the point. When someone hurts you, no matter how hard you pretend, the wound doesn't really heal. It leaves a mark. Even if whoever hurt you tries to make amends, it doesn't go away. Whoever said time heals all wounds, was a complete and total moron. It doesn't, at least not for most of the people I know. The only way for the the pain to go away completely is for you to rip off the Band-Aid, let the wound breathe and slowly, forgive the very person who hurt you. I've been there, done that. I just did it recently, it's hard, no one said it was a walk in the park. But what's the point of holding in all that pent up rage? Just let it go and you will feel better. Maybe if you look at it as what Jesus would freakin' do, it might help. Well, those who believe in him anyway.

Forgive and forget. That’s what they say. It’s good advice, but it’s not very practical. When someone hurts us, we want to hurt them back. When someone wrongs us, we want to be right. Without forgiveness, old scores are never settled. Old wounds never heal. And the most we can hope for, is that one day we’ll be lucky enough to forget.

dreams

2009-04-12T01:41:00.004+08:00

The dream is this: That we’ll finally be happy when we reach our goals. Find the guy, get our desired careers… that’s the dream. Then we get there… and if we’re human, we immediately start dreaming of something else. Because if the dream sucks… then we’d like to wake up. Now, please.

My dream since young was simple. Get my education done, finish up NS, be a teacher, settle down if I ever find the right half and live my life happily ever after. Seems easy right? Ha! I wish. Not even halfway through my life, I find myself making adjustments because I'm not living my freakin' dream. Life sucks. I have a theory. That because Life sucks, and everyone hates Life, he/she/it decides to have fun by throwing us a curve ball when we least expect it. Constantly. Why not? People already hate me, why not make them hate me more?

We never take into account the unexpected. That's why we call it the unexpected. When it does happen, we have to improvise. We have to think on our feet, adapt to the situation. Some of us do it better than others, some crack under the pressure and the rest move on to Plan B and make the best of it.

I'm not saying that my dream is completely crushed and it's impossible to achieve. Things just got harder. I just got a curve ball. In my face. Not the first time, and I'm still reeling from it. After tons of experience, you expect to be better at handling it. But that feeling? Yeah, it doesn't really change. And maybe, life may not be so bad after all. Because in spite of everything people say about life not being a freakin' bed of roses, sometimes... it really feels like it.

At some point, maybe we accept that the dream has become a nightmare. We tell ourselves the reality is better. We convince ourselves it’s better that we never dream at all. But the strongest of us, the most determined of us, we hold on to the dream.

Or, we find ourselves faced with a fresh dream we never considered. We awake to find ourselves… against all odds… feeling hopeful. And if we’re lucky… we realise, in the face of everything, in the face of life… the true dream… is being able to dream, at all.

just want to be close to someone

2009-04-06T00:06:00.005+08:00

My family isn't the most perfect family out there. All those shows you see of loving families? Where at the end of the day everyone just kiss and make up and they all hug each other in bliss? Totally overrated. Maybe, it's just mine. Maybe, there really are families out there who hug each other in eternal bliss. I wouldn't know though, I've never seen one. My family has its own deep, dark secrets. More family drama than anyone else's I suppose. Seriously. And you thought Brothers & Sisters was bad enough. Welcome to mine. But I'm not here to talk about how crappy my family life has been. I'm here to talk about weighing family against friends.

Why do we turn to friends? Why do we even have friends? People say it's because it makes them seem pathetic and as though they don't have a life. Can you imagine how stupid you sound if you tell people you don't have friends? Yeah, scary. And frightening. Then there's the belief in the saying 'No man is an island.' But seriously, sometimes friends are there to share the burden you know you can't let your family know. It's simple, really. Why are there things we rather let our close friends know than our parents? The ones who actually raise us up, and feed us, and clothe us. They tend to use that argument against us, parents I mean. And we throw in back in their faces because there's some stuff that you really just don't want to talk to your parents about. I mean, come on. Imagine talking to your parents about your relationship problems. I bet some parents object to BGR in the first place. Some do talk to their parents, and they are the lucky few who have such families. But ultimately, friends are supposed to help us when our families can't.

Now we move on to our parents and siblings. Girls tend to have problems with the mother, and boys tend to have problems with the father. What with the whole expectations thing they keep shoving into your face. 'Girls should do this. Learn that.' 'Boys should not behave like this. Talk like that.' And the list just goes on and on and on. We say 'Screw it, ok? That is so yesterday.', and we hate it when they restrict us to certain actions because they think it's inappropriate for someone for our gender. But, don't forget. Your family is the group of people who will always be there to help you.... at the end of the day. No matter what trouble you cause, they will try to clear up the mess. Yes, your parents will probably yell for making them clean up after you. But that's what they do. And you need to appreciate them for it. Life is too short for you to be angry with everyone.

As mothers go, I know overbearing and overprotective. Probably one of the worst traits to have when we grow to the age where we desperately fight for our freedom. As fathers go, I know overprotective and sometimes, indecisive. People probably hate me now because they lost either one or both and here I am, with both and still complaining. We argue, we fight. We quarrel, we scream. At the end of the day, your parents will be the one there. For you. Still helping you in every way they can... until they take their last breath.

Well, I don't see the need to talk about siblings. I mean, no one should have problems communicating with them. If you do, it's ok to take a time-out. We all need one from time to time. Don't care if your parents keep preaching about the bonds of sisterhood or brotherhood. Take a step back, relax and clear your mind. Then only talk when you are ready. I know it's hard to make the first step because it means you lose. It means the other party has power. But you know, think about it as rising above it all. Being a better person. Might not be such a fancy idea at first but it works. And to all guys out there who have a sister, learn to appreciate them. Shove your chauvinistic attitude aside, chuck it down the drain. Whatever. Because when you get in touch with your feminine side and you definitely will, they can really help. A lot.

At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want, is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other? It’s usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to.

And once we’ve chosen those people, we tend to stick close by, no matter how much we hurt them. The people that are still with you at the end of the day... those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But, sometimes that invasion of personal space… it can be exactly what you need.

crossing lines

2009-04-04T02:03:00.004+08:00

In surgery, there’s a red line on the floor that marks the point where the hospital goes from being accessible to being off-limits to all but a special few. Crossing the line, unauthorized, is not tolerated.

In general, lines are there for a reason. For safety. For security. For clarity. If you choose to cross the line, you pretty much do so at your own risk. So why is it… that the bigger the line, the greater the temptation to cross it?

Anyone who knows me during my one and only year in JC will be surprised that I'm dishing out advice on crossing lines. Seeing as how I've always been one for crossing lines and never looking back. Well, sometimes. But there are some people out there who have never crossed the line and they want to know what it feels like. And those who have crossed, but unfortunately, lose their way.

There's a saying, 'Forbidden fruits taste nicer.' Ok, I'm pretty sure I didn't get the whole thing right, but I don't care. You get the gist, that's it. You walk up to the imaginary, sometimes real, line and you are faced with a simple decision. To cross or not to cross? Maybe it's not simple, maybe it's harsh and cruel and just freaking tormenting. But we inflict upon ourselves these painful choices everyday anyway. From something as simple as what to eat for lunch to whether you should pull the plug on someone. Once you've made that decision, you should go forward bravely. No regrets.

Fine, let's say you cross the line. You start out feeling heroic because you like cheap thrills and probably broke a hundred rules crossing that line. You tell yourself, in an attempt to justify it, that rules are meant to be broken anyway. Screw it. But then after the adrenaline rush wears out, the guilt rears its ugly head. What you do with that guilt, is up to you. Guilt never goes anywhere on its own. It brings its friends: Doubt and Insecurity. It's probably more insecurity you feel, especially if you are bogged down by rules and screwing the rules will not go unpunished if you are found out. However, if one crosses the line and knows how to turn back to rein themselves in, to try to patch things up, that's better than not crossing. It shows you have the courage to admit your mistake.

I have crossed the line loads of times without even pondering. And after everything I said up there? Seriously? But sometimes I never turn back, in fact, most of the time I don't. Even when I get caught. Or when I'm wrecked with guilt. Sometimes, all you need is someone to push or guide you gently to the right direction and naturally, you will find the path you need to travel down. Whether you want to do it alone or with your friends or family, is up to you. People say it's better to be with your loved ones but hey, at least you are on the right path.

We can’t help ourselves. We see a line, we want to cross it. Maybe it’s the thrill of trading the familiar, for the unfamiliar. A sort of personal dare. Only problem is…once you’ve crossed, it’s almost impossible to go back.

But, if you do manage to make it back across that line, you find safety in numbers.

growing up

2009-04-03T14:06:00.006+08:00

After careful consideration and many sleepless nights, here’s what I’ve decided: There’s no such thing as a grown-up.

We move on, we move out, we move away from our families and form our own. But the basic insecurities, the basic fears, and all those old wounds just grow up with us. And just when we think that life and circumstance have forced us to truly, once and for all, become an adult… you get a nasty shock.

We get bigger, we get taller, we get older. But, for the most part, we’re still a bunch of kids, running around the playground, trying desperately to fit in.

Someone wise once explained why there was a spike in the number of road rage cases. She attributes it to people not satisfying their "inner child". As we grow up, we take on more responsibilities. Being an adult? Totally overrated. Responsibility, it really does suck. Really, really sucks. Anyway, at day, we go about our daily lives, fulfilling our daily quota of responsibilities. At night, we sleep to forget the day's worries through 8 hours of dreaming. There's a saying that goes 'We are all kids at heart.' People don't take that seriously, do they?

We totally forget to fulfill our childish wants. Hence, at night, our "inner child" keeps us up. We shove it into our inner depths in the morning, but at night, it rears it's "ugly head". Putting random thoughts into your head while you sleep - "I love grapes." "I left money in the pocket." " M in the P. M in the P. M in the P" "If it's a 1, i don't care, if it's a 20 then i need to get it." - and you stay awake all night to shut it off. Not to mention the freakin' song that just repeats and repeats and repeats. Then you realise it's your "inner child" playing with you, talking back and forth with you. You don't play with your "inner child" anymore, so it's wide awake at night and just wants to play. So that's why people are so angry and grumpy and rageful all day long because their "inner child" has kept them up all night long and their "inner child" is sound asleep now. Hence, the spike in the number of road rage cases. And people thought it's just an urban myth.

We are kids at heart. You have responsiblities, I know you do because I have them as well. But you've got to juggle them both, it's just the way the cookie crumbles. Sometimes, we resemble little children more than we want to admit because we are afraid to be called immature and childish. Embrace it, don't fight it.

I’ve heard that it’s possible to grow up. I’ve just never met anyone who’s actually done it. Without parents to defy, we break the rules we make for ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don’t go our way.

We whisper secrets with our best friends in the dark. We look for comfort where we can find it. And we hope…against all logic, against all experience. Like children, we never give up hope.

a sum up of the past 8 months (part 4)

2009-04-01T12:56:00.004+08:00

Fine, I lied. Sue me. Lying is bad. Ok, all I lied about was that I said my post was going to be in 3 parts, including the "teaser" but I had to extend to probably 4 or more because there's too much to be said. It's a freaking white lie, but, I lied.

So here I am, back to World of Warcraft, really enjoying my 5 months of holiday because honestly, that has never happened in my entire school life. Period. Then while searching for fan videos of my favourite actor , I chanced upon his nephew. Yes, we have been trained to be skeptical when it comes to these sort of things because people lie to us all the time. The rule is: every person is a liar until proven honest. And that's what he did. Well, I didn't exactly think he was a liar, but I had my doubts. But he did show me some photos anyway which weren't photo shopped. So no, he wasn't lying.

He said his uncle was going to come visit in March. So I waited with bated breath and March arrived. Then suddenly, one Sunday night, he came on MSN and went 'Guess who's here?' and I was like 'Please tell me it's not who I think it is.' because I was totally unprepared. But yeah, it was his uncle. It was really an experience I could try to explain but unless you've been there, you won't understand the thrill and excitement. I wanted to talk to him, but they were busy watching rugby. Not to mention that he was 7 or 8 hours behind me, which effectively meant i should have been in bed long ago because it was around 7 pm his time. I went to bed that night feeling a bit bummed because I thought he would be there for 1 day or something.

On Thursday, I spoke to his nephew again and to my surprise, his uncle was still there. And yes, I did speak to him this time. For about 2 minutes. It was short but still worth it. And here I am now relieving the experience as though it was just yesterday. One could say that he was getting someone to pose, but you can obviously tell when someone else takes over the MSN chat, furthermore, I was told he was going to London on Friday, the uncle I mean.

At first, I had no idea why, but later I realised something that would further prove that it's really him. He attended a movie premier the following Monday at Leicester Square. So it times nicely with when he was visiting his nephew. In case you guys are wondering who it is, it's Jack Davenport. But I highly doubt any of you would know him because seriously, he's not that much of a big shot yet.

Ok, so that's pretty much everything that happened in the past 8 months. It's not a lot, but what can one expect when I'm in the house most of the time? Anyway, since I'm done with the summary of my life within the past 8 months in 3 posts, which is kind of pathetic, I'll be moving on to a newer way of blogging. Just changing my personal style because recently, I've got a new outlook on life. Hope you enjoy the change!

a sum up of the past 8 months (part 3)

2009-04-01T12:42:00.003+08:00

Right, so moving on to a new post because people are so fatally lazy they can't bear to read the whole essay. Time flew as usual and suddenly its Christmas. Although for some reason yet unknown to me, I wasn't in a Chrismassy mood. Seriously, what with all the decorations going on like a month before it happens and stockings over the fireplace (yes, I know there are no fireplaces in Singapore, just pretend there are), you would expect me to be all for the arrival of Santa and his make believe presents under the tree which our parents sneak in before we wake up.

Somehow, maybe it's because of all the damn Christmas movies which Channel 5 never gets sick of showing year after year, I sort of became very emotional and I mass emailed my class to thank them for the wonderful year I had. Except for one person, he's an ass really. So in the end, sort of in the spirit of Christmas that people keeps shoving down each other's throats and what Jesus would freaking do, I decided to give him the best gift possible. Gift of forgiveness. I'm being a better person, rising above it all for the greater good, whatever that means. Then it's the New Year. 2009.

Fresh starts. Thanks to the calendar, they happen every year. Just set your watch to January. Our reward for surviving the holiday season, is a new year. Bringing on the great tradition of New Year’s resolutions. Put your past behind you, and start over. It’s hard to resist the chance at a new beginning. A chance to put the problems of last year to bed.

Nothing much happened, as with every other new year. I just went out with friends, watched the pretty fireworks and stayed over at his place. Considering it's my first time, I was a pretty good kid. Then while I was alone on the couch, I suddenly felt lonely. Really lonely. Freaking miserable. But it also gave me time to reflect. And I started thinking about what New Year truly means to me:

Who gets to determine when the old ends, and the new begins? It’s not a day on a calendar, not a birthday, not a new year. It’s an event. Big or small. Something that changes us. Ideally, it gives us hope.

A new way of living and looking at the world. Letting go of old habits, old memories. What’s important is that we never stop believing we can have a new beginning.

But it’s also important to remember that amid all the crap are a few things really worth holding on to.

a sum up of the past 8 months (part 2)

2009-04-01T12:26:00.003+08:00

Ok, let's start. I'm at the airport, seated comfortably on the sofa of TCC with a cup of mint-choc frappe which by the way, isn't that great. So let's get moving. Picking up where I left off on the 13th of July, I'll fast forward to my birthday. It wasn't a great day, had to stay in sch till 4. It's like quite some time ago, so my memory is a bit fuzzy. First time anyone outside of my family celebrated my birthday and I really want to thank you guys. Seriously. Then I had some family drama, I can't really remember it but I'm very sure it happened.

Then we come all the way to promos. What can I say? It wasn't very great really. I missed the passing criteria by 1 grade. Supposed to get an S but I got a U instead. Funny thing is, it was my Lit that pulled me down. Here's the ironic part: Throughout my J1 year, I never really grasped how to go about doing a lit essay. I read a few, my friend helped me through but as you know, as far as lit essay is concerned, you can get all the help you need but unless you see the light, you won't fully comprehend it.

So there I was in the exam, thinking desperately how to go about doing the prose and what to write. When all of a sudden, it was as though someone unclogged the sink and everything started flowing and I realised there and then what everyone meant. Then I thought, "For christ's sake, of all times to enlighten me, you couldn't have done it earlier?", but it's better late than never. So yes, I flunked my promos. Then we had the speech by the principal on how we should consider an alternative route of study. And I wanted to say "You know the conversation? Yeah, I'm not interested.", but unfortunately I can't. I really struggled with the decision, kept going back and forth like a pendulum, trying to ignore my parents. Then I remembered a wise saying.

'The game: They say a person either has what it takes to play, or they don’t. My mother was one of the greats. Me, on the other hand… I’m kinda screwed.'

Well, my mother wasn't one of the greats, but my sister is. She's in university and it's like a huge crappy deal. At least to my family it matters, so its kind of related. Although this quote wasn't directed towards education, it does kind of mirror my crappy life I had at that point of time. So in the end, I decided that although I did have what it takes to play, I didn't really like the field, so off to the polytechnic I went.

a sum up of the past 8 months (part 1)

2009-04-01T03:29:00.004+08:00

I have loads of stuff to talk about. There's so much I want to share but its like 3.30am and I can't be seen awake. So just take this as a teaser (haha, bullshit) as to what would be a very long post as it sums up the past 8 months which I was away because I was too fatally lazy to continue this damn blog. I'll split the main part into 2 parts. There's just too much to say and too little attention span. Haha.

can't wait to break free

2008-07-13T18:41:00.001+08:00

today's post will be quite a long one i suspect. my closer friends might know what im talking abt so if u don't, just be honoured that im sharing this with u. at sch i try to act normal. like im some carefree person, with no worries in the world and cannot be bothered abt failing grades. well, actually i do care, but its just tt i feel tt no matter how u feel sry over it, its nt gg to change anything, so i get over my abysmal grades pretty fast.which makes pple think i feel no remorse over my grades. anyway, i actually feel damn stressed. in sch im nt treated as an equal and yes, u know who im talking abt, if said person actually gives a damn to read my blog. which i rly cannot be fucked. sry for the swearing, its just i have tolerated said person since time immemorial and said person is rly getting on my nerves. then at home, where one actually relaxes, watch tv, eat dinner with one's family happily, one wuld expect me to be happy and relaxed and be the i-can't-wait-to-be-home kind of person. but on the contrary, that's nt the case at all. my family is rly screwed up, save for one special person. she and i get along very well now. though ironically, in the past, we were constantly at each other's necks. haha, guess this is what u call fate. anyway, if it weren't for her, i probably wuld have a mental breakdown. some of u r gg "bullshit!" but its rly true. i have parents who put in a lot of effort into raising us up. i don't deny that. however, they cannot seem to live past the 1960s and furthermore, they have absolutely no people skills. they favour my sis and the special person and me usually gets majority of the blame. and especially when my mum suffers frm the cup ring syndrome (cup ring syndrome refers to how ur mum starts scolding u abt leaving a cup mark on the table, then proceeds to reprimand u abt how useless u r and how u can actually fold the clothes while watching tv, then goes on to other stuff, etc., u get the point.), she tends to go into a rampage where things get ugly. if u hear the stuff she says abt her own child, trust me, u wuld be appalled. rly appalled. shocked beyond words. then on to my dad, while he doesn't spew rubbish out of his mouth, he tends to favour my sis. my sis this, my sis that. and everything becomes abt her. of course he does it subtlely but it is still quite obvious. and when i try to talk to him abt it, he dismisses it and says im being oversensitive and that i shuld stop being jealous of my sis. im oso told that i shuld nt bear grudges against my family members and live harmoniously.which is all fucking bullshit and the fucking diplomatic answer which is nt what im seeking for. of course these r all the tip of the iceberg, but unfortunately, i cannot say more. "don't hang one's dirty laundry in public". the reason y im doing this post is cuz i cannot find an outlet to vent my frustration except thru this. if said person reads this, i have a message for u. fucking get a life and leave me alone. stop acting like a fucking immature bastard and grow up. u r freaking 18 yrs and acting like a goddamn 4 yr old, u shuld be more ashamed than me asshole.

im so freaking screwed......

2008-06-09T12:39:00.000+08:00

i. am. so. freaking. screwed. exams is in less than 2 wks and i haven't started studying. OMG!!!! and i just looked at the lit essay that i am supposed to do and i dunno how to start!!!!!!!! i need divine intervention. literally. i try to start studying but then always got no mood to do so. either i d/l anime, or watching anime or reading manga. (yes, i know im an anime freak, my blog webby says it all though.) ok, i just decided that i will start studying seriously frm today onwards, and im oso hoping i got mood to go exercise. lol, parents bugging me to do so cuz hols no p.e. lessons. and i just realised p.e. lessons nt tt bad......haha, its quite exhausting cuz i 10000 yrs nvr exercise (yes, i know, my bad. happy?) but it helps, or at least i do. just went cycling a few days back and i feel slimmer. hahaha. its true though. then i drank 2 cups of bubble tea in 3 days. (tt one nt my fault hor, i nvr ask for it, my sis buy for me one. hahaha) i feel so sinful now and fat cuz apparently 1 cup of bubble tea gives ur body more than what u lose when u run 3.6km or smth. learnt it in p.e lecture, haha. (yes, p.e. got lecture, suckers.....hahaha.) so now, i decided that i will drink bubble tea w.out pearls. AND I WILL!!! but one thing i won't cut down on is ben & jerry's. LOL. i oso decided my fridge confirm must have 1 tub of ben & jerry's ice cream. favourite flavor so far is new york super fudge chunk. YUMMY!!! i want to try the chocolate fudge brownie. and its the top 3 flavours, haha, i gt good taste. anyway, since i started on B&J's, i nvr touch any other brand of ice cream alr, except perhaps haagen dazs. i have high class taste as well. o.O *look of realisation*

IM SO HAPPY!!!

2008-05-30T00:57:00.000+08:00

YAY!!! ITS FINALLY FREAKING OUT!! THE FULL VERSION OF REGRET!!! omg, i have been waiting for the full version since it first aired on d.gray man. haha, sry, i know most of u dunno what im talking abt but i rly had to make a short post to announce that its here cuz i have been watiting damn long. can finally put it on my damn blog. hahahaha. WOOOT!!!!!

HOLS!!!

2008-05-25T20:34:00.000+08:00

hey 1t11, its the freaking hols finally!! WOOT!! im damn freaking happy. anyway, i just realised my last post is almost a mth away. im pretty sure this blog is gg to go dwn like my previous blogs. (notice the 's' at the back. haha) anyway, its nt party time yet as i reaslied cuz we have 3 more exams at the end of this mth. and to top it off, it starts on the last day of hols, a friday. SERIOUSLY, im damn freaking pissed. i mean is it so hard to let us "enjoy" our hols?? can't my sch be magnanimous enuff to have the WHOLE FREAKING HOLS to ourselves????? what's with the stupid rush to end the exams 1 day earlier?? anyway, just thought i would congratulate 1t11 for successfully completing out H1 papers. jia you for H2 papers next, ok? anyway, im kind of sad now. lost my stupid wallet in the bloody sch canteen. partly my fault cuz i accidentally left it on the canteen table but y must pple be so greedy? geez, i only had less than 5 bucks in there. i hope someone rly returns it cuz my I.C is in there. curse the idiot who took it, sometimes i don't understand y they must build their happiness on other pple's sufferings? i mean, all im asking for is just my I.C back. take the ez link and money, srsly, i cannot be fucked. ur parents must be damn broke if u r that desperate. and furthermore, i lost it in MY OWN SCHOOL. i had to go make a police report as well cuz in case the damn assshole who took my wallet decided to be a naughty boy with it. its called a CATHOLIC school for a reason, i mean hell, even the school is named CATHOLIC junior college. im pretty sure stealing isn't something jesus condoned. must bro paul always make an announcement b4 the thief decides that his "prank" has gone too far? another student lost his wallet as well and got it back cuz bro paul announced we shuld feel ashamed for having a thief among our midst. i know sometimes we r all nt saints, we have tendencies, urges, temptation, yada yada yada. but pls at least spare a thought for the person who lost their wallet, asshole. is it so hard to just take the money? isn't that what u want?? y can't u relinquish control over MY freaking IC and wallet and ez link card??? oh, i tried to stop myself but i alr took the wallet and im afraid pple find out?? its not as if u need it ffs!!! and well, i am trying to not punch u but my fist is alr in the air!!! if u r scared they suspect u for taking the wallet when u return it, ITS UR FAULT cuz u rly did take it. no one forced u to take it, so face the damn music. im nt going to go into the whole "how wuld u feel if it happened to u?" thing cuz its so yesterday but all i have to say to u is 2 things, first, i hope u get the retribution u duly deserve and secondly, u shuld feel ashamed of urself for tormenting others.

reflection?

2008-04-29T22:34:00.001+08:00

sry i took so long to make a new post. JC life rly is bz, i end late everyday that when i come home i go play my games instead of blogging cuz i want to destress. i mean srsly, like i have extra classes almost every day.....like wth? as if its nt enuff that everyday i confirm have unfinished work, im still bogged dwn by extra classes. even with the extra classes, im still failing, well maybe its my fault cuz sometimes i fall aslp. haha. and its nt as if stay like 5 mins away frm cjc.....and my parents say i shuld have gone poly or mjc instead? hello? u want me to choose my school according to the distance i travel?? do u happen to know it affects my future?? anyway, i want to talk abt smth else other than bitching abt jc life.....everyone knows it sucks, they don't need me to "verbalise" it. hell, i don't even take photos now. haha. yeah, so back to what i was going to say. way b4, when i just started in cjc, i used to be super crazy over sajc. like way crazy......everytime i see a saint i stop my fren and go "omg! sajc.....". haha, those were the days. then now, i rly don't have this kind of reaction anymore. i mean i still feel sad over nt getting it but those feelings sort of "calmed down" alr. i know some of u r going "bullshit!". haha, its true. like when my econs teacher said she was frm sajc, and my class started looking at me, im pretty sure i would have gone "omg, sajc...." but instead i was like "oh rly?" then i rly tot it was nothing. even now when i see a saint, i don't have that extreme reaction anymore. i only bitch abt the fact that their uniform is damn nice and some of my frens agree to it as well. i rmb when i was lamenting abt how i couldn't got into sajc to like a few pple, i got mixed replies but generally the same. some were like "well, make the best out of it", my sji form teacher went "a lot of pple want to get into cjc but they can't. since u r in there, treasure it" and i was like "but i don't want to be in cjc". god, i sounded like a kid. haha. anyway, i rmb this reaction the best and i think im starting to believe it though im nt a Christian. my fren told me "God sent u there for a reason". and no offence to Christians but i was skeptical as to what God could offer me in cjc......then now i realise. maybe the reason i was sent to cjc was so i could meet nice pple. my class has been extremely nice and i've oso met a couple of other nice pple that r nt frm my class. now i realise maybe the reason i was sent here was so i culd actually meet good pple for once, trust me when i say i have met a few good men since pri sch. but sometimes i rly wonder is it my luck or is it im destined to have an imperfection in every class i am in.....i nvr seem to have a perfect class cuz something is there to spoil it. well, im pretty sure other pple share the same sentiments but i shall nt jump to conclusions. anyway, 2mrw is the "last day" of sch for the wk cuz thurs is public hol and fri is sports carnival which literally means no lessons. WOOT!! gl 1t11, jia you for chem/hist and gp cuz its the earliest papers we have, like b4 the june hols. *sobz* hope u guys enjoyed ur B&J's free cone day. hahaha.

very stressful JC life......

2008-04-01T22:55:00.000+08:00

term 2 is so packed. we have like remedial lessons every other day. stupid school. they tell us "oh, u have early days on mondays and fridays." bullshit. have they checked our timetables? obviously not. then as if they regret giving us early days on mondays and fridays, they pack the lessons for tuesdays to thursdays and hence, we end at 4 pm. plus our remedials, we end at 5. sometimes i wish i went to poly instead, but poly no student's fare for transport. HAHA. to top things off, i nvr got a cca, and the deadline is today. kai wei told me to go for the bridge meeting this wednesday. she said don't care just go and see if they can accept me. i did try to get a cca, but interact was packed and i dunno who the teacher-in-charge of bridge club is. neither does mr wei loon. i rly hope i get accepted, it feels damn weird to not have one and my testimonial will suck like shit. anyway, the homework load is getting heavier and heavier. my shoulders ache frm carrying my bag all around. and im totally clueless for some topics in maths, sometimes i think im going to fail maths like the whole year round. haha, but must try still, a'levels get a fail looks ugly on my certificate. just handed in my lit essay today, i rly hope i can get into the cambridge program thingy. its so cool and it will rly help to make us understand Othello more cuz they will talk abt how the play will be acted out, etc etc. OH, AND WE GET TO GO TO THE LONDON GLOBE THEATER AND WATCH KING LEAR!!!!!! ok, i only heard of king lear but nvr read it, but still THE LONDON GLOBE THEATER, OMG!! like how often can u step into that place unless u book some tour package thingy....and even so, it will cost a bomb. its 2 weeks though, i will miss home. miss my friends. miss my computer. yada yada yada. ok, i got to sign off now, its already late and my dad is making noise, as usual. i will post up pics during my next post probably, got one of solomon in a cap but i go no time to post it up. HAHA, he looks super cute cuz he like little boy like that. anyway, to my class 1t11, i know the workload is insane cuz i oso super lazy one, but must jia you ok? and thanks to my "sisters" - sherrie, christabel, bonnie, anne - and my "brother" , yun song, who very kindly cheer me on while im dying during mass pe. hahaha.

first day after the long wkend.....

2008-03-24T23:45:00.000+08:00

just came back frm ptm, srsly, dunno y they forced the students down anyway, its so parent orientated. first they came up with some crap that MSN chatting poses a danger to J1 students just bcuz they cannot figure out y pple can talk for few hrs. that is so illogical and bullshit-y. show me 1 person who cannot talk for few hrs and i will show u 100 others who can. MSN chatting has been ard since time immemorial, so pray tell, if it wasn't "dangerous" in pri sch and sec sch, in what way did it turn "dangerous" in jc? nvm that, parents apparently "have the right to know everything" just bcuz they "give us pocket money". ok, i don't rly disagree with that, but i think the grounds they use is total crap. then apparently, our social life is oso a "danger" to us, wow......now we r not allowed to have a social life bcuz we r encouraged not to "reach home ard 8/9pm"......that is the most retarded and stupidest statement i've ever hear. the whole ptm was i think meant for parents only and i see no reason for us students to be there and listen to crap. btw, surprise, surprise, i PASSED MY GP!!! i tot i wuld fail cuz i nvr even prepared for it. haha, got 30/50, 2nd highest. cheers to me!!! anyway, i promised keith i wuld take photos of the front row pple and imma upload them now. still damn freaking ass pissed at the stupid ptm. note to self keith, stop acting dao......LOL!!! the mahjong photo is a random photo, just wanted to brag abt my tian hu......means i won the moment i open my cards. and the full row pic is a bit blur, sry, my phone super sai. only 2 megapix so got the light reflection in the back. sry keith, mark and marissa. promise take a nicer one next time. the next photo i super pai seh, i so fat then marissa so skinny, we look so weird together. HAHA!!

SAJC!!!

2008-03-23T00:02:00.000+08:00

ok, considering that people around me knows about my obsession to get into SAJC, i figured if i didn't do a post on it, its damn weird. so sry, 1T11, don't screw me, i have to do it. if u find it sensitive, i dunno, don't read or tag abt it....im sure it will make a good topic for discussion. haha. anyway, i just completed the PW wksht that mr wei loon called us to do and its damn brain draining. wtf. ok, on to my real post. i try to make it short for my class pple cuz i know its very sensitive. basically, i rly rly rly rly rly x 1000 want to get into SAJC, cuz its very slack and rly happening. i mean like they even have a student's cafe or something for students to relax and just chill during breaks. CJC doesn't have that *sobz*. call me materialistic, but whatever, these kind of things affect the impression i have of the jc, seriously. anyway, raw score i got was 15 points. after subtracting the bonus points i only got 11. and to my dismay, SAJC's cut off rose to freaking 9 points. but obviously i went to appeal lah, if nt confirm no choice mah, i even wrote a letter to the principal stating my reasons for joining. haiz......but nvr work obviously. so i even went down personally to request an audience with the principal and even missed my binomial theorem bridging so now im basically screwed cuz i know next to nothing abt binomial theorem. anyway, the woman in the G.O turned me down saying there's no vacancy left and i was like "that's total bullshit!" cuz i saw an anglican high girl with her parents walking into the principal's office and i highly doubt she is there for reasons not related to a failed appeal. anyway, i felt damn sad......so i just left feeling damn bad. cheers to andrew who accompanied me down there to give me support. he suggested going over to his place to play cards cuz i was damn sad. ty, it rly helped. u r always there when i need support, though i know u have this irresistible urge to bitch me. don't deny it, u know every word u say is dripping with sarcasm. anyway, that's it for today's post lah. rly nth to talk abt, i have been mentally drained by the stupid wksht i just completed which is a total waste of time seeing as how im pretty sure no one will put effort into it.

my body is made of tofu.....LOL!!

2008-03-20T23:50:00.000+08:00

today i couldn't go to school cuz i injured my body in 2 places. my head and my legs. god, seriously, at this rate, i will break like every bone in my body within the next 2 years cuz cjc's p.e. is hell. like hell x 1000......at least for someone as unfit as me. like i can't even run 2 rounds on the track which is nt even freaking 400m, its like 339m only. *sobz* i feel so demoralized.....kill me. anyway, i injured my leg while jumping over the gate during p.e. on tuesday and it hurts like hell whenever i walk, frm the sole to the ankle. and thanks to my clumsiness, i slipped and fell , resulting in me landing face up and hitting my head. since then, i get pounding headaches. i did get those before i fell, but the fall seems to have aggravated it. it now lasts the whole day. and especially when im in maths or some ridiculously content loaded subject lecture, it gets even worse. to top it off, i even get motion sickness now, making me incompatible with cars or taxis cuz i feel like throwing up. went to see a doctor today but she says it has nth to do with my fall......thank god, i was getting worried. she says my headaches is due to some tension thingy and the motion sickness is cuz my balance has been thrown off due to the fall. dunno what that means, i only got the last part of her sentence. and the pain in my leg is fine, its cuz im too freaking heavy and it caused a large impact on my leg when i landed. anyway, cheers to andrew. ty for coming over to accompany me....haha, had fun playing yugioh though i always lose to ur freaking gay, disgustingly overpowered deck. seriously, go join a competition and win some prizes. stop saying u r an amateur cuz u know u r not. hope u did nt get screwed today for going home late though, sry, haha. i see a lot of pple complaining abt mass p.e and i feel like saying my bit though. MASS P.E. SUCKS TO THE CORE!! p.e. lessons always have been retarded and it serves no purpose except to turn u into those fitness-crazy pple u see walking on the street where their only aim is to turn their 6-packs into 8-packs.....or 8 into 10, whatever, i cannot be bothered. fine, its suppose to make u fit and healthy but its seriously not going to be of any practical use in society. im so sure all bosses out there wants pple who can run at least 2 rounds on a 400m track. and im even more sure being able to complete 2.4km and do pull-ups enables me to so go far in life. and if p.e. lesson rly helps pple get fit, y do i see obese/fat pple out on the street? seriously, being fat/obesity has become integrated into our society just like smoking. u cannot eradicate that "problem" so stop trying. even like 1000 p.e. lessons won't do anything to help......cuz sure, u can make pple lose weight for the time being, but u cannot control them and make sure they won't put on weight in future. its useless, retarded and only makes pple get muscle cramps and be so exhausted, they fall asleep in lectures. yup, i now see the beauty of p.e. lessons, not. i hate p.e, sue me, whatever, i officially cannot be bothered.
anyway, im wearing my SAJC shirt....haha, it feels weird though cuz im nt a student of SAJC. but i got this like very prestigious feeling....like, wah, SA.....then got the big SAINT at the back somemore. hahaha. 1T11, sry hor, cannot drop my obsession with SAJC, don't blame me. haha. anyway, was watching "ellen" today. for those of u who dunno what it is, its a self titled talk show hosted by ellen degeneres. she is witty, humorous and way cool. she totally rocks. and i want to end this with an abstract from her stand up comedy "here and now" just for laughs. "and the local news, man, they want u to watch ever broadcast they've got, don't they? its nt good enuff u r watching the one u r watching, they give u these teasers to get u to watch later on. they r so incredibly cruel." *imitates newscaster's deep voice and gives a serious look* "it could be the most deadly thing in the world and u may be having it for dinner, we'll tell u what it is tonight at 11." *stares at spoon in hand, gives a disgusted look and asks* "is it peas?" *sighs and pushes dinner plate away* LOL

today at school

2008-03-19T17:42:00.000+08:00

ok, with the fun part abt the photos over (hoped everyone liked it), its time to get to more serious stuff. today was a pretty tiring day at school, i slept late yesterday and i basically kept falling asleep in lectures today. we had a MI test today which i thought i rly cmi, but lo and behold, i actually just passed. hahaha......provided mr wei loon decides nt to take away a mark which he actually can cuz i nvr rly simplify properly. but i pray he does not, mr wei loon, if u see this, i know u very nice one. don't penalise me ok?? hahaha. oh, we were given an extension of our econs project, WOOT!!!, but our grp hasn't started yet....omg, must piah like mad during wkends, haha. lucky got good friday, i so love hols. jc life getting more difficult alr, sometimes i dunno y i chose H2 Maths, seriously. ok, im rambling, but i rly dunno what else to say except that i hate the p.e. lessons in CJC, its so tiring and me being unfit cannot run.....*sobz* oh i oso feel quite sad cuz i think my lit teacher is going to change. the current one is a j3 and she has to go to university......*sobz*.......she is rly very nice and a rly good teacher at that as well. i hope that she will nt be changed away but i think that is nt possible. i dunno if its possible but lets throw a farewell party for her ok?? i think she is rly very nice.....cheers for miss ooi......HAHAHA.....u rock as a lit teacher. ok, that's it for today, i hope to make a new post 2mrw abt something more exciting than school life. hahaha. oh, anyone frm 1T11 seeing this can add me to ur links in ur blog, then more pple can come and see. HAHAHA!!!

my very fun classmates

2008-03-19T17:25:00.000+08:00

ever since i started this blog, i've become photo crazy........keep pestering my friends to take photos. HAHAHA.....finally got some of them to agree.....let's go thru them 1 by 1.....first up is my sista bonnie , who obviously rejected my request, and i had to steal a shot of her.....and the guy opposite her is jackson.......say cheese, u r on my blog....my phone is only 2 megapixel which totally sucks. that's y some of the photos r nt very clear. the next photo is of elissa and kai wei........kai wei don't be angry hor, i alr put a nicer looking photo of u as promised. LOL. they didn't want their full face to be shown, beats me y......but some say its quite a cute photo. then the 3rd photo is of christabel david and sherrie. i actually took this photo to make fun of them, hehe, cuz christabel looked funny, but apparently, its a classic photo and wanted by some of the other pple......take a look. the last photo was taken cuz jesmine was too camera shy to have a solo photo, so she dragged elissa and kai wei in. going by the theme of "see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil", let's put our hands together for elissa, jesmine and kai wei. *claps*

SAJC shirt!!!!

2008-03-18T23:38:00.000+08:00

ok, just got to blog abt this.....I FINALLY GOT MY SAJC SHIRT!!! WOOT!!! fine, its not exactly the one i wanted.....the one where "saints nvr hang up their halos" or something. but i don't rly mind......the shirt looks rly nice. i so got to upload it on my blog. HAHAHA.

my life in junior college

2008-03-18T23:28:00.000+08:00

hihi.....this is my new blog, after the one which failed like in secondary school. i will try to keep up with this blog but sometimes im so lazy, i don't feel like doing it....hahaha.......anyway, as mentioned, my aim was to enter SAJC, but cuz i failed to make the cut off point, i was obviously rejected, even through appeal. *sobz* my classmates in CJC have been quite nice and have been trying to comfort me, but to no avail cuz everytime i see a Saint, i go WTF?!?! hahaha......cheers to kai wei a.k.a princess, bonnie a.k.a my sister, jesmine, elissa, isaiah, solomon and jackson......staying back to play bridge rly helped me to get across this mourning period of mine.....especially to kai wei and bonnie, its nt ur fault guys, its just my problem and obsession with getting into SAJC but ty for trying to help me tide over it. Hope this helps u guys rmb the fun times, hehe. anyway, my class is rly fun and i hope we have more memories we can cherish over the next 1 year and 9 mths......